Where In The World Is Dewey Crowe? Also, All The Heroin?

Every Dog Has Its Day (Of Reckoning)

There are a lot of reasons you shouldn't turn your dog into a merciless savage. For instance, if you leave him to your brother-nephew's care while you're off running drugs in Mexico and the kid has no particular reason to love the dog other than basic human decency, then he won't be holding the dog's leash when he goes out for a pee, and will thus immediately lose track of him when he chases some varmint or other and ends up in the path of a pickup truck. R.I.P. Chelsea, you bitch. Or bastard, I guess. And good job knowing how to steal a car and drive it to freedom, Kendal. If only you were as good at picking your sanctuary.

Drive Shafted

Dewey thought he had life all figured out. He'd boosted the tow truck, driven it over Miller and Danny, and gotten surprisingly far from the scene of the crime. He was so confident that things were going his way that he called his favourite hooker, Mina, to gloat all about it...which is when he lost track of the heroin-filled car, which rolled over a rock (dropping its muffler, or something, and a lot of its load) and into a tree. Sure, it's not so much that Dewey can't just load the heroin into a duffel bag, but now a car that was a shitbox to begin with is in even worse condition and Dewey's big plans are going to be even harder to pull off. Dammit, Dewey, it takes more than lots of drugs to unload drugs or haven't you been watching Archer?!

Dumped Like A Truck

Early Release

Boyd is excited to tell Ava all about having tracked down good old Albert and his plan to get Albert to recant the whole Ava-shanking-him story so she can get out of prison, but Ava tearfully tells Boyd that she no longer thinks it's right for her to ask him to help her now. "There's things I gotta do in here in order to survive, and the less you got to do with them, the better." As Boyd protests with increasing desperation, Ava releases him from their engagement and says she doesn't want him coming back to visit her again, and even though I'm 100% in the bag (or WHEREVER) for Raylan, the way Boyd grits his teeth and calls her "WOMAN" is...hot. Sorry. But it doesn't work on Ava like it's working on me; she hangs up before he can change her mind, and trudges back to her cell. Guys, I'm as bored by this plotline as any of you, but she's a mean lady for making Boyd cry.

The Call Is Coming From The Catbird Seat

Having just been dumped by Ava, Boyd basically CAN'T with ANY OF THIS SHIT, which means it's not the best time for Dewey to call and try to make a deal to sell Boyd all the heroin he's currently driving around with. But that's what happens anyway. After correcting himself -- it's not all of it, it's just half: "But it's the whole half!" -- Dewey threatens to take it someplace Boyd will never find it, and says he ditched Danny outside Parkersville. (Darryl, also present and listening to the call on speaker, does not inform his new "family," Boyd, that Danny's back and has already been to Audrey's to warn Darryl and Wendy that they have "a situation.") Dewey asks Boyd for $250,000 in cash; he'll throw in Audrey's, too. He wants to meet before sunset, and hangs up with an incongruous yet touchingly awkward "thank you!" Darryl immediately disavows Dewey, but Boyd's basically like, fuck this shit, and leaves with Jimmy, telling Darryl to figure all of this Dewey business out, which is, let's face it, perfectly fair. Dewey is Darryl's direct report, after all, and thus is Darryl's problem to manage.

Raylan vs. Some Crowes

Because Raylan is good at his job, he knows that the abandoned tow truck and the divot in the ground are both Dewey's handiwork, so he comes to Audrey's looking for him just in time to interrupt Darryl in the middle of preparing a ringer: a briefcase full of "cash" that's mostly newsprint cut to size and bundled with a couple of bills on the outside. Let's be honest for just a second: this is a plan that will probably work on the famously stupid, four-kidneyed Dewey. Since Danny has left the room to go take a shit (his words), Darryl must bear the brunt of Raylan's contempt and sarcasm, and he tries his best to keep Raylan from looking in the case (which he claims is full of used condoms that are on their way to getting washed for reuse: "This here's a green whorehouse") by talking a bunch of shit about his legal rights -- Wendy, standing by fretting about the still-absent Kendal is no help here -- but Raylan just picks up the case, bashes Darryl in the head with it, which sends its contents flying everywhere. Wendy finally speaks up to say that Raylan's putting "innocents in jeopardy" by "acting out" the way he just did, to which Raylan shoots back, "I can't recall the last innocent I came across with a briefcase full of fake cash." He announces that he'll be taking it all with him back to Lexington, where they will be welcome to reclaim it if they can account for the actual cash it contains, but that he's pretty sure there isn't enough in there to pay for the gas it would take. LOL, CROWES, U MAD?

