Lorne's Acts Of Dominance, Ranked

When my esteemed colleague Sarah and I discussed the Fargo premiere last week, I commented upon how interested I was in seeing what kind of mayhem the Chaotic Evil Lorne would get up to in his tour of the midwest, but of course, there was always a chance that he'd calm down in the second episode and turn into a garden-variety villain. Wrong! (That role has been filled by Adam Goldberg, apparently.) Lorne is still planting ideas in strangers' heads that will definitely get them in trouble, and still really weird. A guy like this is going to find no shortage of targets for his quiet yet chilling brand of dominance in North Dakota and Minnesota. I counted seven, and ranked them from least to most nakedly aggressive.

7. Telling a janitor, "You missed a spot"

It's kind of a dick move, and kind of a dad joke. If the janitor had taken umbrage, it would have turned ugly in a hot second. Fortunately (for him), he didn't.

6. Listening back to a conversation about the outcome of his weird/violent advice

It might seem to Lester like Lorne was an angel of death who blew into his life, killed his antagonist, and then inspired Lester to kill his own second-worst enemy, and then blew out again, never giving Lester a second thought. But now we know that Lorne recorded Lester's call about his murdered wife and may yet use it against Lester for Lorne's own entertainment -- a private moment of dominance, but it counts. [NOTE: either your correspondent misidentified the voice on the phone or the screener version was different from air, so this is a correction from the first version of this post. Forgiveness, please!]

5. Calling a supermarket chain's Head of Security a "fire hydrant"

This week, Lorne's been sent to the office of supermarket magnate Stavros Milos, to deal with a threat of blackmail that Milos has received. (Milos is pretty sure it's from his estranged ex-wife Helena, but after Lorne goes over to her house and meets her greasily tan trainer, Don Chumpf, a telltale smudge on the ransom note kind of gives him away.) Anyway, Lorne takes the meeting with both Milos and his Head of Security, Wally Semenchko, dismissively referring to the latter as a "fire hydrant" due to his barrel-chested build and unfortunate bright red jacket that I pray is part of his uniform because otherwise it makes no sense. Semenchko takes an instant dislike to Lorne for this affront...and their next encounter is no more propitious for a possible friendship between the two. But we'll get to that.

4. Putting his blackmail assistance on blast with a book inscription

Lorne's assignment is relayed via his receipt of a copy of Milos's self-aggrandizing autobiography (a tissue of lies, according to Helena), so when Lorne meets Milos, he asks Milos to autograph it. Milos asks if Lorne wants him to write anything in particular, and Lorne suggests, "To Frank Peterson: Thanks for nailing my blackmailer." Milos's face falls, and Lorne chuckles, "I'm just kidding. Anything you want; you're the writer." Milos can bluster all he wants in his office, but this little dig reminds him that he's not actually in charge in this situation.

3. Stealing a car

A guy stops his car in front of Milos's supermarket and, very trustingly, leaves the door open and the keys still in it. So Lorne rolls out of the store, confidently walks right up to it, gets in, and drives away -- not even in much of a hurry. Take that, property laws!

2. Refusing to show ID to pick up a parcel at the post office

I guess one challenge of being an off-the-grid mercenary is accepting mail? Not just because it can't be addressed in your name, but because it could be addressed to any number of names, and maybe you don't have ID for any of them. So when Lorne has to go get what turns out to be Milos's book and a wallet containing ID for a minister, he gives the least amount of information possible while also making it pretty clear that if the post office dude won't co-operate, Lorne will go back there, get the package himself, and probably leave an even bigger spot for the janitor to clean up. Or miss.

1. Shitting in front of an antagonist

Semenchko tries to protect his Milos turf by going over to Lorne's motel room and telling him to leave town. Lorne not only doesn't bother to respond verbally: he deliberately goes over to the toilet, pulls down his pants, and shits. Audibly. Semenchko acts affronted, but let's be real: there's no doubt who's the leader of this pack now.