Spy Kids' Letters From Camp

Septic Sneak Attack

Situation: Philip and Elizabeth are carrying out their mission at the Contra training camp: in Elizabeth's case, that means killing a Nicaraguan military leader of some sort (I mean, I assume he's Nicaraguan; he's not speaking English), and for Philip, it means taking photos of American soldiers training Contras.

What Makes It Awkward? They're not supposed to be there, so when some kid stumbles upon him taking photos, Philip has to overpower the guy and then slash his throat when he won't shut up; he then also kills the soldier who comes to investigate the commotion the kid's murder caused. And THEN when they get back to the real septic company guy they left tied up in the woods...he's dead.

How is order restored? Philip and Elizabeth silently undress the dude and, presumably, dispose of his body. But order is only restored temporarily; the next place they have to go together that they've never been before is even worse.

Have Blue, Will Travel

Alert Type: Code Word Alert.

Issue: As part of Stan's ongoing campaign to solve the Baklanov kidnapping, Stan's being read into the DOD's Have Blue Program, which is (a) a terrible name, and (b) way less fun than when things are read on RuPaul's Drag Race. When the first nerds he's hooked up with tell him about a recent meeting in Alexandria was attended by Northrup and Boeing, the companies bidding on the project, and also all the people who each know a tiny bit about the Stealth project (the idea being that no one person's kidnapping could allow said person to reconstruct the project alone for a foreign government), Stan decides he needs to interview all of them.

Complicating Factors: As requested, Martha brings Stan the surveillance reports for the meeting, and notes that it happened the same weekend as those terrible murders at that hotel in Alexandria -- you know the ones. (Also, one of the people who attended was Fred, but we'll get to him.)

Resolution: No real resolution yet, but Stan demands and gets all the physical evidence from the murders and seems to be putting some of the pieces together.

Spoiler: Stan may need to focus less on this investigation and pay attention to matters even closer to home. Okay, at home.

Praise The Lord And, Later, Pass The Ammunition

Situation: It's Youth Day, so Philip and Elizabeth have VERY RELUCTANTLY agreed to go to church with Paige, and drag Henry with them, I guess because he's still being punished for breaking into the neighbours'.

What Makes It Awkward? In addition to the Jenningses' baseline suspicion of religion due to their Soviet upbringing, Philip is still stewing about all those people he killed last night -- and he's so icy cold that both kids have noticed (although, when Philip blows off Henry's attempt to play along with a card trick Henry wants to perform, Henry may just assume Philip's still mad about the break-in).

How is order restored? Elizabeth manages to fake it well enough to pass as a normal mom, right up to the moment when Paige introduces her parents to the pastor and his wife; when the latter mentions Paige's "generous donations" to the church's mission fund, we know shit's about to get real tense.

Paige vs. Parents

Real tense shit: at home, via yelling, Philip and Elizabeth learn that the "generous donations" Paige has made to her church amount to $600. That's all the money she has, and she was saving it to go to Europe. Paige protests that the money's going to help people now; Elizabeth counters that Paige doesn't even know what they're going to spend it on, and Paige says she does: building houses, feeding refugees, all the usual churchy stuff. Paige whines that her pastor helps people: "You don't help anyone!"

This makes Philip come alive, for the first time in this conversation, with a scary energy. "We help you," he tells Paige urgently. "We help you and we helped you save that money." She rolls her eyes, and he downshifts into fake-amused disbelief, telling her not to do that, and to show him some respect. But I guess Paige has been so good for most of her life that she's not used to navigating Philip's moods, because she not only doesn't back down, but when he asks whether she knows the difference between lying and telling the truth, she turns on him and snaps, "Do you?" And that's when Philip picks up her bible from the kitchen island and starts RIPPING OUT PAGES LIKE A TOTAL FUCKING PSYCHO, screaming at her, "DOES THIS BOOK TELL YOU TO DO THAT?! YOU RESPECT JESUS, BUT NOT US?!!!" By the time he's stomped off to the bedroom, Paige is crying, and even Elizabeth is like, whoa dude, is this how you deal with your anger at people you can't either murder or borderline sexually assault?

Winner: Scary, scary Philip.

Bonded In Blood

Who called the meeting? Fred.

What's it about? The fact that he's been summoned before Stan.

How'd it go? It starts out kind of uncomfortable, since Fred is still not entirely on board with Philip as Emmett's replacement: "You inherited me. You didn't see something in me." But then Philip lets him in on the whole thing with the fake plans Fred had directed him to, and Fred also gets upset about the dead sailors and what he thinks is his part in it. Philip tells Fred that, when he goes in to meet Stan, he should think about all the shit the Administration gets away with, and about the kids who died, whenever Fred feels intimidated. THIS IS SOME HEAVY SHIT TO BE COMING OUT OF DIRTBAG PHILIP, GUYS.

