He Knows How To Save A Life (And Wrap A Tween Around His Finger)

Since taking on the task of watching the full series run of Rags To Riches, I have used both this space and other media to complain about its many missteps (threatened date rape) and inaccuracies (egregiously '80s styling in an allegedly early '60s-set show). But while my judgments of TV are often harsh, let it never be said that even I can't be fair, even to Rags To Riches. Because it's time for Patty to have her first crush, and the show -- or should I say Chris "The X-Files" Carter, who wrote this one -- pretty much nails it.

I say "pretty much" because, as I have already suggested, I'm pretty sure that after the events of her life documented in Rags To Riches, Patty went on to move to San Francisco, buy a truck, and really get into dog rescue. But for now, surrounded by aggressively straight sisters, she has yet to figure out some important facts about herself -- and anyway, even a baby dyke would be hard-pressed not to become infatuated by the likes of Sean.

Rose's B-plot, an ill-thought-out plan to get a job as a lifeguard, puts Patty in the path of Sean. While all his fellow boy lifeguards are joining their boss in mocking Rose for her ambition to join their number -- which they are right to do; even though this is set up as systemic sexism, Rose is extremely unqualified -- Sean distinguishes himself by being nice about Rose's overreach. And sure, all it takes for Sean to be "nice" is just not to guffaw out loud. But then his boss asks Sean to demonstrate a barrel roll: Sean asks Patty, the nearest small person, to assist.

If all Sean had going for him was that sweet face, it would be one thing. But what makes him even more of a crush object is a job that requires him to be friendly and outgoing (and a personality that probably inclines him in that direction anyway). That look on Patty's face is sexual awakening. Suddenly, she's sick of her braids and baseball shirts, and convinced that what will attract a college kid to a fourteen-year-old is big hair.

I said, BIG HAIR.

Here's how else the show gets this storyline right where other shows would cop out: the crush burns itself out fast as Patty realizes it's not going to work out; Sean never has any clue that Patty ever thought they were going to end up together; and Patty transfers her newly budding feelings to a more age-appropriate target.

The sensitive, realistic portrayal of Patty's first-ever opposite-sex crush almost makes up for Heidi Zeigler's extremely weird choices when required to cheer on Rose in her lifeguard test.

Rose is out in the ocean, basically drowning, with surf in her ears and survival on her mind. She can't see you making "goony-bird" hand gestures against the competition that just smoked her. Fucking Mickey.