Who Should Play Jared Fogle On Law & Order: Special Victims Unit?

Welllllll...that was your story, Jared Fogle. Now this is your story. And, it seems reasonable to assume, at some point in the coming seventeenth season of Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, after we hear "These are their stories," we're going to see a barely fictionalized version of that new story.

This headline getting ripped on SVU feels about as inevitable as anything can in today's complex TV landscape. Really, the only question that remains is: who should play the faked-up version of the infamous man himself? Don't worry: we've got some delicious, low-fat options. (Insert "foot-long" joke here, if you must.)

Jimmy Fallon

Best Known For: Hosting late-night shows on NBC; breaking in sketches on Saturday Night Live.

Previous L&O experience? Other than interviewing probably everyone in the SVU opening-credits cast: none.

Best Reason To Cast Him: SVU loves casting an actor with a lovable public persona to play a total creep: poor Dan Lauria went from being Kevin Arnold's dad to a pedophile in "Personal Fouls."

Michael Sheen

Best Known For: Co-headlining Masters Of Sex.

Previous L&O experience? He's one degree of separation away via his Sex co-star Annaleigh Ashford (who did both SVU and Famous Original), but otherwise none.

Best Reason To Cast Him: Who doesn't want to see a classically trained Welsh actor trying to pretend he likes suspiciously inexpensive subs?

David Krumholtz

Best Known For: Numb3rs.

Previous L&O experience? Played a homicidal activist on SVU and a sexual abuse victim (as a kid) on Mothership.

Best Reason To Cast Him: So we can watch him in something this year other than this.

Kevin Sussman

Best Known For: His recurring role on The Big Bang Theory, though I wish it were Wet Hot American Summer.

Previous L&O experience? Criminal Intent.

Best Reason To Cast Him: He will have no problem nailing the real Fogle's off-putting social awkwardness.

Scoot McNairy

Best Known For: Argo; Halt & Catch Fire.

Previous L&O experience? None. Which is shocking.

Best Reason To Cast Him: He can just borrow a pair of molester glasses from the Halt accessories closet.

Kristen Schaal

Best Known For: Bob's Burgers; The Last Man On Earth.

Previous L&O experience? A Criminal Intent and an SVU.

Best Reason To Cast Her: The only thing SVU loves more than casting against type is shocking us with a reminder that women can be perverts too. And she seems like she would tear into a distaff Faux-gle role like Jared into a six-inch tuna.