Our Canadian Cousin

How I Met Your Mother doesn't always have occasion to remind its viewers that although Robin (Cobie Smulders) is a gun-toting, suit-loving New Yorker by choice, she is a Canadian by birth -- but now that the show's entire final season is taking place at and around her wedding to Barney (Neil Patrick Harris), we can probably anticipate lots of references to the Canadian relatives who will be in attendance. For instance: Robin's cousin Ruth, from the Yukon, who is such a Canadian stereotype that she "practically rides a moose." Barney: "Does she actually ride a moose?" Robin: "Yeah."

But Ruth's possible moose escort is only the beginning of the couple's Canadian problems, because remember how Barney, much as he wishes he could deny it, is one quarter Canadian? That means he also has weird Canadian cousins who have been invited to the wedding, like crazy Mitch! Weird coincidence, Robin also has a crazy cousin Mitch, and if I might just skip over a long exchange of quirky, not-especially-funny facts about Mitch and his craziness: it seems like they share a cousin Mitch, and therefore must spend most of their drive to the wedding location on Long Island frantically calling everyone they know to determine whether Mitch is a blood relation they have in common. (I'll spare you the suspense: it's the same Mitch, but he's adopted, so he's not blood-related to either the bride or the groom.)

Ha ha and everything (no ha ha, this episode was as stilted and unfunny as a play. Honest to god -- a play!), but Canada is a nation of nearly 35 million people. I realize that number doesn't sound terribly high, particularly when you consider that Barney and Robin live in a city about a quarter that populous. But Canada's land mass is huge, and while most of its residents live pretty close to the U.S. border, they're spread out over a large acreage, with lots of room between them! The odds that Barney and Robin would both know the same Canadian, never mind be distantly related to him, are very remote; it's not fucking Iceland! And poor Harris and Smulders, having to try to sell this dud of a storyline while trapped in the back of a car for a whole episode. The season has barely started and you can already feel how claustrophobic it's going to be.

FORTUNATELY FOR THE SHOW, the second of the night's two episodes tossed in another reference to Robin's Canadian relatives. As Robin begs Barney's brother James (Wayne Brady) not to shatter Barney's belief in marriage by telling him that James and his husband are getting divorced, she offers an enticing reward: "My cousin Vince is a Mountie. His girlfriend is back home, but he gets gay at weddings. He is yours. I am giving you Vince. Just please, don't tell Barney." It's not a great joke, but "Mountie" is still a funny word, and even Canadians can't get mad at a good "fake girlfriend in Canada" joke, even if Vince's might be the only one in history who's actually real. So for the sake of my project here, I can average out the two Canada gags and deliver a combined score for both "The Locket" and "Coming Home," because I am Canadian and fairness is a hallmark Canadian value.