Contraception AND Radio? What A Time To Be Alive!

Look Up "Subterfuge" In That German Primer, Edith

In the aftermath of the fire that Edith's untamed emotions TOTALLY CAUSED, Anna and Mrs. Hughes are straightening up Edith's room to see what's salvageable, pick up her pillow to find the photo of Marigold underneath, and share a Significant Look. We already know Mrs. Hughes is watchfully suspicious of Edith's weird new friendship with Drewe, so seeing an image of the child they assume is his under Edith's pillow...doesn't help, and also brings Anna in on the so-far silent speculation about what the hell is going on there. Plus wouldn't they have found it there even if there HADN'T been a fire?

Carson vs. Lord G

The Committee meets again to discuss where the memorial should be located. Some suggest that Lord G give up what is currently the cricket pitch on the Downton grounds, but Lord G thinks the memorial should be in the centre of the village where it's more accessible for the people who might actually want to visit it. (I'm sure it has nothing to do with Lord G wanting to safeguard the place where he plays cricket once every five seasons or keeping mourning riffraff from the village off his property.) Carson joins the main Committee lady in objecting on the grounds that a spot in the middle of town won't be suitably quiet or peaceful and therefore not a fit place for mourning. This standoff lasts through most of the episode -- including a detour into Carson getting pissy because Mrs. Hughes takes Lord G's side -- until Carson and Lord G run into a lady in town who's standing by while her son visits his late father's headstone; she tells them all about how handy it is to have the graveyard right there so that they can take a few moments of quiet contemplation in the midst of their daily errands, and finally Carson's like, okay, I get it, and Lord G's like, sweet, now we're all set for another cricket match in Season 9!

Winner: Lord G.

Farewell, Jimmy

The disgraced Jimmy is taking his leave of Downton forever, with only Thomas to see him off. Considering how awkward things were between them when O'Brien tricked Thomas into thinking Jimmy was into him, Jimmy actually manages a pretty gracious farewell, apologizing for the trouble he put Thomas through when Lady Anstruther showed up with hot pants, and adding, "If anyone had told me I'd be friends with a man like you [read: a homo], I'd never have believed them." He adds, "I hope you find some happiness. I do, truly." Maybe if Tom finally pulls the trigger on moving to America and Thomas can weasel himself into going along and then moving to Chelsea? Anyway, I assume that's a series wrap on Jimmy. Let this be a lesson to the other servants: if you're going to totally bang your old boss in her room on the toffs' floor, try not to do it on a night when someone starts a fire down the hall, or you'll probably get caught and then canned.

World's A Changing, It's

Broadcast News

The Scene: Rose tries, with what she thinks is subtlety, to plant a subliminal message in Lord G's head.

The Symbol: The wireless -- a.k.a. radio for those of us not in jolly olde Englande -- she thinks he should purchase for the house.

The Meaning: Rose is all about progress; Lord G is a nostalgic stick-in-the-mud on the wrong side of history etc.

Try Being Less Obvious, Edith And Drewe

Edith and Drewe have stopped high-fiving over their amazing cover story for why Edith's hanging around Marigold so much to share their plan with Mrs. Drewe: Edith's going to be like Marigold's godmother or something! While Drewe lays it on REAL thick about how great it's going to be for Marigold to have Edith guiding her through school and whatever else, Mrs. Drewe is like, "She's got a godmother." Yeah, maybe MAIDEN AUNT would be more believable, EDITH.

The Dowager C vs. Isobel

The Dowager C is apparently still trying to turn Isobel off Lord Merton and onto Dr. Clarkson, based on the fact that she's invited Isobel and Dr. Clarkson over for tea so that she can shit-talk Lord Merton to both of them. "Mrs. Crawley has been distracted lately, with Lord Merton frisking around her skirts and getting in the way" is how The Dowager C starts. Isobel tries to be gracious, and when The Dowager C says that Lord Merton's invited them both to his estate, Isobel says that maybe The Dowager C is his real target. When Dr. Clarkson tries to change the subject to Lord Merton's reputedly lovely gardens, The Dowager C snickers that the view of the gardens will be "the final worm on the hook," which is when Isobel finally reaches the end of her forbearance and snaps, "Honestly, I'm as good at being teased as the next man, but even my sense of humour has its limits." That's Old-Timey for "FUCK OFF, VIOLET."

Winner: Isobel.

If You're Not Mature Enough To Buy Them, You're Not Mature Enough To Use Them, MARY

With a cover story about a "sketching trip" with some broad named Annabel in place, Mary's all set for her dirty week with Tony...almost.

Baxter's Horrible Secret: The Ongoing Secretions

Alert Type: Horrible Secret Alert.

Issue: Thomas is pissy about Jimmy leaving, so he decides to take it out on Molesley by spilling Baxter's Horrible Secret -- including specifics on the pieces she stole, that she tried to make it look like a break-in, and that she'd only gotten out of prison a few months before she started at Downton.

Complicating Factors: Molesley wants to believe the best of Baxter, but when he tells her what Thomas told him and tries to get her to offer exonerating circumstances to explain the robbery, she refuses, describing herself as "a common thief."

Resolution: It isn't really resolved. Molesely takes some time to think about it and tells Baxter she's not the same person anymore, and that he might even steal if he had starving loved ones to feed, and Baxter has to repeat that she didn't, and that she can't rewrite that chapter of her life, not even for him. Meanwhile, apparently Cora still hasn't decided whether she's going to fire Baxter or not.

