What Tila Tequila Has Joined Together, Let No Man With Huge Gauges And A Neckbeard Tear Asunder

The Client

Nick, soon to be a college student, who lives in Ocala, Florida.

The Beloved

Melissa, no occupation mentioned, of Des Moines, Iowa.

The Clues

Since meeting on a Tila Tequila fan site where users could leave voicemails for the woman herself (this was over six years ago...as, I guess, my mentioning both voicemails and Tila Tequila suggests), Nick and Melissa have only videochatted once, apparently in nearly full darkness, so that Nick couldn't be entirely certain that the person he was speaking with was definitely the one from the photos he'd seen. ("Sounds like you're concerned that she could be physically very different than you hope she is," says Nev, super-proud of himself for nailing it.) Nick's also not that sure Melissa's into him because she has a boyfriend, Olin, and lives with him. ("If she's living with him, it could be serious," says Max, almost as proud as Nev was to be sharing the benefit of his wisdom with Nick.)

The Excuses

Melissa has told Nick that things aren't actually serious between her and Olin, and that she just lives with him because she has nowhere else to go.

The Investigation

Boy, I do not envy the producer who tried to make something out of this boring-ass segment. Nev and Max go to Melissa's apparently real Facebook page. They message a girl named Emily who appears to be Melissa's friend. They find lots of photos of her with a girl named Cale. So far so whatever, right? But then an ominous music sting comes up as Max notes how weird it is that they've gone through all these photos without seeing even one of Melissa with this Olin character. Max then suggests that they go to Cale's Facebook page, whereupon they find this.

Max is all "WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOA" as if they've just unearthed a shot of Cale and Melissa scissoring as opposed to having an extremely chaste kiss at what appears to be an amusement park photo booth or something. Even Nev has to note that it's "not particularly romantic-looking," yet still makes the leap to suggesting that there's mounting evidence that Cale is Melissa's girlfriend. Based on the conclusions wantonly jumped to here, I am going to assume that Nev and Max have never known a pair of girls who are platonic friends, because the theory then becomes that Melissa has concocted this whole Olin story because she can't bear to tell Nick she's dating a girl. Then Max is like, "What's this picture? She looks a little bigger in that picture." For reference, here's a typical Melissa profile shot of the sort Nick is familiar with:

And here's the one Max seems to think is so incriminating:

They agree that it's the same girl, which I think is the whole point of the show, but they also sniff that she looks "much heavier" than she does in the photos on her own Facebook page, and uh oh, here's a full-body shot!

If one of Melissa's "friends" shared this shot, Melissa should unfriend him or her immediately, because yikes, unflattering! Not because of how her body looks or whatever (though the jeans are doing her no favours), but that face! She was not ready for that photo to be taken! Anyway, Nev jumps to "She certainly made a point of hiding photos from Nick." Jesus, Nev, would YOU tag yourself in a photo for your own Facebook page if you looked like that? No. So shut up with the "certainly." Then Emily calls in.

OMG PLEASE LET NEV ASK THIS GIRL IF HER FRIEND IS FAT. #CATFISH

— KB (@KaraRBrown) September 25, 2013

Nev manages to restrain himself, but does get Emily to confirm that Melissa is currently living in Des Moines with "her boyfriend, Olin"; that Melissa's never really told Emily anything to the effect of how in love with Olin she is (though Melissa and Emily haven't talked in a while, and Emily's never met him); that Melissa has told Emily about her friend Nick, in Florida, and that "she really liked him," voluntarily adding

Pressed on her use of the past tense, Emily quickly qualifies her statements, saying that Melissa might still be in love with Nick; she just doesn't know. Nev and Max end their rather short look into Melissa by deciding that their findings on her actual relationship status AND sexual orientation are both inconclusive.

The Presentation Of Findings

Seemingly deliberately fucking with Nick, Nev leads off by saying that Emily told Max and Nev that Melissa loves Nick. Nick's like, phew! Then Max is like, actually, she said Melissa loved you, and Nick's like, hmmm. Then they say Emily told them that Melissa loves Olin, which...did she? Nick says that contradicts what Melissa has told him about Olin, which is that he's an ass; we also get a shot from a chat Nick and Melissa had where (we assume) Melissa says, "I feel so stuck." Then Max floats the possibility that Melissa and Cale are totes gay together. Nick is so taken aback by the innocent kissing shot that he sighs, "I don't want to look at it anymore." I thought dudes loved that shit! THEN they drop the bombshell that is: what Melissa's whole body looked like last week when those photos were taken. Nick diplomatically says that she looks "a lot different" than he thought, and then like a moron Nev presses him: "In what way?" so that Nick is basically forced to say she's fatter. Nick says he didn't think she was "swimsuit-model skinny," but that "she wasn't...big." Okay, I think we get it? "I mean, I don't want to be an asshole," Nick adds, as he should, because if people were to start making comments about how people looked, someone might point out that Nick has a condition I might call "ladyface." Long story short, despite all of Melissa's flagrant fat-hiding, Melissa and Nick have loved each other for six years, and Nick still wants to meet her in person.

