Screens: WeTV
'Oh, Natalie. I'm So Tired Of Her Already. She Brings None Of The Pathos/Rage That Tanisha Brought To The Table.'
It's time already for the Carrolls to pull 'fake divorce court' and 'fake spouse death' out of their careworn bag of tricks.
Our Players
Hello, I'm East Coast Editor Sarah D. Bunting.
Hello, I'm contributor Stephanie Green.
Hello, I'm West Coast Editor Tara Ariano.
The Talk
Well, I'm awfully interested to hear what Stephanie thought of this week's "legal" "proceeding."
I had in my notes that this proceeding was basically Mock Trial With Judge Reinhold, minus the live band. Also, pretty sure that in actual divorce court, the judge doesn't dole out advice like, "You need to know your own worth." Not positive. But pretty sure.
I'm not convinced that Syleena or whatever her name is understands that a court convened in the living room of a McMansion in Calabasas doesn't actually have the authority to take your kids away.
In her defense, The Cello Of Urgency was pretty upset about that development too.
Yeah, her breakdown was almost as good as when Tanisha forced herself to throw up last season to prove how traumatized she was by whatever stupid thing they were having them do.
This is where I admit that I am now Team Spencer for his "fuck this" monotone during the car-wrexercise. He gave it exactly the effort it deserved. Good for him.
It really got Jim and Elizabeth's collective goat, too, which was great.
Jim and Elizabeth need to quit...it, basically, but especially quit throwing around hard numbers. Couples have an "80%" success rate coming out of their boot camps? I highly doubt it.
I found that "stat" extremely dubious as well.
Here's where we should say you did a little private investigating on the Carrolls. Please present your findings.
Yes! Prepare to be shocked: neither Jim nor Elizabeth are actual marriage counselors!
WHAT
THEY WHAAAAAAAAAA
HOWEVER
GO ON
Jim is a black belt in mock turtlenecks?
67 people on LinkedIn have endorsed Jim for his vast knowledge of "Corporate Security." So it's not like they're unqualified to be giving out marriage advice. Another one of his "Top Skills" is "CCTV." So he's a television professional, basically.
That's clear from his extremely natural hand gestures whenever he has to read the TelePrompter.
My favorite part of Jim's LinkedIn profile, though? It says he graduated from Garland High School in 1973, and underneath that, it says, "yes, science."
I would like to say that this is less baffling than Natalie's Romulan-goes-to-da-club top? But it isn't.
Oh, Natalie. I'm so tired of her already. She brings none of the pathos/rage that Tanisha brought to the table.
I've seen more of her butt than I have of my own.
Me too BUT what business is it of Judge Bullshit's to tell her that she needs to act right in her marriage because if she doesn't her husband's going to meet someone else? Who cares!
I guess this show's understanding of "divorce court" is just "really judgmental marriage counseling."
I don't care how many babies this Jacob wants NOW. He knew Natalie was a butt model when he married her. Love her, love her butt selfies.
Seriously.
Although I did like the "judge"'s advice to Heidi and Rachel. Which basically boiled down to, "Girrrrlll."
Yeah, Rachel needs to notice that Tyson hates her.
He doesn't care enough to hate her, even!
Haha, YOU'RE RIGHT!
"She's fine. She does what I say." That's worse, to me.
I'm unclear what Rachel is getting out of this. Maybe she thinks if they get married, she'll get a cut of his overdue Hanson royalties.
My theory: she totally knows. She's just waiting for this check to clear and then she's going to go with some other dude. One who doesn't think wedding money is better spent on "designer jeans." Fucking Tyson.
You'd think someone who was so interested in having a stylish bottom half would CUT HIS HAIR.
Or wash it. Let's start small.
But of course, the centerpiece of the episode was the fake car wreck challenge, and I have to give it up to the producers: I never would have imagined they could make it even more tasteless than it used to be. Kudos?
Yeah, glad to see they scrapped the morgue set and upgraded to the full accident scene. Money WELL spent.
Spencer's big ass hanging out the window was fantastic comedy.
The best part was the aftermath, when the victims all had to sit around acting like they didn't have fakey trauma makeup all over their stupid faces.
Reid in particular looked like he was running a neighborhood haunted house for kids.
I wonder how they chose which member of each couple would be the victim. Because you'd think they'd want to make the most of Aviva's handy detachable leg in a situation like this. Opportunity squandered.
Or moving Heidi's face around, which ditto.
I assumed they cast it based on which was more likely to text and drive. Or whoever has the most DUIs.
It seemed also like the more "villainous" member of each pair was the one who had to work up the crocodile tears for their partner. Watching Aviva try to make her face look sad made MY face hurt.
Poor Kiwane, getting blamed for a manslaughter text. Even if it's fake, that's harsh.
Has anyone changed their minds about who, if anyone, isn't going to make it? Because now I think maybe Tyson and Rachel. The way he comforted her when she got upset seemed extremely perfunctory to me.
She also seemed perfunctorily upset, so I'm not sure.
As you'll recall, I said Tyson and Rachel last week. The stakes could not be lower for these two. NOTHING bad happens if they break up. And, as we've noted, they seem to not like each other that much?
I'm more convinced that Speidi could break up (and should, if she's for real about wanting kids), but not that they will.
Even Jim was like, "If you don't want kids, you don't want kids." I understand that's a conversation some people have BEFORE they get married.
I can't tell if her whole "BABIES NOW" schtick is real, and if his resistance to it is also real. Although I admit it's not a great sign that he referred to his hypothetical future child as "somebody else" he'd have to take care of.
That cracked me up too. "Some kid." Well, YOUR kid, you'd assume, but if that phrasing doesn't bother her, I doubt she's going to give him an ultimatum.
Now that I've seen them here and on Celebrity Wife Swap, my feeling is that she sincerely does want babies, and that he knows his resistance makes for better TV. I mean, what does he care if they spawn? He's not going to look after "some kid"; he doesn't even look after himself.
True. And I also think even Heidi would have hit the road if she thought he was never going to give in on the kids thing. If all else fails, she'll just sneakily get pregnant and then trap him, which never doesn't work.
Maybe Rachel should try that. Just kidding, the only thing she should "try" is Flowbee-ing Tyson in his sleep.
I do find it gratifying how grossed out we all are by Tyson's hair. It's good to know I'm not alone.
God, how could you be. It's 2015; take that mess back to the Spin Doctors.