Paige vs. Elizabeth

Elizabeth decides to take a break from stewing about Philip being shitty to her to go and be shitty to Paige: she wakes Paige out of what seems to be a deep sleep, drags her down to the kitchen, and orders her to clean the fridge. When she's done with that, she can mop the floors, and...wait, fold the towels in the basement? THE SECRET BASEMENT OF SPYCRAFT? Seems like a bad move, but okay. Paige is like, "I have school tomorrow," but Elizabeth doesn't care: she says that if Paige wants to spend her money like a grownup, she can find out what it's like to be a grownup. According to Elizabeth, it mostly involves doing shit you don't want to do, all the time. (Eh, that's only if you have kids. And a real job, I guess. [Author high-fives self for totally having neither.]) Elizabeth reminds Paige that she and Philip never had childhoods, and never had anything come easy to them, and that Paige doesn't realize how lucky she is...though she leaves off the part where the reason Paige doesn't realize it is that her life is more or less exactly like all her decadent Americans' friends charmed lives. Harsh, but hey, if I had a kid to fold towels for me...actually, I wouldn't trust some dumb kid to do it to my high personal standards.

Winner: Elizabeth/cleanliness.

G-2 Summit

Who called the meeting? Gaad.

What's it about? Now that the reality of his circumstances is setting in, as he packs up his office and ponders whether he's going to lose his pension or go to prison, he wants to try to buy himself an insurance policy.

How'd it go? Hard to say? Gaad says, in case Arkady didn't know, that Gaad's in trouble because the Soviet Foreign Minister won't accept that poor Vlad was killed in a mugging. And Gaad would like Arkady to know that if anything bad happens to Gaad, he's going to take Arkady down with him -- specifically, by giving the press the sworn testimony Richard Patterson gave before he was totally murdered by Claudia, on KGB orders. If that happens, Moscow will have to rebuild the Rezidentura from scratch, and the first one to go will be Arkady: "My problem is now your problem." Arkady doesn't seem too concerned, and cordially says he'd always wanted to meet Gaad and wishes it could have been "under less trying circumstances." I'd say things aren't going to end up as Gaad had hoped, but things are still kind of ambiguous at the moment. (Arkady has the advantage fashion-wise, if nothing else.)

In Nicaragua, some dude tells Larrick about the two people who were killed at Contra Camp! LARRICK SEETHES!

After an AA meeting she's just attended in disguise, Elizabeth has coffee with Lisa, a woman who shared about her sobriety! Elizabeth tells her some version of the truth -- that she was sick for three months; her husband was great; and, though she realizes it's fucked up, she fantasized about some kind of catastrophe befalling him so that SHE could show HIM she could be there for him in the same way! But then she changes the subject to Lisa -- what does she do? Oh, she works on an assembly line for a company called Northrup! HUH!

A very pissy Clark waits at Martha's apartment for her to come home so he can pick a fight with her! But she won't bite! She tells him it's okay for him to have moods: "I'm not afraid of all the different sides of you! I love all of you!" And he rewards her love by going into the next room and playing her the doctored recording that makes it sound like all the bros at the office were sitting around talking about what a car-chaser she is!

After she's taken this in (and had a chance to have a little cry about it), he can tell her that (a) if things were different, he'd go into her office and kick everyone's ass, but that (b) since he can't, she can get them back by listening for leaky talk about the Stealth program! And then things get a little romantic, but he's not into it -- not even when she politely asks, "You want me to use my mouth?" He doesn't! And how much could she do with those weird thin lips of hers anyway?

Stan comes home to find Sandra packing a suitcase to the dulcet tones of Dr. Ruth talking about vaginal moisture on the radio! Sandra starts to tell him a tale about going to visit the sick mom she hasn't seen in a while, but bails on it when she's barely begun and admits the truth: she's going away for a few days with a dude she met at (where else) est! They have an emotional connection and she wants to see if there's anything more there! Stan has the balls to be appalled, but she counters that at least she's being honest: "Tell me you're not having an affair," she challenges! But he doesn't! She can't believe that a counterintelligence expert couldn't see what was happening right in front of him! And she won't tell him who this other guy is: "It doesn't matter who he is! What are you going to do -- go arrest him?!" And when he asks if she's leaving him, she spits, "That would be easy for you, wouldn't it!" It would let him still be the good guy! But she's not leaving him now -- she's just not going to sit around waiting for HIM to get the courage to leave HER! Stan cries tiny, manly tears! At least he has Nina totally in his corner TLA 4Eva, right?!

And then Philip's putting on his scary leather Throttlin' Gloves and rolling up to the church to make some barely veiled threats to Pastor Groovyhair! He tells the pastor to stay away from Paige! Pastor G's like, you want her to quit coming to church? How am I supposed to make that happen? I can't turn anyone away, that's the whole point of church! Philip, with cold fury, brings up the money, and Pastor G's like, I never would have taken the money if I knew you didn't approve, and I'll totes write you a cheque, but it's not really about the money, and maybe the best thing you can do for your daughter is work on your extremely obvious rage? He sees that Philip's in pain and says, "There is grace and forgiveness for you -- for everyone"! Philip's like, "Do you believe that?" and Pastor G's like, "I do"! And Philip's so taken aback by the idea that he might not be past redemption that he just swallows hard, backs out of the room, wanders all the way back out to the street, and DOESN'T THROTTLE ANYONE AT ALL OR EVEN GIVE ANYONE A MUCH-NEEDED HAIRCUT!!!!!!