SO, Nev and Max call Melissa. New information: when she was fifteen, she was hospitalized for self-harm, and Nick helped her get through it. She describes Olin as her "boyfriend-slash-roommate"; Nev hopefully asks whether that means they broke up, and Melissa admits that they still sleep together and that it's complicated. She would love to date Nick, but because they met online, she's scared of his rejecting her. Nev tells her that Nick has seen full-body photos of her and didn't puke his guts up, so that's good news, right? (I'm paraphrasing.) It is agreed: they shall meet.

The Confrontation

The first thing that happens is that, on the phone, Melissa says she's told Olin what's about to happen and that he said he's "not that comfortable with it," so they should meet her at her friend's house instead. If Olin's not really her boyfriend anymore, I fail to see what say he has in it, but whatever, everyone agrees, and here's Melissa.

Nick and Melissa are visibly thrilled to meet each other and it's very cute. EVEN THOUGH clearly the question is now moot, Max has to be like, so, you were secretly fat this whole time, huh. Nick doesn't care. Shut up, Max. The kiss with Cale was just kidding around; Melissa is "totally straight." As for Olin...Melissa moved in with him in February, and Olin broke up with her two weeks later, but they still act like a couple; even though Olin "talks to other girls," he's still jealous of Nick. She and Olin still have "feeeeelings?" But it sounds like they still sleep together mostly out of habit and/or convenience. Melissa says she wasn't stringing Nick along, despite the existence of Olin, because her stated feelings for Nick were and are real. Nick says that the new information he has about her now hasn't changed anything from his perspective.

When Nev and Max leave, Nick and Melissa rehash some of the stuff we already know, and when Nick asks why she keeps him in her life when she's kind of with Olin, she says it's because she knows Nick won't disappear. If not for Olin, Melissa would be Nick's girlfriend, but she feels "torn between the two."

The Post-Confrontation Confrontation

Afterward, Nick says that Melissa's indecision was "a turnoff," but that he still wants her to be in his life.

So the next day, to try to sort out the situation, Nev and Max go to meet Melissa and Olin and see what their whole deal is. And look, I know I accused Nick of having ladyface (because he does), but this is Olin:

Yes, Melissa has unnecessary piercings of her own, but still: no. As if his dumb hat, beard, and EARRINGS weren't all unappealing on their own, he says the reason he broke up with Melissa is that he freaked out about living with a girl for the first time; now, even though he still wants Melissa under his thumb, he doesn't like the "label" of calling what they're in a relationship, and claims, "I'm technically single." Well, you're technically a piece of shit, but okay. Max asks Melissa, "What's in it for you?" Other than the security of having a place to live when otherwise she'd be homeless? Come on, Max, keep up. Melissa says basically that; while she says she loves Olin, it sounds like what she mostly feels is gratitude. Asked about Nick, Olin says that if Melissa chose to throw him over for Nick, he would give them his blessing, though he loves Melissa and doesn't want to be with anyone else...except the other girls he "talks to," I guess.

THEN Melissa and Nick get one last encounter before Nick goes back to Florida. When Melissa says, in the car on the way there, "I don't feel like leaving Olin right now," it kind of turns out that what she means by that is that she feels like Olin is as much as she deserves -- because when she sees Nick, she runs herself down, noting that Nick is on his way to college in a few weeks, whereas she never finished high school or even got her GED. "Then go get your GED," Nick shrugs. He tells her she should do what makes her happy, and that he'd rather have her in his life as a best friend than not at all. He asks if she's going to miss him, and she kind of snorts, "I missed you last night!" They agree to put a pin in their romance until after he's done with college.

The Aftermath

One month later, Nick is in college in Texas. He and Melissa still talk all the time, but they're "best of friends" at the moment. Melissa still lives with Olin, but she recently had a job interview that she hopes will "pan out good." (Presumably not a job as a copyeditor.) She basically says she expects to outgrow Olin soon. When she has an income, I'd imagine.

The Life Lessons Learned

If your profile is on the up-and-up, throw in a couple of FLATTERING full-body shots so that whenever your intended meets you in person, no gray-haired fuck with a toy camera can imply that you were trying to be intentionally deceitful about your appearance. If your home situation is precarious, try to move in with the friend whose nice house you can meet your online boyfriend in, not the jealous weirdo who fucks around on you anyway. Even if you have gauges, don't date a guy with gauges.