Winner: Raylan.

Good Manners Cost Nothing

After his altercation with Darryl, Raylan finds a couple of prostitutes (one of whom is Mina) packing up and intuits that they're getting ready to meet up with Dewey. So he tantalizes them with the briefcase full of "cash" in order to borrow Mina's phone to call Dewey, warn him about Darryl's ringer, and try to talk some sense into him, whereupon Dewey pretends to be cowed, and then breaks his phone and throws it out the car window. All of that is fine, except for the part where Dewey doesn't just back down. What I don't like is that when Mina, having checked the briefcase and seen that most of it is worthless, comes out to yell toward the phone that Raylan stole her phone, Raylan hisses, "Not stole. More like rented. Fairly cheap, as it happens," and raises his eyebrow at the last part, like, they know they're hookers, Raylan, (a), and (b) they're hardly more trashy than that floozy you were dating last season. It's a weirdly discourteous moment for Raylan and I do not care for it!

Game Of Porcelain Thrones

Alert Type: Assassination Alert.

Issue: Rowena wants Ava to kill Judith, as we know.

Complicating Factors: Just when Ava's gotten Judith alone in the bathroom, Penny comes in -- clearly aware of what's about to happen -- and tells Ava she has to go because there's about to be a bed check.

Resolution: Penny tells Ava that she wasn't trying to stop Ava killing Judith. In fact, Rowena has ordered Judith's assassination for Penny, to repay Judith for all the guards she made Penny have sex with (including the one who wouldn't wear a condom and got Penny pregnant, at which point Judith ordered her to have an abortion). So Penny's all the way behind this plan, and wants to give Ava a better, stabbier shiv.

Spoiler: Like Steven Seagal, Judith may be...Hard To Kill.

Don't Send A Runaway Back To His Family Of Known Criminals?

We'll never know whether Alison would have made a different decision about what to do with/about Kendal if she hadn't smoked a joint immediately after she saw him. But I feel like a social worker who was good at her job might intuit that one of her former clients not just running away from home but breaking into her apartment might be trying to tell her without telling her that there are good reasons for him not to go back, and maybe he needs her help? Not to mention the fact that the uncle he still lives with RAN ALISON HERSELF OFF THE ROAD not so long ago? So like, maybe figure out a pretext to delay returning him to THE ACTUAL BROTHEL WHERE HE LIVES? Just a thought.

Dewey Crowe And The Case Of The Awesome Pseudonym

I'm neutral on Dewey trying to solve his drug-unloading problem by working Dickie's connect...but thumbs up to his jailhouse sign-in name, Parker Stevenson.

The Godmother

Who called the meeting? Wynn.

What's it about? Picker having suggested that there's no way dealing with Boyd won't end with Wynn dead, he'd like his old friend/adversary Katherine to help him assess his current predicament and figure a way out from between Boyd and Detroit.

How'd it go? Whatever happened between Katherine and Wynn in the past was apparently bad enough that Wynn potentially risked her sticking an ice pick in his neck upon arrival, BUT she keeps up with "current events," and is willing to do an assessment for $50,000 up front. Also, he missed her, which she seems pleased to hear. WYNN GONNA GET SOME LOV-IN'!

Just Like Old Times

When Dickie Bennett calls Raylan from prison, Raylan basically has no recourse but to go there and find out, you know, WHAT THE FUCK. But the quid pro quo offer doesn't get very far.

You're (Not) Gonna Carry That Weight

Situation: Dewey has gone to Cyrus, the former Bennett dealer Dickie directed him to, in an effort to unload his share of the heroin.

What Makes It Awkward? Cyrus doesn't have nearly enough money to buy it himself, but he can call in help...

How is order restored? ...which turns out not actually to be that helpful, because he calls Danny to take the drugs and get Dewey out of his hair. And judging by Danny's promise to "tear [his] ass up," things don't look good for old Dewey.

