'I'm Not Too Keen On Miss Bunting'

You Love Me, I'm Perfect, Now Leave

Situation: Mary and Tony are on the last morning of their dirty week of dirty dirty sex and the occasional sketch of a bridge or something to keep up the cover story.

What makes it awkward? Their idyll has only made Tony more ardent in his affections for Mary, but Mary's clearly sick of him.

How is order restored? It isn't, yet. After putting him off with talk of how everything needs to be done properly and with society's approbation because she "won't be tarnished again," Tony's waiter brings his room-service breakfast and as soon as he's gone Mary's face is like, I gotta ankle this guy.

What she doesn't know is that her waning interest is actually about to be the least of her problems.

CSI: Yorkshire

Alert Type: Cop Alert.

Issue: Remember Willis? He's still investigating Green's murder.

Complicating Factors: Since the last time Willis came by, he's found a witness who heard Green ask someone "Why have you come?" He also heard from Tony's butler that Green had a bad time at Downton in general, and wasn't a fan of Bates in particular.

Resolution: Bates talks to Willis and offers up all the places he visited in York to establish his alibi.

Spoiler: After Anna expresses her doubts about Bates's innocence to Mrs. Hughes, Mrs. Hughes confides in Mary that all the places Bates went in York were within spitting distance of the train station. Did he seriously learn NOTHING in prison?!

The Literal Coward Of The County

Situation: The town where Mrs. Patmore's sister lives is putting up a memorial to its war dead.

What makes it awkward? Everyone Mrs. Patmore's sister knows will expect to see her son's name on it, but since, as you may have forgotten, he was executed for cowardice (which was probably actually PTSD), the relevant authorities have refused to include him; Mrs. Patmore's sister wants to know if maybe Mrs. Patmore could appeal to Carson (via Mrs. Hughes) to have the kid's name included on the memorial Carson's planning, so that she can lie that that's the reason his name isn't on the local memorial. (Maybe someone could tell this lady that she could say that regardless? How much travelling do these townsfolk do? Are they really going to fact-check her story?)

How is order restored? Um, Mrs. Patmore's sister resigns herself to her family's disgrace? Carson refuses Mrs. Hughes's request out of respect for all the noble war dead, as if THEY KNOW THE DIFFERENCE, GIVEN THAT THEY'RE DEAD AND ALL.

Fuck War Memorials

They cost a lot of money, take up a lot of time, and so far bring nothing but misery!

What The Butler Saw

Situation: Spratt has just returned from Liverpool, which he was visiting for a niece's wedding.

What makes it awkward? He totally saw Mary leaving a hotel with Tony in what certainly appeared to be a compromising situation, and he knows he needs to tell The Dowager C, but he has to be extremely delicate about it.

How is order restored? The Dowager C quickly grasps what's happening and plays it off, improvising a conference of Northern land-owners that Mary and Tony were attending. Spratt pretends to buy it, and The Dowager C starts packing for her guest shot on Whose Line Is It Anyway?

Thomas stiffly tells Carson his father is ill (though since we saw Thomas make a phone call about a job ad he saw in the paper, we know that's probably bullshit!). Carson grumbles that he supposes Thomas will be wanting time off, then; Thomas says he'd better leave in the morning, at which Carson gets even bristlier, but when Thomas shoots back, "If you want me to see him alive," EVEN CARSON has to back down and relent! Point Barrow!

Baxter quietly expresses her sympathy to Thomas. When he tries to put her off, she insists, saying that his father was always kind to her. "He was never very kind to me," Thomas spits. Thomas has daddy issues? Well, I never!

While Anna quietly panics about how Bates is about to get arrested for murdering Green literally any minute now, an oblivious Bates suggests that they should go have a night out sometime! Anna, her face dark, asks whether he's ever thought about what it might be like to go somewhere no one knows them! Bates is like, what's with the crazy talk, crazy? and Anna's like, you're right, I'm a nut, BYE!!!!

Mrs. Hughes kindly asks Daisy how her math studies are going, and Daisy says it's great, and that she's starting to wonder if she should stop there! She doesn't get long to muse about her academic career, though!

The Thing

Elegant ladies could never enjoy weeks of no-strings-attached fucking in northern England if they didn't have The Thing...and ladies' maids to buy them and subsequently take them away!

The Thing: Because Man's Got The Warmest Thing To Hide. In Your Vagina.

Baxter's Terrible Secret: This Fucking Better Be The End Of It

So somehow ever since Baxter told Cora about having done time for robbery, Cora's just kept her dangling on the question of whether she's going to fire Baxter or not? She still wants Baxter to tell her the entire story, which Baxter doesn't really want to do, so Molesley suggests that Baxter give Cora a condition: she'll spill everything, but only if Cora promises not to bring it up ever again -- and considering that she might get fired if she doesn't, Baxter decides she might as well give this bargaining position a shot, and Cora agrees, because, like all of us, she wants the gossip and she doesn't care what she has to do to get it. And the details are...pretty much exactly what you'd guess. There was a footman, he was hot, he had Baxter in his sexual thrall, he convinced her to steal a bunch of jewels on the night he quit and then basically let her take the fall. She could have narced on him but she was so ashamed and didn't want to reopen everything and blah blah blah this junior high shit would get her laughed right out of Litchfield.