Spoiler: THERE'S CLEARLY MORE TO THIS FUCKING STORY, SOMEHOW.

"Let Me Have One Of Those Porno Magazines...Bottle Of Old Harper...A Couple Of Those Panty Shields..."

Situation: Anna's gone to the chemist's on an errand from her lady.

What makes it awkward? SHE'S BUYING BIRTH CONTROL, YOU GUYS. And even though she's a married lady with a ring and everything, the chemist's lady assistant still gives her guff, reminding her about abstinence, until Anna says what are apparently the magic words: "I don't want to take any risks because of my health."

How is order restored? Anna successfully purchases the item (a diaphragm, I guess?) and hauls ass out of there without waiting for instructions, so if Mary finds herself up the spout, it'll be because EVERYONE INVOLVED IN THIS TRANSACTION IS A CHILD.

WithCrawleys And I

Three Conversations About Sarah Bunting

The terrible troubles the Russian aristocracy is currently going through plus Tom's increasingly full-throated defense of the revolution leads to some pretty bad-ass snaps from Lord G at the expense of our Sarah Bunting! LET'S LISTEN IN!

In The Days Before The Bro Code

Charles, who not only invited himself to Downton but brought Simon along, waits for everyone else to go to bed after dinner to get Mary alone by the fire and shit-talk Tony, basically. Even though earlier he was all, I'm TOTES happy for you guys, now that they're alone and Mary's opened the door by saying she hopes that Charles will be happy for her if she does end up with Tony, Charles wants Mary to know that she's too smart for Tony, which may have worked in a marriage in the last century, "when ladies had to hide their brains behind good manners and good breeding, but not now." He further adds that he thinks she's overlooking Tony's deficits because he's such a fox (I'm paraphrasing). Mary denies that she's a hard-up housemaid "drooling over a picture of Douglas Fairbanks," to which Charles says that "Plantagenets are just as susceptible as housemaids when it comes to sex." Mary drolly asks if they're talking about sex or love, and Charles is like, that's the question, right? OKAY SEE YA. Mary is left without anyone to banter with/to. She does not like it.

Edith "pops by" the Drewes' again to be all, SO I'M TOTALLY IN CHARGE OF MARIGOLD'S EDUCATION AND THEREFORE AM THE MOST IMPORTANT PERSON IN HER LIFE, RIGHT? While she's there, Mrs. Drewe tries gently to suggest to Edith that maybe she shouldn't be filling Marigold's working-class head with ideas, but Edith's like, BYEEEEEEEEEE! Once she's gone, Mrs. Drewe complains to Drewe that Edith is treating Marigold like a doll, and that when she gets tired of this hobby and moves on to some other rich-lady occupation (archery, maybe?), Marigold's going to be fucked! Instead of ending her torment already, Drewe just says he's PRETTY SURE Edith's in for the long haul! Let your wife in on your scam, dude, damn!

At the news that the King would be speaking on the wireless, Lord G has finally relaxed his own personal standards and agreed to the acquisition of a radio, and everyone -- toffs and poors alike -- has gathered in the front hall to listen! At the crackly sound of the King or some other British man for all anyone knows, The Dowager C, with some difficulty, stands up, and everyone else is peer-pressured into following suit, just like when there's a standing ovation at a play! Poor Mrs. Patmore gets saddled with the role of "dummy who doesn't know how radio works" and says she doesn't suppose the King can hear them? HAHA, WHAT A CLOD!

With her entire look on point, Mary checks in at Liverpool's Grand Hotel under her OWN REAL NAME!!!

When the King wraps up with his morning zoo crew, Lord G gets up to ask what Carson thinks of having just heard the voice of the King on the wireless. "I prefer to think of him on his throne, Milord," sniffs Carson. The Dowager C is ALSO opposed to the King's broadcast, surprising a nation! Mrs. Hughes says she appreciates that it made him sound like "more of a man," and when the servants have left, Isobel agrees; The Dowager C is worried, since the monarchy has always thrived on "magic and mystery," and it'll be bad for the King et al if plebes start thinking the royals are the same as normals!

Anna very nicely asks Thomas about missing Jimmy! Thomas says that he was never special to Jimmy anyway! Anna says she thinks Jimmy liked him, and Thomas pouts, "I don't think I'm very likable to people here"! Anna rhetorically asks whether he would like to be, and he sighs that there are some times when he'd like to belong! Anna gets it, but then stupid Bates enters and the spell is broken!

Carson asks Lord G if he should send the wireless back tomorrow, but Lord G, acting casual, tells him to move it to "the small library," adding that he's sorry Mary had to miss the broadcast for her boring sketching trip!

Cut to the boring sketching trip! Tony has finagled adjoining rooms! It was his idea that they check in under their real names because they're hiding in plain sight or something! They're going to go out for dinner and then come back and "make love all night," and you can tell Mary's inexperienced because his use of the phrase doesn't kill her lady wood!

And then, as Mrs. Hughes and Carson end their beef over the location of the memorial (it's been decided: the village), Thomas shows up to say there's a cop there to see Carson! He's asking about Green! The cop is super-casual about it as he says that even though everyone thought Green's death was an accident, it turns out there was a witness! But no one at Downton has to worry about that, RIGHT, MRS. HUGHES?!