The End Of Chelsea

Who called the meeting? It's kind of an ad hoc discussion without any clear leader.

What's it about? The still-absent Chelsea.

How'd it go? Pretty bad. Danny is distressed that Chelsea hasn't come back yet, and when Wendy returns from Lexington with Kendal in tow, Danny turns his anger on Kendal, since he'd been deputized to take care of him/her in Danny's absence. Kendal is so over it that he blurts that it's not his fault Chelsea didn't have enough sense (or training, ahem, Danny) not to run into the road. Danny lunges at Kendal, who goads him by asking if he's going to kill Kendal just like he killed Jean-Baptiste. That Danny is responsible for Jean-Baptiste's death is brand-new information for Wendy and Darryl, but the latter just rolls with it, barking out rapid-fire orders for everyone's roles in Chelsea's funeral...and then punching Danny for lying about Jean-Baptiste. GREAT JOB SENDING KENDAL BACK INTO THIS ENVIRONMENT, ALISON, YOU DIPSHIT.

Danny vs. Raylan

Raylan finds Danny after his siblings and nephew have apparently prepared the scene of Chelsea's funeral -- he's got a bouquet of pristine white flowers and everything -- and after Danny tells the tale of how he got Chelsea in the first place from a puppy mill operator friend of his (because of course all Crowe friends are also upstanding citizens), Raylan threatens to take Kendal and Wendy in as accessories unless Danny gives himself up for drug possession since, you know, Danny still has the drugs he just got from Dewey, like, right beside him. Danny's not done mourning, but he also reaches for his gun, and then he decides to try to be a big man with his 21-foot rule bullshit, again. Raylan isn't worried, and says his shooting accuracy is solid up to 75 feet, but Danny still drops his gun and charges at Raylan, apparently forgetting that Chelsea's grave has already been dug because he falls right into it. Raylan shoots, but I can't actually tell if Raylan hits him before he falls in the hole...

...but it's kind of a moot point, because Danny falls on his knife and stabs himself in the throat/mouth/neck/head.

Winner: Raylan. But also gravity.

Raylan debriefs a comparatively civil Art on the latest in Crowe news! He had nothing to hold the other Crowes on, but they're pissed, and in light of Kendal's adventure, he's concerned about Alison's safety! Art will handle her protective detail personally! I guess this is how he's going to end up getting killed! (Not a spoiler, just a guess informed by many years of watching TV!)

Oh God, Ava in prison, who even gives a shit? Okay, fine, Ava approaches Judith when Judith's alone in the chapel! Judith knows all about the plot against her, and that both Penny and Rowena are involved! Ava says she doesn't want to kill Judith: she'd rather cut a side deal instead! Judith makes like she agrees, but then says she couldn't possibly trust Ava now, and the two fight! Ava is getting choked out when she grabs Penny's special Stab-o-Matic and shivs Judith a bunch of times in the side! Judith is dead, I guess, or if not, is at least probably really pissed!

With the help of Teri/Candy, Boyd's tricked Albert into getting himself abducted, and has him restrained at the bar as he toys with him about how to pay him back for Ava's incarceration! Albert says he can't get Ava out by recanting now, and anyway, he only did it because he loves Ava! He could tell they had a connection! He hurt himself instead of hurting Ava, because he knew he could never win her! Boyd sees a kindred spirit in Albert, I guess, because he cuts his duct tape and lets him go! WHAT THE HELL?!

While a despondent Darryl drinks and mourns Danny, Wendy needles him about how this should prove to him once and for all that they need to leave! Their father always knew the right time to walk away! Darryl's not fit to stand in his shadow! Darryl says that's rich coming from a woman who won't even claim her own son! BLOWS ARE EXCHANGED!

After kicking the shit out of Wendy, Darryl finds Kendal in his trailer and tells him he needs to decide immediately which side he's on: "You a Crowe or not?" Under duress, Kendal says he is! Then Darryl makes him do a Seminole blood bond that probably just gave Kendal at least Hep B! "We ain't got no secrets, do we?" says Darryl, leadingly! Now they share blood! They share everything! THIS IS GOING TO END VERY POORLY FOR KENDAL! AGAIN: STELLAR JOB, ALISON!!!!!