Dr. Jenn Fixed Juan Pablo And Nikki Forever!

Jenna Visits Her Mother's Grave

As promised at the end of the last episode, Jenna is going to take a fun day trip to visit her mother's grave, which is in "Vegas, baby," as Jenna tearfully/inappropriately puts it to John. She's freaking out the whole way there, telling Dr. Jenn in the cab that she's "scared," which just makes me assume she's never been to any grave before and doesn't know that it's not like in a horror movie? I mean, I'm sure it's very emotional...although I also think she's maybe overacting how sensitive she is, juuuuuuust a little bit.

When they get to the marker, Jenna says she never knew her mother's birthday before? Which is weird? I also wonder if she thought through televising her mother's death date, because if Jenna isn't lying about her age, then when her mother died, Jenna would have been under two years old. That's not to say she can't grieve her mother and the time they never got to spend together, but that maybe the effects of growing up motherless are not the same as having traumatic memories of her actual dying. Anyway, Jenna blubbers for a while at the grave and all the tragedies she's sure she avoided because her mother was always with her (apart from those times she got raped, I guess), and as the three trudge back to the cab, Jenna's butt pads or implants in her white cutoffs really make her look like she's wearing a diaper with a full load.

Juan Pablo And Nikki Shmoop Around

After the breakthroughs they've recently made, Juan Pablo and Nikki are baby-talking to each other in bed. He's hopeful about the future; she's not sure how much longer they would have made it if they hadn't come to do the show. Well then THANK GOD THEY DID, RIGHT EVERYONE?!

Treach & Cicely Have A Houseguest

Cicely found out, on the second-last day of therapy, that there was someone staying at their house while they were away that at least Treach and maybe also Cicely wouldn't want to be there, but she didn't tell him as soon as she found out because his dad was there. He doesn't believe that was the first she'd heard of it, but he's furious, and I guess because she was the first to know, he's making her deal with it, and doing so in a very aggressive way -- ordering her to get dressed, sarcastically bitching when she doesn't move as fast as he wants her to, and so on. Cicely says, "Just, like, right out the door with you. First emergency, you're done. Right out the fucking door with you." I 100% don't know what that means. She's missing some key words to convey her meaning -- to me, at least; Treach thinks he knows exactly what she's saying, and says in a TH that Cicely's just said that when they get home, he's kicked out. I mean...I guess you could get that from those words in that order, but it could just as easily be her commentary on how he's reacting -- that he's out the door, assigning clean-up duty to her? The only thing that matters is how Treach takes it, anyway. And he takes it amiss!

Anyway, Cicely gets on the phone and calmly tries to figure out where this person is going to go and whether "their grandmother" (referring to the kids, I assume) can come to the house instead. But as she's in the middle of the conversation, Treach storms back in and starts raging at her -- and when she puts up a hand to be like, I'm on it, he gets furious about the gesture and starts ranting about all the valuable stuff that's unsecured that this mysterious person could steal, like his Grammys or other platinum stuff or whatever, and threatens what will happen if there's one quarter missing from his change jar.

With the issue with this person still unresolved (or suspended, or something), Cicely goes outside to call Dr. Jenn for an intervention, since she's seen this kind of anger from Treach before, and she doesn't want to go home to more of it. Dr. Jenn tells her to bring the phone over to Treach so she can talk to him, and before long they've gotten around to Treach's belief that Cicely has just announced that she intends to turn Treach out when they get home. Cicely is shocked and doesn't know what he's even talking about. MAYBE YOU SHOULD BE MORE PRECISE IN YOUR SPEECH, CICELY. Regardless, Treach seems to have actualized his worst fears, because Cicely is so sick of his anger that she ends the segment vowing that she's ready to dump him for real.

As a fight, it's pretty boring, and it's hard to care about any of it without knowing the backstory of who this mysterious home invader is and why Treach is so horrified at the idea that she'd be there unsupervised.

Tale Of The Tape

After getting all the therapees to a dock where their final field trip is going to be a kick-back boat tour, Dr. Jenn grabs Treach and Cicely and takes them aside. The only reason to watch would be for the bit where Dr. Jenn says that several producers did review the tape and that none of them could find anything that sounded like Cicely said she wanted to kick Treach out when they got home, mostly because Cicely's syntax was incomprehensible (though Dr. Jenn doesn't say that part). The rest is each of them reiterating their positions in the fight we just finished watching, ending with Cicely calmly telling Dr. Jenn "It's not there for us" and that she wants to break up. Treach, sarcastically: "Whatever the Queen wants."

