Jenna Jameson Isn't Serious Enough About Couples Therapy To Have Made It There For The First Day

Now, Where Were We?

Just some throat-clearing. Treach is still pissy about his fight with Cicely about her attempts to become his personal assistant, and mutters to himself about it like all functional adults do.

First Process Session

Hey, let's talk about what brought all of us here, starting with Cicely and Treach! As we probably surmised already based on the fact that they couldn't stop fighting about it long enough to make their intro video, Cicely doesn't trust Treach because, according to her, he cheats on her. Treach gets immediately defensive about this, as all innocent people do, on the grounds that she has no evidence for her claims. "So you've always been committed and monogamous and that's never been an issue in the relationship," Dr. Jenn witness-leads. Treach falls back on his "we were on a break" argument; Cicely's not sure she believes that, partly because third parties have approached her to tell her they think she should know what Treach does when he's on the road in terms of fucking other girls. Treach needs to learn to "be tender with her heart," says Dr. Jenn.

Nikki's issue (or one of them, anyway) is that, like most people who decide to try to find love on reality shows, she is a very private person, and it bugs her when she and Juan Pablo get recognized when they're out at dinner or whatever, although they don't live in the same city, so how much can this possibly occur? Dr. Jenn observes that The Bachelor was like an intense honeymoon for the two of them and now they're trying to figure out what "real life" will be like for them. The best moment of their chunk is when Nikki describes feeling protective of Juan Pablo because of all the shit he took over not proposing or telling her he loved her, and the camera cuts to Juan Pablo's face so he can nod his agreement that, yes, she should stick up for him over that stuff. I sincerely don't know what Nikki gets out of this if she's already annoyed by fame? She just looks sour and disappointed ALL the TIME.

Deena cries as she describes suffering from an anxiety disorder (for which she now takes medication), and feelings of guilt about depending on Chris to support her; Chris, for his part, feels like he can't always share everything about his own worries because he doesn't want to add to her burden. Aw. (Calling it now: much like Deena's Jersey Shore co-star Jenni and Roger on Marriage Boot Camp: Reality Stars, these two will be fine.)

Dick and Stephanie broke up because they fought all the time. About what? Well, Stephanie cries as she admits that after saying for years that she didn't want kids, in the past couple of weeks (like, since she realized she was coming on the show and needed an issue to talk about?) she's started thinking that maybe she does. Dick is 100% against having more kids -- and also, he's annoyed that he has to give in on everything she wants in their life together because he...moved in order to live with her? The most shocking reveal in this segment is that Stephanie is forty-one.

HOLY SHIT, SHE LOOKS AMAZING. For real, I would have said she was twenty-seven.

Meet Jenna & John!

So, Jenna Jameson is a porn star, as everyone knows, and a pretty self-aggrandizing one. She was with Tito Ortiz for nine years, but broke up over "serious issues" she does not describe in any detail. She met John Wood, an MMA coach, when John's ex took up with Tito. It's like Random Hearts, but with more anal! They've only been together three months, which to me would mean they should just break up rather than go into couples' therapy -- if this weren't televised therapy, of course. Their issues seem to be that she's really bossy or something.

The consensus was that the last pair would be a same-sex couple, so everyone is surprised when Jenna and John come out to introduce themselves. Everyone knows who she is because they live in the world; Juan Pablo THes that he's seen her videos "back in the day" (yesterday), and that "She was great." Shut up, Juan Pablo. Nikki then has to TH that she's jealous of Jenna because Juan Pablo has seen her have sex on camera. Dick then comments to the group (after Jenna and John have moved on for the rest of their house tour, of course) that they can all go online and see Jenna's whole body, "when she was hot," and then "oooh!"s his own joke. At least she was hot EVER, Dick, you dried-up bridge troll.

I think they've put John and Jenna in the room Taylor was in last season, but that may just be because she's as princessy about it as Taylor was. She pouts that she doesn't like the room: it looks like a cell, and as to the paint choice, "Gray gives you nightmares." Please tell us more about gracious living, Jenna, but maybe first do up the other strap of your shorteralls so that we can't see side-panty?

Treach & Cicely's Two-on-One With Dr. Jenn

Fifteenth verse, same as the first: the "foundation" of Cicely's relationship with Treach was "based on lies" -- namely, that he cheats. She knows because the two of them started messing around when he was still with his ex, who was pregnant, which...okay, then, Cicely, you're not quite the innocent victim you pretend to be. Treach counters that if she knew about him and his ex, then what was the lie, which is kind of fair? Cicely then leapfrogs to "the choices" Treach makes in partners, and worrying about what kinds of women their children together will be exposed to "when we break up." Dr. Jenn's like, "'When'?" and Cicely quickly says that they're talking about breaking up, but corrects herself with an "if." But she's obviously already thought about it a lot as she goes on to say that when/if she and Treach split up, she plans to go back to Ohio (they now live in New Jersey). "You made children with this man, and it's hypocritical of you to say, 'I can't believe you pick women who take children away from' him, and then threaten to take children away from him," Dr. Jenn challenges. Cicely tries to defend herself, but Dr. Jenn orders her not to leave the state and cheat her children out of a relationship with their father, like Treach is such a fucking prize. Can someone please tell all TV therapists -- Dr. Drew and Dr. Phil also -- that not all biological parents automatically deserve to be in their kids' lives? Like, if they're scumbags, for instance? Thanks.

