'Well, What Did You THINK I Was Going To Do?'
"Thank you so much for letting me give my side of the story, because that is not how I had expected that day was going to go. You heard Boyd: when he found me, I was just hanging out at home, basically. I'd gotten up, continued digesting the mouse I'd eaten the day before, and was just out getting some sun when all of a sudden this dude with absolutely crazy hair grabbed me and stuffed me in an old toolbox. Okay, I guess I'm not going to be taking my usual nap today! Now I get to sit here in the dark, wondering if I'm about to be turned into part of a boot.
"Next thing I know, now I'm in a revival tent, so I'm trying to decide, is this better or worse than becoming a clutch purse or something? Like, I'm a rattlesnake. In my community, you hear things about snake-handlers. Granted, we all pretty much know they're just legends, because when a rattlesnake gets snatched up and taken to a snake-handler church, he or she doesn't come back. But that's kind of all you really need to know, from our perspective, right? I'm pretty sure that whatever's about to happen, I'm probably not going to be able to meet up with Jill to share a gopher tomorrow.
"So as you know, I'm Deaf, so I have no idea what the hell happened before I got yanked out of the box. But Crazy Hair looks alarmed, this other goober with a teen pube 'stache looks determined, and this blonde chick seems like she's about to wet herself. And as I read Moustache's lips, it's starting to seem like the stories I've heard about snake-handlers were basically true. He's going to hold me up in front of the congregation, and even though I know I can poison him, and he knows I can poison him, and he knows I know, he's going to just wave me around willy-nilly and trust in the Lord to stop me from biting him.
"Well, excuse my French, but fuck that noise.
"Partly, it's instinct. I really don't know where I am, except in a general sense. Yes, I'm pretty sure this goon is not going to kill me. But I don't know for certain! This guy's LORD gave me the means to defend myself when I'm in danger, or think I might be, maybe, even if I'm probably not. So I'm going to use it. And for another, I am a self-determining individual. I'm not a prop to be used in your evangelical BS.
"Furthermore: not that anyone asked, but I am Catholic. So next time you need a snake for your whole spectacle, maybe try to find one who isn't just going to poison you and then clear his conscience by going to confession and saying a couple of rosaries."