Simon Says: Blow Off Your Sister-In-Law

This is the episode where we start to see that Cora is getting restless: she's dreamily reminiscing about the War and how much she loved feeling so useful, like maybe not enough to wish for another war, but like...maybe, a little? But until there's another war, she'll have to settle for popping into London to get a tour of the National Gallery with her new pal Simon Bricker, who REALLY digs her chili. He's lavish with his praise for her insights about art; he convinces her to ditch Rosamund and have dinner with him at the Ritz, where he's pretty sure she'll be the hottest bitch in the place (I'm paraphrasing); and he takes her on a leisurely walk home during which she tells him all about her pre-Crawley life as a half-Jewish nouveau riche from relatively grubby Cincinnati who had no choice but to come to England and find a nice old name who'd love her nice new money. It's a lovely afternoon that turns into a lovely evening (Simon flirting HARD all the while); when he asks if they can do it again, Cora warmly says, "I doubt it. But I hear that offer as a compliment." I don't know, Cora. Maybe don't lose his number. Or let Baxter lose it. However that all works.

Lord G vs. Cora

Whoooooooops. Unbeknownst to Cora, Lord G's followed Cora to London to surprise her, and even though Cora did try to call Rosamund and leave a message about dinner (to no avail), he's been sitting around like an asshole (I'm paraphrasing) waiting for Cora to show up so he could be mad at her for making him wait even though she had no way of knowing he was there. His pissy attitude doesn't quite deflate her post-Simon mood, though Lord G finally gets around to being jealous of Simon when he sees how cheerful Cora's time with Simon made her. She keeps up her innocently happy demeanour until Lord G scoffs at the idea that Simon would have any interest in Cora's thoughts on art, whereupon Cora's like, I'm going to bed, DICK. Normally these two sleep in the same bed; maaaaaaaaaaybe not tonight.

Winner: Cora.

Widow Buddies

The best scene in the episode is this casual chat between Tom and Mary, who have so many good reasons to be bros -- their work together on the estate; their both being bereaved young parents (with...lots and lots of full-time help and children they basically never see, but still). They get to chatting about relationships: Mary confides that she's not that sure about Tony as a prospect anymore, and Tom lets on that he knew the truth about that "sketching trip" baloney all along. Anyway, Mary says Tony's nice (kiss of death), but that she never really noticed how little they had in common because of all the sexy thoughts crowding out their incompatibility: now that the sex is out of her system, she's like, eh. "Well, I won't ask how," says Tom. "Please don't," she sighs. Tom says he'll back her up on whatever she decides, if she'll do the same, and she asks if he means about hooking up with Sarah Bunting, or about moving to America, which I guess is still a possibility even though he hasn't mentioned it in forever. Tom says he's not sure. Mary makes no promises: "I'm not too keen on Miss Bunting." Well, she can be an acquired taste for some.

If He Likes It Then He'd Better Put A Ring On It

Who called the meeting? The Dowager C.

What's it about? Mary's hot pants, which literally everyone is talking about.

How'd it go? It kind of ends in a standoff: The Dowager C is insistent that Mary has to marry Tony now that she's boned him, but Mary refuses to be hurried into anything. The Dowager C can't understand why, if Mary wasn't sure she wanted to marry Tony, she went ahead and slept with him anyway, and Mary's like, YOLO. The Dowager C sniffs, "In my day, a lady was incapable of feeling physical attraction until she'd been instructed to do so by her mama." Mary has to take control of her feelings before they take control of her. I choose to interpret this advice as The Dowager C advising Mary just to get herself off instead.

R.I.P. Baxter's Terrible Secret, 1921-24

Cora's thought about it, and even though Baxter let one dude talk her into stealing from a past employer, Cora won't hold it against her, and will continue to employ her. Don't get any felonious ideas, Molesley -- or if you do, pull them off on your own!

Drewe-ing Down The Curtain On This Relationship

Who called the meeting? Drewe.

What's it about? Edith getting way too fucking clingy with Marigold, to the point where Mrs. Drewe is pretty sure Edith's going to try to kidnap her.

How'd it go? Bad. Edith knows she doesn't have any bargaining position and that she fucked everything up herself; plus as she's fleeing the conversation in tears, Anna and Mrs. Hughes totally see her crying. Sloppy, Edith!

The Russian Tea Parlor

What's the occasion? Rose has assembled some of the Russian emigrés she's been helping out, and brought them by Downton for tea and to look at some of the Russian souvenirs The Dowager C and her late husband brought back from a trip they took to that country in the last century.

What are the refreshments? Tea, little sandwiches, maudlin displays of loss and heartbreak.

Whose embarrassing public scene will everyone be talking about tomorrow? That clod Sarah Bunting pisses off Lord G by being present (she'd come by to give Daisy a math lesson, which Daisy couldn't take because she was too busy prepping for the tea), and then pissing off one of the guests by suggesting that the czar was "misguided in his policies." At this point, I'm pretty sure Miss Bunting doesn't care about hooking up with Tom and is just trolling the Crawleys for fun.

Russian Fingers

After The Dowager C blushes like a guilty schoolgirl at the sight of Prince Kuragin, Mary teases, "I know now that you understand my predicament far better than you let on!"

In the car, it's Isobel's turn to get The Dowager C back for all the guff she dished out with regard to Lord Merton's fondness for Isobel: "Have you made plans to see your admirer again?" The Dowager C is not amused!

BUT SHE IS INTRIGUED!!!!!