Does Cortney Know That Being A 'Veteran' Of Las Vegas Doesn't Make Her Cool?

Can we stop acting like the MAFS class of 2014 are a bunch of marital pioneers?

Dr. Pepper (ugh) says that the two couples who actually stayed married at the end of the big Married At First Sight "experiment" are "brave risk-takers who are working to have a lifelong marriage." Are they, though? Isn't it maybe more accurate to say they were a bunch of singletons so desperate for love that they were willing to try anything, including this cockamamie scheme, and now are trying to save face after such a dumb goof by acting like it was actually a great idea all along? The plaintiffs in Loving vs. Virginia were "brave risk-takers." Marriage equality activists are "brave risk-takers." Doug and Jamie and Jason and Cortney are reality TV stars. In fact, "stars" is probably overstating things.

Will Doug ever stop giving us updates on his state of sexual arousal?

As bad as Jamie ever was about wedging her urgent need to have babies into every conversation, no matter how awkward or out of place, Doug's talk about his tiny boner is almost as off-putting. Doug and Jamie go out to watch New Year's Eve fireworks: perfectly innocent, right? They're out in public, what could go wrong. "And there were fireworks going off in my pants, I'm not gonna lie." - Doug. Um, NO ONE ASKED. Also, YOU CAN LIE, and WE ALL WISH YOU WOULD.

Can we talk about how this whole Vegas trip came about?

That Jason would get a couple of days off for working New Year's (and Thanksgiving before it) is something I buy. That Jason -- the member of his household who's its sole income earner and who didn't bring debt into the marriage that we know of -- would come up with the idea of taking a Vegas vacation on the spur of the moment AND that all their dearest friends would be able to pick up and go with them? I'm not so sure. And Cortney's reference to their friends' having "pitch[ed] in financially" really just raises more questions than it answers. Given how much Planet Hollywood signage we saw, I have to assume that, like last week's Carmax ad, this trip was free thanks to product placement, and I guess they had to have some kind of fake explanation given what we know about Cortney and Jason's finances, but it really just highlights how contrived this whole jaunt really is.

Does Cortney know that being a "veteran" of Las Vegas doesn't make her cool?

Someone tell her nothing is more basic, and that goes triple for all the carousing that makes it on camera.

Was I the only one who saw Cortney's wet-blanketing of Jason's vow-renewal plan coming from a mile away?

Let's pretend, for the sake of argument, that the Vegas trip was Jason's idea and that Production just helped arrange for it all to happen for free. What in the actual world would have made him think that a partying trip that segues into a vow renewal is what will make her happy? What Cortney wants more than anything is to feel close to family. She wants it so much that she blew off her husband for Thanksgiving so she could go see her (apparently extremely camera-shy) parents; she wants it so much she's trying to forge (or force) connections with the family members who wanted nothing to do with Jason when his mother was still alive. Cortney has nothing against a Vegas trip that's an after-the-fact bachelor/ette party -- after all, she's a "sassy diva" and has been since she was a baby (?) -- but Las Vegas is not where a Cortney goes to reinforce her bonds of love. It's where she goes to jam singles in a troubled runaway's g-string. And Jason's misapprehension of Cortney's priorities is maybe not the greatest sign for their longevity as a couple.