Screens: MTV
Will Catfish Prove That Emily's Been Keeping It 100 With Hundra?
And where will this Machine Gun Kelly character rank in the pantheon of replacement Maxes?
FIRST THINGS FIRST: fucking Max isn't in this episode, leaving us with another bullshit sub. Meet Machine Gun Kelly!
I can't really top this summation of his essence:
MGK kind of looks like the love child of Ava and Boyd Crowder who grew up in foster care. #Catfish
— Kim Reed (@kimreed) August 20, 2015
MGK is a rapper, apparently, and has starred in both of Nev's brother Ariel's next two unreleased movies, which is less of a feather in his cap than Beyond The Lights, a movie that actually played in theaters (even in Canada, where I saw it), and which they don't mention at all, but whatever. (It's a really great movie -- not especially due to his part, though like everyone in it, he's good; you can stream it on Netflix now, and you should!)
Hundra, who lives in the Philadelphia area.
Emily, who lives in Brooklyn, and who Hundra found on Facebook, apparently at random, when Hundra had just had her heart broken by a male ex: "I was feeling gay for a day, so I was like, let me just be gay for a day and see what happens."
Though Philadelphia and Brooklyn aren't that far apart and Hundra apparently has access to a car, they've never met. Hundra has sent Emily money to help cover some repairs to Emily's car, which (a) Emily asked her to send through Western Union, and (b) went to a different name, which Emily claimed was her cousin.
In the nine months they've been talking, Emily has texted her from five different numbers; the latest is from 267, a local area code. Emily's only sent Hundra three photos of herself.
When Hundra drove to Brooklyn to surprise Emily (the only time, from what it sounds like), Emily told her, when Hundra texted that she was there, that she had gone out of town on a family vacation. No explanation for any of Emily's other sketchiness has been offered.
Other than the clues mentioned above, Hundra has told both Kells and Nev -- and, previously, Emily -- that going on national TV to talk about the girl she likes is risky, because her family isn't cool with homosexuality. (She chalks this up to their being Haitian, but I'd rather not make that generalization and she probably shouldn't either.) Nevertheless, she wants to come out: "I still want to do it for myself and other Haitian kids around." Also, when she had her initial Skype call with Kells and Nev, they talked about how attracted she was to Emily's cuteness.
"So that's part of the package to you: like, she has to be who she looks like."
Got it? Let's proceed. All they have to go on is the five (5!) phone numbers Emily's used to text Hundra, and the three photos she's sent; Hundra no longer has the name of the cousin Emily'd had her wire money to, nor the address. They start by searching the latest number, and find it registered to a Geralyn [Redacted], of Philadelphia. They search her name and immediately find her Facebook profile. Is Geralyn Emily?
Apparently not. However! When they start going through Geralyn's photos, and see she's "in a relationship," they find someone who looks kind of familiar.
The photo is from "seven or eight months ago," and when they mouse over it, Geralyn's makeout partner is tagged as a Melanie [Something]. And when they click on her tag and start looking at HER photos, sure enough, Melanie is "Emily." They even find one of the three photos "Emily" had sent Hundra.
All signs, Nev and Kells decide, point to Geralyn and Melanie being a couple, and to Geralyn being the one Hundra's been talking to. Is Melanie in on it, and are Geralyn and Melanie "running a scam...on multiple people," muses Kells? End of investigation. (Is it me or does it seem like the cases have been way more open-and-shut since the show came back from break? They clicked like four links.)
Hundra's never heard Geralyn's name, nor is her photo familiar to Hundra. She hasn't come across Melanie's name before either. Hundra is stunned by the evidence that "her" girlfriend has a girlfriend, and takes off to the bathroom, apparently to cry. When she comes back down, Nev asks what she thinks of the possibility that she might have been talking to Geralyn this whole time. "I don't want that," snaps Hundra. "I'm not attracted to girls that dress like men." Kells judges Hundra:
And so do I, because Geralyn -- if possibly a liar -- is totally cute, and I'm considering taking her photo as an inspiration for my next haircut.
