Collecting Dollangangers

Lifetime is making a Flowers In The Attic movie -- awesome! They just announced the kids who are going to be playing the incestuous teen brother and sister -- cool! Christopher's going to be played by this guy -- uh, okay? And Cathy's going to be Sally Draper -- huh.

Kiernan Shipka is obviously a good actor, and admittedly, playing Sally has kept her so busy that she hasn't had a lot of opportunity to appear in other projects that might let us see her range as a performer. But this still feels weird. I'm not even crazy about seeing Shipka kiss boys on Mad Men -- she is a child -- and Cathy goes, uh, a lot further than that. Seriously, Shipka is only thirteen, and looks it; sure, Cathy is twelve when the events of the book starts, but surely producers could have fudged the timeline for the purposes of filmmaking? Aged down an older actor so that when siblings start getting hot pants, we don't feel like we're watching child pornography?

Shipka's real-life age aside, I had totally other ideas as to who should play Cathy, and here they are, in case anyone on the production changes his or her mind.

Skyler Day

Pros: Parenthood prepared her to play a girl in a relationship everyone knows is sadly, sadly doomed; is blonde.

Cons: Parenthood prepared her for good writing.

AnnaSophia Robb

Pros: Soul Surfer prepared her to play someone who'll plunge headlong into danger and deal with the consequences; is blonde.

Cons: Isn't her life already hard enough playing a character who's going to grow up to be the Carrie Bradshaw of Sex & The City?

Elle Fanning

Pros: Nailed sweetness and innocence in Super 8; is blonde.

Cons: She might be too busy angling for her first Oscar nomination to mess around with Lifetime.

Cassi Thomson

Pros: Has already played a really sheltered girl bucking against the restrictions of her situation on Big Love; is blonde.

Cons: I don't know how old this Mason Dye kid is, but she looks a lot older than he does.

Hailee Steinfeld

Pros: True Grit prepared her to ride...you know, whatever.

Cons: Already has an Oscar nomination but still may not want to be associated with an incest movie after coming off a homophobic movie; is not blonde.

Georgie Henley

Pros: Her eyes are just about gigantic enough to make the casting of Heather Graham as her mother pretty believable.

Cons: Is neither blonde nor American nor may audiences be prepared to see her in a role that takes place in the real world...ish.

Chloë Grace Moretz

Pros: Dark Shadows prepared her to play a girl who has really creepy reasons to stay indoors all the time; is blonde.

Cons: I know I said Cathy has to sell "horny," but sometimes she takes that look a bit too far for a sixteen-year-old.