Degrassi Can't Stop Showing Why You Shouldn't Date Dudes

Writers of shows aimed at teenagers have a huge responsibility when it comes to creating storylines. They should be entertaining, of course, or else the kids will quit watching and just go back to Snapchatting dick pics to everyone in homeroom or whatever kids do when they're not watching TV. But they should not just delight, but also instruct: episodes should include subtle lessons that help guide the next generation toward good choices that will make them happy, fulfilled adults. And this season, a lot of characters' plotlines have found them dramatizing the same object lesson from slightly different perspectives -- all of which tend not to favour half (or so) of the population.

I am not a crackpot. I just think this season of Degrassi is very intent on showing why you shouldn't date dudes.

It started last summer with Alli, who made the mistake of meeting a cute, charming guy in Paris. What could be a more perfect benefit of a summer study-abroad program than picking up a boyfriend with a sexy, exotic accent? (I mean, yes, a French accent is less exotic to someone from English Canada, but still.) Unfortunately, as perfect as Leo seemed, he was hiding a secret, which...actually, he didn't hide for long: he started physically abusing Alli almost immediately after they met, and she instantly fell into the cycle of excusing and apologizing for him because the good times were so good -- right up until she married him to keep him in the country and he reacted to her telling him they'd have to keep their marriage a secret by attacking her badly enough to leave injuries too serious for her to hide.

Eventually, Alli decides she can't continue shielding Leo, and lures him to a meeting where local police arrest him. But that doesn't mark the end of the ill effects Leo has on her life: having one arm in a sling compromises her ability to complete her science fair project and requires her to lean not just on stupid Jenna but on Mike Dallas to assist her in the lab. The lesson is clear: dating the wrong guy will not only leave you battered and disabled but could mess with your chances at academic accolades -- the very best kind of accolades you can earn.

Then there's the saga of Zoe and Drew. Zoe's mistake is twofold: (a) punching above her weight, popularity-wise, by daring to pursue a Grade 12 when she's a mere Grade 10; (b) liking him too much. At first, my impression of this storyline was how sexist it is: over and over again, Drew complains about how "clingy" Zoe is and what a drag it is that she's gotten the idea that he likes her based on the fact that he slept with her and thus wants to spend time with him all the time. How lame of her, right? Even Clare gets in on running Zoe down, as if Clare's own romantic history is so unblemished, and as if Drew isn't very complicit in whatever wrong notions Zoe has gleaned about their relationship. When Zoe finally gets so upset about Zoe breaking up with her that she narcs on him to her mom, who then interrupts a public meeting to confront Drew in front of his mayoral-candidate boss, Drew gets called to Simpson's office, where Mrs. Rivas learns that Drew can't be prosecuted for statutory rape...and Drew doesn't even get fired for bringing embarrassment on the candidate! The message is as old as time itself: if it comes out that you slept with a guy, you'll get tagged as a slut, whereas the worst that will happen to him is that he'll feel bad for a minute, eventually, kind of -- too late for it to make any difference to you.

Meanwhile, there's Imogen, who turns getting-into-trouble-over-forgetting-to-put-on-a-bra lemons into activism-against-the-sexist-dress-code lemonade. What starts as vague revolution against the status quo turns into a focused plan to improve everyone's lives, redefining the dress code according to the students' intentions in their outfits. Even the swanky Grade 9s who want permission to wear bra tops to school so that they can attract boyfriends come around to Imogen's way of thinking and thank her for the work she's done. And how does Imogen have the mental energy to pursue her noble cause? Duh, she's gay! In the words of Kate McKinnon's Billie Jean King: "There is no demographic in this world that gives less of a flip than 70-year-old lesbians" -- and young ones are evidently no more interested in making the powerful people around them comfortable.

Let's be real: if Alli and Zoe had never dated guys, they could be as happy, productive, and efficient as Imogen, and maybe been school heroes, like her, instead of objects of pity. Degrassi just wants you to know that guys will ruin your life, and you know what? Even if it's not true 100% of the time for all girls in high school, the percentage is probably in the high 60s, and the sooner girls know it, the better. In this respect as in so many others, Degrassi is performing an important public service! I am not a crackpot.