Regardless, Hundra still wants to find out who "Emily" is, so they're going to start by trying to meet Melanie -- and why not, she's the one Hundra thinks is hot! Melanie gets back to them right away and agrees to meet the next day.
Hundra is giddily nervous seeing Melanie in the flesh. Nev recaps the episode to date, and Melanie confirms that Geralyn is her ex-girlfriend, and that they broke up because Melanie was still in love with her previous girlfriend, whom she's back with now. She says that Geralyn understood, until Nev asks if it was a "nasty" breakup, and then Melanie corrects herself that maybe Geralyn did take it kind of poorly. HMMMMM. (Obviously I know how this ends NOW, so I can admit this isn't something I even noticed when I watched it through the first time.) Melanie feels like "she played with [Hundra's] heart." Hundra says she's "a little bit mute right now."
Melanie says that Geralyn would pick up if Melanie were to call her, so she does. Geralyn picks up right away, and Melanie tells her she's "with Catfish, and that Hundra's also there." Geralyn chuckles. "This is funny?" snits Melanie. Geralyn says it's not, but that she doesn't want to talk about it on the phone. Melanie takes over Nev's job, asking if she's willing to meet Hundra, and Geralyn says she is. Kells, the gossipy bitch, asks what all this means for Melanie's friendship with Geralyn, to which Melanie replies, "I don't even know." Nev keep things on track by saying they should work that out between themselves (okay, DAD), and says they'll check in with Melanie after they've talked to Geralyn.
"It's definitely Geralyn, but why would she make a profile of her ex?" Everyone in the car decides she did it to "create drama" with Melanie's current girlfriend, though since it's not like the fake profile also used Melanie's real name, "Jacqueline"-style, I'm not sure how it would?
Before we see who comes out of Geralyn's house, let's all take a moment to note that the apparently quite tall Kells is wearing a tank top so long that it almost reaches his knees.
I think officially this might actually be a tank dress. Anyway: Nev knocks on Geralyn's door, and Geralyn comes out.
Not so suspenseful. When she gets face to face with Geralyn, Hundra is smiling...
...but sometimes the marks are when this happens just because they're so nervous, so at this point in the episode when I watched it the first time, I didn't really think anything of it. Anyway: Hundra and Geralyn agree that Geralyn is not Emily. Geralyn doesn't seem particularly contrite, and gets even less so when she launches into her explanation by saying, "At first, it was just a game to me." Hundra's like, yeah, but, I reached out to you. "I was just trying to get my ex mad." I still don't get how? But Geralyn and Melanie were pretty serious at one time -- Geralyn says they were engaged -- which kind of contradicts Melanie's account that Geralyn was a rebound when her ex/current was in the Army or whatever. Also: this.
Geralyn claims Melanie has one of her name, too.
Nev notes that "Emily" was the first woman Hundra's ever pursued romantically, and Geralyn says she knows. "But I thought that was kind of a turn-on, though," says Hundra, "for gay girls to try to convert a straight girl....Wouldn't that be something you would've wanted under your belt? 'I converted not just a regular black girl but a Haitian girl into becoming gay'? That would've been something you would've wanted on your belt." Uhhhhhh, what? You can see everyone other than Hundra tense up at this 1950s-era scare-tactic characterization of predatory gay recruitment -- yes, even Machine Gun Kelly.
"You're making an assumption," Nev starts, to which both Geralyn and Kells, in unison, chime in, "Yeaaaaaaaah." Hundra tries to explain -- "If I was her, like..." -- but Nev doesn't really let her get any further than that. Hundra then starts digging herself a different hole, saying that she used to tell "Emily" that she loved her (which "Emily" would reciprocate), "and then I meet [gesturing at Geralyn] this." "'This,'" Geralyn repeats, laughing incredulously. "I'm not Emily, I'm not a femme -- I'm me." Nev tries to get Geralyn to say that she feels for Hundra the way "Emily" claimed to, and I have to say, even if she had at one time, Hundra's rudeness here would have probably killed it? Geralyn says she was "just being spiteful," but then she started to like Hundra. (The usual back-and-forth then briefly gives way to the matter of the money Hundra sent, which Geralyn says she never picked up.)
