Battle Of The Man-Whoring 'Reality' Shows

The latest Kroll Show takes us inside -- deep inside -- the latest adventures of Bobby Bottleservice and Peter Paparazzo, as they join the chosen family of Gigolo House. Pretty much exactly what you think, the Gigolo House may have reminded you of another gritty, hard-edged look into the lives of male prostitutes: Showtime's Gigolos! But how do the two compare? Let's break it down.

Which dudes are hotter?

This is literally impossible to adjudicate. Since all the guys across both shows know that in order to attract the attention of potential female clients they'll need to "peacock," they all do a lot to maximize their raw physical material. We're talking creative facial hair, extensive ink, tight rayon buttondowns, dye jobs in colours that don't occur in nature, and leather everything. It's such a parade of top-grade beefcake that it's no wonder ladies are constantly throwing panties and cash at them!

Winner: Tie.

Which offers the more insightful portrayal of male friendship?

The gigolos of Gigolos seem to spend all their down time together -- hanging at a boxing gym, drinking cocktails by the pool under what is apparently a main flight path to McCarran -- and comparing notes on their lovely lady clients. If one bro wants to discuss how meaningful he finds it to service a woman who has low self-esteem or has been single for a while, another is definitely going to back him up and confirm that what they do for a living is basically one step removed from therapy.

I wish I could say the same of Gigolo House! Why must the guys constantly be competing with one another and jockeying for position when they all want the same thing: to get paid hard cash to pound willing ladies? That said: I was gratified to see that even though Eagle Wing is pushed, by Farley, to punch Bobby right in the puss -- one of a gigolo's most important tools, as Peter is quick to remind us -- he remembers the Gigolo Code in the end. No wonder Bobby was moved to cry for a fortieth time.

Winner: Gigolos.

Which guys have the more compelling hobbies?

Having their days free means that the Gigolos crew have plenty of time to pursue their very diverse, organically developed interests. Yoga? Rap battling? Ventriloquism? Costume design? We've seen them all -- and that's this season alone! Imagine how fascinating their Pinterest boards must be!

The Gigolo Housemates, on the other hand, seem more focused on their primary pursuit: tail. Save the one guy who quit to be an architect before deciding that he's not about to go back to school for probably at least a year.

Winner: Gigolos.

Which has sexier sex scenes?

The latest episode of Gigolos finds Nick going at it with a lady in a barn. Is she into it? Apparently yes. But that's just unsanitary.

This episode of Gigolo House finds Peter breaking house rules (the spirit if not the letter of the law) by getting whipped in the pool by Mrs. Feinstein while Mr. Feinstein watches.

Winner: Tie.

Which is the better advertisement for sex work?

I mean...look, the premise of Gigolos is that women are empowered to take control of their own sexuality by employing a prostitute who'll put her pleasure first. That's all great in theory. Unfortunately, the guys are all kind of gross.

Meanwhile, Peter Paparazzo's Gigolo House sexcapades filled the pool with fecal matter, and his client was soaking in it.

Winner: Tie.

The Victor

Gigolos? Huh!