Caaaaasual Mingling

Dick, known shit-disturber, observes over lunch that of all the couples in the house, Nikki and Juan Pablo are under the most scrutiny: they're the best known, and the ones that have the most people rooting for them to fail. Jenna, trying to catch up, asks why, and Nikki instantly replies, "Because of him." Jenna guesses that means because women have crushes on him from the show (uh, no), and Juan Pablo smarms, "You know how it goes," while Nikki's like, "Well, no," and tells Jenna about the un-proposal. Juan Pablo repeats the line on this that we all already know -- that he's not going to propose until he really plans to get married -- and tells the story of the final moment on the show when he told Nikki he had a ring in his pocket but that he wasn't going to use it, and that he gave her a rose instead, "and that's why she's here with me right now, at this table." Everyone's like, "Awwwww," except me, because where she is with him is IN TELEVISED COUPLES THERAPY because THINGS ARE NOT GREAT?! Jenna decides to take this opportunity to object to The Bachelor on principle because of the way it pits women against each other, because as someone who's pulled trains on camera for a living, she's a champion to women everywhere? Nikki mealy-mouths that actually, The Bachelor is like real life, because a lot of times you start dating someone and don't know if he's dating other people too; at least on The Bachelor you know. Oh boy, Nikki, you have obviously had a bummer life. "My experience was great," says Juan Pablo, somehow outsmarming himself as he makes a finger gesture at Jenna to indicate "because I fucked a bunch of chicks." This fucking asshole. Awesomely, Jenna then THes that Juan Pablo was exactly what she expected: macho and full of shit. (I'm paraphrasing.)

Jenna & John's Two-on-One With Dr. Jenn

As we all just learned, this relationship was formed in mutual pain, and it wasn't something either of them expected. But as they got to know each other, Jenna came to appreciate the way he busts her balls and calls her on her shit; they both agree that they clash because they're both very strong-willed, but he says he can come to a point where he doesn't feel like arguing anymore, while she is not as good at letting stuff go. Jenna's expectation for their relationship is that he should have her back unconditionally, but Dr. Jenn suggests that if she wanted someone who will call her on her shit, she has to let him do that so that they don't create a dynamic where she's just steamrolling him all the time: Jenna needs to work on giving up some control. She also needs to quit it with the prop glasses.

Madame Cannot Abide The Accommodations

Already dissatisfied by the room she's been assigned, Jenna doesn't warm up to it further when the toilet leaks; she spirals into complaints about the walls again, loud enough for everyone in the living room to hear, and insistently enough for a PA to summon Dr. Jenn to come talk to her. Jenna immediately starts with the airing of grievances, which boil down to her "not being well taken care of." Sitting behind Dr. Jenn on the other side of the room where she can't see him, John is visibly embarrassed by Jenna's petulance, and THes that Jenna can sometimes get...a tone. And then we see it, as Dr. Jenn suggests that maybe Jenna is actually just feeling uncomfortable generally about being in therapy and is seizing on the problems with the room to mask what's really bothering her, and Jenna sarcastically repeats back what Dr. Jenn is saying to her as if it's the stupidest thing she's ever heard. Dr. Jenn decides to let Jenna have this moment of shittiness and deal with what's really bothering her at a later time.

After Dr. Jenn has left, Jenna acts out the script we heard her and John describe in their two-on-one, basically. She leadingly asks whether he thinks she handled things with Dr. Jenn correctly, and, smiling ruefully, he replies, "You can be such a condescending shit sometimes!" This somehow comes as a surprise to her, we hear in her TH: "You're saying that I'm being condescending? Do you even know what that means? Maybe you should go grab a dictionary." Do I need to add that she says all this without irony? I don't, right? Back in the fight, Jenna has sat up in bed and threateningly asks, "Do you think I can be fucked with?" I mean, on a literal level...yeah? But John doesn't take the bait, calmly telling her he's not attacking her. In his TH, he says he's sick of her drama...

...which then continues after the commercial. John apologizes, saying he didn't mean to upset her by calling her condescending. Jenna: "That's like me saying...something really mean about you." Good one! Jenna then changes her mind: "Actually, condescending is a derivative of being intelligent, so call it all you want." That's just a perfect proof of your point, Jenna! So eloquent! Jenna claims she's never rude to John like that, which he disputes before saying he's apologized over and over again and he's sick of talking about it. I feel like Jenna should want to drop this because if she does maybe the cameras will go elsewhere, and considering that the longer the conversation goes on, the more she's slurring her words FOR REASONS UNKNOWN, she might want to try to keep off the show IF SHE WERE FULLY IN HER RIGHT MIND, JUST SAYING? She then changes her mind AGAIN on whether she's okay with his calling her condescending: "That's how I made $36 million and built an empire. And nobody fucks with me." EVERYBODY "FUCKS WITH" YOU, YOU ARE A PORN STAR. John: "You just keep trying to hammer a point home that you hammered home an hour ago." Jenna: "And I'll do it forever." You two have only been dating three months and already you're like this? BREAK UP.

Verdict

The candid parts with Jenna are worth watching. Everything else, eh.