We know we're wrapping up when Kells volunteers that Geralyn's feelings do seem sincere, and sure enough, Nev then says they should all take some time to let their "feelings marinate" and then reconvene the next day. Seems suspiciously early in the episode for that to be happening, though, huh?!
But wait, there's more! On her way to the car, Hundra starts muttering about having gone looking for a "lipstick lesbian" and ending up with "a fucking butch." Kells comments that she's being pretty harsh. "I really don't want that," drawls Hundra. "That's a really ignorant way of looking at it," says Kells, who is maybe more like Max than I originally gave him credit for?
The next day, Geralyn gets in touch with Nev and says she wants to talk to him (and Kells, if she must) alone, without Hundra, so they head over to her place. What ever could she have to tell them?!
Geralyn and Hundra haven't been talking for nine months; it's been more like four weeks.
Melanie knew Hundra, and she also knows this whole thing is fake -- except the part where Geralyn and Melanie are ex-girlfriends; that part is true. Nev conjectures that, four weeks ago, Hundra got in touch with Melanie and said she wanted to get on Catfish to get her to help participate in creating some backstory, but Geralyn doesn't even know what the order of operations was before she got involved. "Why would you risk your reputation to help some girl you don't know?" Nev asks. "My reputation? It's fucking Catfish, not 60 Minutes," Geralyn does not reply. "If Melanie wanted to help her, I love her, so I wanted to help" is what Geralyn actually says. "Is Hundra even lesbian?" demands Kells, adding "Does she even like girls?" in case this butch girl isn't conversant with the terminology. Geralyn doesn't know what Hundra's deal is, but apparently when Hundra started in with all her nonsense about Geralyn wanting to "convert" Hundra, Geralyn decided she wasn't that into helping her anymore.
Nev still doesn't get it -- "Why are we here?" -- but he seems more amused by how convoluted this is than anything else. Machine Gun Kelly? Is PISSED.
Uh, you would have had Couch Time today regardless, besides which Geralyn is not responsible for your faulty time management skills. Why did you say you'd do the show over Father's Day, shirtdress? Anyway, he gets past that quickly to determine that Hundra doesn't know they're having this conversation and that, as far as she knows, the lie lives. Geralyn says that is the case. MGK: "Piece of shit." UH OH. "Let's go get Hundra -- I'm about to go get crazy on this little woman!" Good luck having this energy come find you later, MGK's Daughter! While he's outside angrily pacing and complaining to someone on the phone that this "was all a plot to get someone on TV," Nev is inside following a producer's suggestion and texting Hundra and Melanie to come over, without telling them why, and then goes out to the car, where MGK is sitting in the passenger seat stewing, and hilariously (and accurately) saying that being on Catfish hasn't even netted Hundra fifteen minutes of fame, but just fifteen seconds. Hee! IF THAT. Nev goes on to speculate that Melanie was involved in some "stupid shit" that Geralyn is covering up out of love for her.
