When Violence Strikes Wheels, Ontario's Model Parliament, There's Really Only One Possible Culprit

It's hard to believe anything could be happening at Mikey's school on Wheels, Ontario than several projects on root vegetables, but it's true: it's about to be Model Parliament, and delegates from every province have arrived, in their traditional native garb, to participate. Let's hope they brought multiple sets, though, because some bad onion has taken the occasion of the exotic delegates' visit to perpetrate a little terrorism. And not just Canadian terrorism, either, like when someone stands too close behind you in line for the ATM/GAB -- the kind that would be considered terrorism even in the States!

Because the Mounties must come and investigate the attack -- with the full co-operation of every student, given their bedrock trust and faith in the Canadian justice system -- the effects of the locker bomb prove even more disruptive in the long run than the requests by the delegates from the Northwest Territories to sit with the other provinces' representatives at the big table.

But if you're in Canada, you're investigating an act of terrorism, and you've ruled out the Muslims and the Americans (thanks, Tunes), there's really only one other group you need to consider.

For her crimes, Tunes's terroristic twin sister will have to endure a sentence in "a safe and comfortable prison built exclusively for French-speaking women of Asian ancestry." But first, Mikey will get to deliver a stirring speech about the land he loves.

In all honesty, Canadians will tell you that Quebecois separatism is mostly a dead issue at this point, and that many of the occupants of Saskatchewan's labour camps are there entirely by choice. They will also tell you that there was probably room in this storyline to make mention of the fact that Newfies are dumb hicks. But just as Mikey said, Canada stands united...in its contempt for Vancouver and its plague of junkies.