Dr. Jenn says she can see that the two of them are still "triggered," so they shouldn't make any big life decisions right now. Instead, I guess, they should have dinner on a boat with a bunch of other jerks and try not to make everyone feel uncomfortable about how much they both hate each other? Cool.

Boat Party Dot Biz

While Treach and Cicely are having their sit-down with Dr. Jenn, everyone else is getting on the boat, with Dick uttering that famous and apropos line from Titanic, "I'm on top of the world!" Ooooh, almost. Treach and Cicely finally bring up the rear, ropily, while everyone else tries not to let the two of them bring down the rest of the group. While Cicely tells her side of events to Jenna and John, Treach finds his way to the port or starboard or whatever to tell Juan Pablo that Cicely's lack of apology makes him not want to apologize either. "Ay, bro. Life. Women." - The Wisdom Of Juan Pablo.

Then it's dark and everyone's at the table, with Dr. Jenn urging them to go around (or across, because they're all sitting on one side of it, TV-style) and for the members of each couple to take turns toasting one another.

Chris & Deena: He's going to miss everyone, but he's happy to go home and put into practice all the lessons they've learned. Deena calls Chris "literally" the best thing that's ever happened to her. "I never thought I would like anybody from the [sic] Jersey Shore," says THE GUY FROM Big Brother. "But I feel like everybody here is pulling for them."

Stephanie & Dick: Stephanie's toast is extremely political in that it seems warm but also makes it pretty clear that the most she and Dick are ever going to be is friends. Dick pretends to be okay with that.

Cicely & Treach: WELL, THIS IS AWKWARD. Cicely is crying before she even starts to speak, but manages to say that she came to the show to save their family, but that they're never going to be able to do that until he realizes that she's there to support him, not to hurt him. Treach says he doesn't know how to show her how much he loves her...but I guess it's a moot point, since he ends by saying he'll always be there for her, "just a phone call away." So much for not making any rash decisions, I guess!

Juan Pablo & Nikki: Well, this is awkward in retrospect, but anyway, Juan Pablo says he knows Nikki thinks he doesn't listen or pay attention to her, but that he does, and that he got her something: "Hope you like it!"

The other women at the table seem to be ooh-ing and ahh-ing at it more than she is, maybe because she's so shocked. Or MAYBE because she knows what he's about to say, which is that it isn't an engagement ring -- and just so there's no question about it, he puts it on the middle finger of her left hand. Yeah, fuck you too, buddy. But does he love her? Specifically no! She gets both a "Te quiero mucho" AND a "Te adoro," though. So that's...the same as what he's been saying all along. Oh well, free ring, I guess. And Nikki seems happy. For now. "I'm really excited to see what the future holds for us," she says. Ooh, I know what! Nothing!

(As for the ring: eh. That is a REALLY yellow gold.)

Jenna & John: Jenna is happy that John gets her, and while she knows she has to do more work on herself, she's happy John is willing to stick around while she does it. And then John calls for the producers to roll the VT he totally made of himself climbing on some rocks and talking about how much these past few weeks have meant to him, and that he wanted her to know all this because he has something very important to ask her...and then in-the-flesh John has her stand so that he can kneel down and propose.

After an "Are you serious?!," Jenna accepts. (Her ring is a little tacky but certainly nicer than Nikki's. It'll probably look better out of the ring box with the little spotlight built in.)

Bye Bye Bye

It's the last morning at the house, but Dr. Jenn is pretty sure she can give Treach and Cicely the tune-up they need, even though Cicely tells her, "I think we both have checked out." Dr. Jenn starts by saying that by now SHE has had a chance to review the tape, and her interpretation of what Cicely says is that at the first sign of trouble, Treach is out the door, so I guess my alternative reading was right, you're welcome.

Dr. Jenn then pulls out the most effective weapon in her arsenal -- swearing -- to remind the couple that they want "the same fucking things": not to break up their family or traumatize their kids or other ways of phrasing the same thing. Under direct questioning, Treach says he doesn't want to break up. Neither does Cicely! Well, that was easy. "Dr. Jenn and this whole process saved our relationship," says Treach. As far as I can tell, they're still together, but I guess you win this round, Berman.

And then everyone's hugging and leaving. Goodbye, tacky house! Goodbye, shitty take-out meals! Goodbye, accursed basement bedroom! GOODBYE!

Verdict

I guess you can't REALLY come this far and not watch the finale, but the show seems to think Cicely and Treach are the couple to end on, and the show is wrong. This season didn't have a Courtney and Doug or a Joe and Abbey or even a Farrah, but Juan Pablo and Nikki were the as good/bad as we got and should have been our last stop. On the whole, though? This season stank. Find some more garbagey garbage next time, VH1, damn!