Some time later, Melanie and Hundra arrive within half a minute of each other. Geralyn comes out to join everyone on the lawn, where Melanie launches into her impression of a wronged person who's had her photos stolen. Geralyn:
Melanie yells at her to answer, so Geralyn tells her, "It's over....This whole thing is over." Melanie asks, "What do you mean?," but it's clear from the change in her demeanour that she knows. "She spilled the beans," drawls Kells. "Y'all are playin' us." He challenges Hundra to confirm that she knew Melanie and Geralyn before Nev found them, and after a moment, Hundra defends, "But it was still something that needed to be done, like, as far as me coming out." "Why does the world need to know that you're gay?" asks Nev dubiously. She launches into a whole story about her "culture" and its opposition to homosexuality and how that means the world should know her story. "What's the world going to take away from this?" he asks. "Right now, you're setting a really bad example for people." "How?" asks Hundra, the apparent sociopath. Nev and Kells are both like, uh, you lied? Also: "And you also speak on gays like they have a disease," adds Kells. "'Butch,' and like, 'gay for a day,'" Nev reminds her. (I think "butch" is an okay word that Geralyn might use about herself, but yeah, "gay for a day" is problematic.) "I feel like I can call them certain names because I've been in their world for a while," Hundra snaps. Geralyn:
"On paper, I think your crusade to, like, liberate Haitian women across the nation is, like, beautiful?" Nev uptalks. "And, like, there are very real ways that one could do that? And this is the worst way to do it. This is incredibly selfish." "You don't look like a hero," says Kells, putting his affectation toothpick back in his mouth as if to remind us all that no one knows how to make things look good better than he does. "Okay, well, this is done," says Hundra, turning on her heel and heading back to her car. This should be the end of the scene, but Kells and his topknot have to make a spectacle of himself for the cameras by following her to her car, calling her "corny" through the window, and then continuing to yell after her when, like, her car is not even on the block anymore. While all that's happening, Nev starts yelling at Melanie and Geralyn for their part in this, but it's evidently not very satisfying to him because they're both pretty regretful. (Melanie is horrified to find out Hundra was talking about Geralyn converting her.) Geralyn and Melanie just keep apologizing, which pretty much deflates all Nev's rage, and he wanders off impotently with Kells.
Nev is back in his hotel room when Hundra texts to say she's outside and wants to speak with him alone. Things don't start off on a great note, since Hundra's opener is "Well, me personally, I'm not going to apologize for anything. I'm really not. Because regardless [of] how you felt about how I did it? I wanted my coming out to be something rememorable for me." REMEMORABLE. I mean, it is that. Instead of taking the "you wasted our time" tack, Nev says he doesn't think this is going to get her very far with the homophobic family and friends she's trying to win over, because they'll be more focused on how she showed her ass on TV. "Not necessarily," says Hundra. "Maybe I do have a different mindset of everybody else, but everybody's different." ...'Kay. Nev encourages her to talk to her family before the episode airs, but then again, he doesn't really care, so...bye.
Melanie and Hundra hugged at their very first meeting before going over to Geralyn's. But there are no hugs on Geralyn's lawn, and when Nev and Hundra part outside the hotel, they merely shake hands.
Two months later, Nev is VERY excited to reconnect with Machine Gun Kelly for the update! No, like REALLY excited.
Geralyn and Melanie learned their lesson about lying to people, they say. Hundra has "vanished" since the show taping. Kells comments that it never seemed like there was anything in this scheme for Melanie and Geralyn, to which Geralyn says she didn't think it was going to be like that, and Melanie says Hundra told her she needed help, and then all of a sudden the show was en route and it was too late for them to back out. I feel like they still could have -- it must happen all the time -- but anyway. Melanie and Geralyn are just friends. And they're still sorry.
Hundra has been out on dates with girls. She's not happy about how she went about her coming out, because she doesn't want to look like a liar to her friends and family. Kells can't help adding that she wasted their time, with which Hundra immediately disagrees, on the basis that "everybody still got something out of it": "You're still a rapper that's 'bout to be on a television show because of whatever I came up with." Ha! Kells does not care for that response one bit. "If you want an apology for wasting your time, I don't feel bad because I feel as though I'm a person that got you to my attention." HA! Nev, for some reason, tries one last time to make Hundra understand how bad she made herself and her "community" look. She does not: "There's nothing that I can take back." Finally, Kells and Nev are both like, BYE, about two minutes two late. After she hangs up, Nev chuckles, "She hasn't changed much." Kells: "No comment." THE END.
All Haitians are homophobic, apparently? Machine Gun Kelly has very strange priorities. The kind of person who'd make up a story to get on Catfish is not the kind of person who has the capacity ever to get why that's a bad idea. And this one, in particular, is a crazy person, which I now know thanks to the sleuthing of loyal reader Patrick Fisackerly.
