Screen: VH1

Couples Therapy

Ask A Pornographer Trying To Enforce The Social Contract

Couples Therapy patient Joe Francis has some very rigid ideas about what constitutes appropriate behavior.

Tara Ariano
 
Q Dear Pornographer Trying To Enforce The Social Contract,

My thirteen-year-old daughter Vanessa has just completed a babysitting course at our local community center and has proudly embarked upon a career as a part-time nanny! So far, her only client is my younger sister, Joan, who has three children under the age of seven, the youngest of whom is in the middle of potty-training, which Vanessa has to reinforce when she looks after them. The other night when Vanessa came home from sitting at Joan's for five hours, I asked Vanessa what Joan had paid her, and she told me Joan had paid her $20. We had told her not to demand any particular sum, and since this is the first money Vanessa's earned on her own, she was happy to have it -- but I feel that Joan is taking advantage of Vanessa's youth and inexperience and not paying her anything close to the current market rate. Should I talk to Joan about this?

- Ellen

A Dear Ellen, How much money does Joan make? What about her husband? I'm just asking. Maybe you don't know. It's enough for them to go out for five hours and live it up while Vanessa is stuck at Joan's house dealing with the sideshow of potty-training her children, and she doesn't even have the respect to compensate Vanessa properly for her time and effort -- why? Because you're family? It's so disrespectful. I can't even believe I'm dealing with a question about this. I'm not going to lower myself to Joan's level by engaging in a discussion of how she pays her help. She's trash. Is she white? If so, she's white trash.
Q Dear Pornographer Trying To Enforce The Social Contract,

I've been with my boyfriend Jeff for over a year and we've been very happy together; I even think we could spend the rest of our lives together -- or, at least, I thought that until recent events made me wonder. I have always been pretty fit in the time he's known me, but earlier this year I was in a terrible car accident and broke both my legs; it's been a long recovery, and since I haven't been able to do my old workout and have put on some weight. I'm obviously aware of it and self-conscious about it, and it's not my intention to stay at this weight forever, but Jeff is constantly cracking jokes about my weight that I don't think are that funny, and that I think are passive-aggressively masking his feelings about my body in its current state. How can I get him to be more understanding -- or should I assume that he's shown his true colors and end the relationship?

- Sheryl

A Dear Sheryl, I am in a relationship with someone who has an eating disorder, so this is an area where I have a lot of experience. Of course, her problem is that she doesn't eat enough and I'm always ordering her to finish her meal as though I were her father and she were a balky child, so I would not be the right partner for you, haha! Sometimes Abbey perceives my innocent, loving jokes about her eating habits as pressure or judgments or a baseline lack of understanding of her illness, but ultimately she allows me to control her because I'm a bit older than she is and she knows that I really do know best. It sounds to me like the same thing might be happening with you and Jeff: he's trying to motivate you to lose all the unsightly weight you've gained by making sure you know that if you don't, he won't want to sleep with you anymore. Take it in and accept his help -- and just be grateful that he does want to sleep with you (or did, before you were fat) and that you don't have a gay boyfriend.
Q Dear Pornographer Trying To Enforce The Social Contract,

I recently got into a dispute with a neighbor and I've been feeling very regretful about it. I'm a single father with full-time custody of my kids, and because of my long work hours and my child-care arrangement (they go to my parents' house for several hours after school), I usually don't get home with them until close to 9 PM, at which point I'm just trying to get them inside, cleaned up, and in bed at a reasonable hour. On garbage days, I try to remember to get back outside after they're in bed to bring in our bins, but I'm not always on top of it. My neighbor Beth has brought them in for me a few times, and I've always thanked her for her consideration when I see her, but last week she brought them in and left a surprisingly bitter note for me to find when I got home. I'm sorry to say that I wasn't my best self, and instead of thinking about it, I marched over to her house and gave her what-for. Of course I immediately wished I could take it back: despite the tone of her note, she is right that I'm responsible for my bins and for my part in keeping our block looking tidy. How would you suggest that I make it up to her?

- Steve

A Dear Steve, So let me get this straight. Just because you're dealing with stuff, you think that means it's okay for you to just leave clutter all over the street for your neighbors to have to look at? You have kids? You know what? Lots of people have kids, and they manage to have a little discipline over their garbage bins. What gives you the right to turn the block into your own personal back alley? You are a disrespectful, low-class piece of trash, and absolute piece of trash, and I didn't come here to have to listen to justifications from my intellectual inferiors. How are you going to make it up to your neighbor? I don't know: move? Just keep me out of your white trash sideshow. I won't lower myself to participate any further. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to skitter away to my room and slam the door before you punch me out.
Tara Ariano