Screen: WeTV
'That Puppet's Breasts Were Alarming. Whatever Puppet Surgeon She Saw Should Have His License Removed.'
Jim and Elizabeth challenge the boot campers to talk about sex, in their usual VERY mature fashion.
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The Talk
As if this show hadn't taken enough from me and my soul, now Tyson has burned one my favorite phrases, "bone zone." Thanks a lot, Apostol; now that YOU'VE used it, it's ruined forever. (Puppets were already ruined, fortunately, by virtue of being puppets.)
Of all the scandalous things the sex-surrogate puppets were made to do, somehow the one that bugged me the most was when Syleena undressed hers. Leave the puppet its dignity, you monster!
That puppet’s breasts were alarming. Whatever puppet surgeon she saw should have his license removed.
It's not like I don't get that sex is one of the big issues for at least one and probably all the couples, but I so did not want to hear the Carrolls talk about it.
It's pretty gross! The whole idea that Elizabeth and Jim are using this dumb puppet exercise to probe whether the couples have a "mature sexual relationship" is also...questionable? Like, this can't be the first diagnostic tool that springs to mind.
Especially dolls we're used to seeing on SVU to help kids talk about getting molested.
Theory: between last season and this one, the Carrolls saw Avenue Q.
There were puppets last season, Tara! Remember the clam and the tunnel and the donut? I still have nightmares about the clam.
I'd forgotten that, STEPHANIE. Adios, sleeping ever again.
I guess I am now the repository of institutional knowledge for this terrible show.
At least those didn't have to stand in for the boot campers' whole...ugh, selves, now everything sounds dirty!!!
I will say, though, that as foul as this exercise was, it did reveal some interesting tidbits, like the fact that Heidi has to beg Spencer for sex.
Can you even imagine. But also that was weird: what do we think Spencer's problem is? Are her parts the last thing she hasn't gotten fixed up, or does he not like girl parts on anyone?
I think he legit thinks she's going to pull the goalie and trap him into having a kid.
Okay, yes. You nailed it. (He didn't.)
Agreed. Although it seems like there might be...work-arounds. Just saying. They should ask puppet Syleena and puppet Kiwane for advice.
But they should NEVER JOKE. Because nobody mature has ever laughed at/during sex.
Yeah, even if Syleena and Kiwane aren't really having sex much, at least they are aware of the component steps, unlike some Tysons. Is a guy being grudging about foreplay still a thing? Is calling it "foreplay"? Is he going to tell Rachel that real men don't eat quiche next? Get with it, Tyson. It's the '90s.
Is putting up with that still a thing?
Yeah, that SUPER-grudging "Fine, I'll start doing foreplay" of Tyson’s! The nerve!
"Gee, thanks."
Another item for my "they don't know each other outside the show" list.
I guess we can add one more thing to the list of things that Rachel's NOT getting out of this relationship.
He is obviously terrible, but the "I'm so sick of waiting for him to marry meeeeeeee" meme is so fucking lame.
I know; at this point even Jim and Elizabeth are like, "Really?"
I mean, particularly because she's dying to get married to HIM, of all people alive, but she sucks too. Boo to their whole relationship.
Going back to Heidi and Spencer for a sec: the sheriff came to Spencer and Heidi's house because he was being too loud during sex? Huh? I'm imagining him shrieking like a woman being murdered because that's the only feasible scenario for why their neighbors would call the cops. Right?
I can see them rigging up a PA system to ensure that that happened/got them attention.
ha!
Blech.
Since we're back on them, Jim is really doing Heidi no favours when she cries about wanting to be a pop star and he tells her she's exhibiting "growth." Aren't therapists supposed to be truthful? Tell her to go get a job at Walgreens. And ALSO, even at the height of their "fame," did they REALLY need bodyguards?!
Elizabeth got kind of real with Heidi at the end, though, when she was like, "Reproducing is not the answer here." Although I am pretty sure that fell on deaf/dumb ears. And I mean "dumb" in the sense that she is stupid, not that she can't talk.
If only.
It's true, that was the only time I respected Elizabeth even a little.
But I agree that they've given up on Tyson and Rachel. Finally. He's a human monotone; why bother.
Their advice to Kiwane and Syleena was less helpful. "You need to keep the passion alive." Uh, okay, thanks? Could you make that a bit vaguer, please, Jim?
I'd love to know what they expect some of the exercises to do. They're certainly content to declare it mission accomplished no matter how stupidly it goes -- but I do wonder what the goals are, sometimes. Like, did they think something was really going to come of forcing the couples to make puppet sex tapes in front of each other? And if so, what is that something? "Openness"? Not all openness is good.
I mean, listen, they got some concrete results with that puppet exercise. Jacob and Natalie agreed that Jacob would be okay with Natalie, uh, lending him a hand while she posts ass pictures online. Compromise!
I had to respect Natalie at that moment, I admit. She was trying to problem-solve, sort of, in her way.
"Problem-solving" now officially a recognized euphemism for "giving a handjob."
What should we call a beej? "Fact-finding"?
"Brainstorming"? (Sorry.)
"The Rachel"?
"Doing a drilldown." "Running it up the flagpole." "Heads-up"!
There are all strangely apt.
I may have just googled "business jargon."
Ew, "jargon."
That's the noise you make when...well, anyway. (Too far?)
I've been trying to get this "deep muff-dive into the issue" joke to work for six minutes. Ain't happening.
Anyhow, I know this whole episode was supposed to be titillating, but I wish I could get an Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind treatment and unlearn all of the revelations about these people's sex lives.
Instead, it's like A Clockwork Orange. And the orange thing is Jim's makeup.