The Biggest Mystery At The Nine-Nine Is WHY IS AMY SEVERAL SECONDS LATE?!

The legendary stoicism of Captain Ray Holt has been established not only via events that have occurred in the present day, but also in flashbacks to his remarkably even-tempered youth. But occasionally something happens to allow human emotion to make a rare appearance on Holt's person, and this week we got a great one.

The cold open establishes a once-in-a-lifetime event: Amy is late for work. AMY. Because it's Amy, she's...one minute late, and for literally the first time ever. But just because she's far less late than nearly any other member of the squad is on a given day (and certainly far less late than Jake is, routinely) doesn't mean that her colleagues don't immediately start feverishly speculating about what has detained her. Sgt. Terry guesses that her alarm didn't go off, even though Jake knows she sets three alarms. "She was taken in her sleep," from Boyle, is more along the lines of what Jake wants to hear. "I bet she tucked herself into bed too tight and got stuck," guesses Diaz, which also seems plausible, except that I suspect Amy would build escape hatches even into the tightest bedding.

When Holt comes out and bellows that it's 9 AM, one might assume he's about to order everyone back to work. But EVEN HOLT knows that Amy's lateness is like Halley's Comet, but rarer, and he can't resist making a guess of his own -- to wit: "I'd say she's in line at the bank." Is it rare for a bank to be open before 9 on a weekday? Yes. Is that precisely the bank that would earn Amy Santiago's business? YES. OBVIOUSLY.

Before long (seventy seconds, by her estimation), the woman in question arrives, flustered and distressed even as she tries to minimize her lateness. Holt, in his sternest voice, demands to know what has caused this hideous display, and she breathlessly chokes out that there was a problem at the bank. And no one alive could predict that THIS is what will happen next, but it does happen, and it is glorious.

Welcome to my permanent reaction gif folder, Captain Holt. I look forward to using you a lot.

And while we're here: the showier of the episode's two main guest stars is, to some, Eva Longoria as a defense attorney/Jake hookup Sophia. Not me, though! This week, we find out that the DA, Carl, is my friend Will Hines, as previously seen being a total creep on Broad City! For posterity, here's his response when Jake asks Carl to back him up that, when spooning, it's better to be the little spoon because it makes you feel safe.