Paige May Not Judge est Followers, But God Will! (...And Paige Does.)

Two seasons ago, an Irina, some old trick of Philip's, told him that she'd had a son named Misha a million years ago and that he was Philip's. WONDER WHY THAT MADE IT INTO THE "PREVIOUSLY" SEGMENT THIS WEEK AFTER TWO YEARS! WEIRD!

As I Went Down To The Bathtub To Pray

Situation: Paige is getting baptized.

What makes it awkward? Her parents are secretly super-godless Commies!

How is order restored? It's not. After Pastor Groovyhair gives the congregation a primer on how great Paige is -- such a force at all their social actions, "challenging, questioning, yelling" -- as Philip and Elizabeth try not to barf...

...he dunks Paige in the wood-paneled bathtub.

She surfaces, looking as beatific as a newly christened child of God should.

And her parents are just thrilled!

Faith And Hope You Don't Let Your Mom Talk You Into Any Crazy Shit

Who's causing a family crisis? Paige.

How? Directly, by doubling down on her faith.

Which relatives have a problem with it? Elizabeth, despite all her dutiful attendance at church services and events.

Who's an unlikely ally? Philip, who -- while helping Paige exchange a Rick Springfield poster for a Paris one (...Rick Springfield is godless?) -- uses the occasion of her recent baptism to tell her how proud he is of her, because her having stuck with church despite her parents' resistance shows how well she knows her own mind. Rolling her eyes, Paige takes this as a coded message for her not to drink or use drugs, but he tells her it's not about that: "It's about always remembering to be your own person. Because no one knows what's better for you than you -- even if they care for you or have your best interests at heart. You should always be true to yourself." "Going to church is being true to myself," Paige says, leaping to another wrong conclusion. When she sits on the bed to do her homework, dismissing Philip, he realizes she doesn't get what he's trying to say and drops it.

Spoiler: Others may find different ways to exploit Paige's newfound faith and social activism.

What's On The Menu For Stan's First Date With Tori?

Stan's followed Philip's advice and made his first date with Tori a low-key dinner Chez Jennings. She must be so glad she said yes!

Badger: Apparently no one talked to Henry about asking dinner guests nosy questions, because he is REALLY eager to get to the bottom of what est is -- and, to be fair, the way Tori describes it -- "It's about being in touch with where you're at and just being you, and taking what you get and being cool" -- is not exactly illuminating.

Judgment From On Hi-C: When Tori says est is "spiritual," Henry asks, "Like church?" Paige will field that one!

A&W Teen Burgers: I thought onboarding Tori with a casual dinner party double date at home was a nice idea, particularly given that Stan's still not sure he's ready to start seeing women. Whose call was it not to let the kids eat in their rooms for this ONE NIGHT?!

Just Gabbin' Like Gals

Alert Type: Jailhouse Stoolie Alert.

Issue: Nina's been promised special considerations if she can get Evi to talk about the circumstances that got her arrested.

Complicating Factors: Given how clingy Evi's gotten with Nina since Nina suddenly acknowledged Evi's existence and started talking to her, Nina might have qualms about exploiting her emotional vulnerability for Nina's personal gain?

Resolution: Haha, as if. Nina tells her own story of her lovers in America -- one capitalist, one Communist -- and how foolish she feels about having let herself lose her head for love, since both men turned out to love their countries more than they loved her. She draws a parallel between herself and Evi, both having trusted the men they loved, only to be lied to. But Evi gets hot, insisting that her boyfriend -- the one who had her dead-drop the package that got her arrested -- would never lie to her: "He loves me!" "He lied to you, Evi," says Nina. "He never lied to me," says Evi. "You do things for love." Bingo! That's the kind of revelation that gets your confessor steak and red wine!

Spoiler: Probably no steak and red wine where Evi's going.

Nicotine Drama

Well, the unthinkable has happened. And Elizabeth is caught completely off-guard. Paige opens the wrong door at the wrong time and discover the shocking secret Elizabeth's been keeping from her children -- from the world -- for practically her entire life: SHE SMOKES. I mean, call me crazy, but isn't the very last person who should ever get caught sneaking a clandestine smoke A LITERAL SPY?! Anyway, Elizabeth starts to try to cover, and then is like, fuck it, yes, sometimes I smoke. Paige is totally blasé as she says she knows, and so does Henry (which makes me wonder what else Paige knows...?). Matter-of-factly, Paige says she's not going to tell Elizabeth it's bad for her, because obviously Elizabeth knows, but she will say she wishes Elizabeth didn't smoke, and hopes she quits. Elizabeth is taken aback by Paige's straightforward manner, and says she's impressed by how grown-up Paige suddenly seems. After trying to use this as a reason to get her curfew pushed back, Paige says seriously that she knows her involvement in the church hasn't been easy for Elizabeth, so she's grateful for Elizabeth's support. Elizabeth very pointedly says she hopes Paige knows that Elizabeth would support her no matter what. Paige then asks what Elizabeth really thinks of church. Elizabeth jokes, "There are probably one too many pot lucks." Paige smiles and agrees, but then is like, no, seriously. Elizabeth carefully says it's not really her thing. "How do you know?" Paige asks. "I mean, have you ever tried it?...Praying?" Surprise! This Soviet citizen has not, in fact, prayed. Paige says she should try it, explaining that though it feels silly at first, like you're talking to yourself, after a while, you feel something. "What?" "A presence," says Paige. "It helps." Too bad Elizabeth can't say she already HAS that: his name is Gabriel, and he loves to bake!

Jesus Is The Ultimate Cock-Block

"Jim" is back at Kimmy's, having a harder (heh) and harder (heh heh) time fending off her increasingly aggressive advances. How aggressive? Well, she wants to take a bath with him. Philip sees an opening (heh heh heh) and encourages her to take a bath -- "You should be relaxed" -- and as soon as she's closed the door and started running the water, he hauls ass downstairs and lets in another KGB agent. She doesn't get a name, so let's call her Agentina! As Philip stands watch, Agentina busts into Kimmy's father's briefcase to implant and conceal the comically large recording device she's brought...

...and all is going just fine until Kimmy comes down in a towel, ready to fuck. Naturally, she's confused that "Jim" is downstairs, so he has to claim that he was just going out to his car to get her a surprise, and sends her upstairs while he takes Agentina's earrings to regift to Kimmy. Gift given, received, appreciated, and modeled, there's really no more reason to forestall their throbbing biological urges any longer, so Kimmy drops her towel and prepares to get down to business. SOMEfuckinghow, Philip has not arrived at the house with an excuse as to why they can't Do Sex tonight (or maybe he came -- heh heh, heh -- planning to get it over with and choked -- heh -- when it actually came down to it), and he stands there looking like an idiot for a second before the answer reaches him directly from heaven above! Covering her up, "Jim" explains: he really, REALLY wants to have sex with Kimmy, but he's been having problems lately -- at work, and with other stuff -- so he's been going to church for the first time since he was a kid, and he's starting to think about starting over in a new life, with God. Kimmy:

Kimmy's boner thusly killed, she asks if Jim's breaking up with her, and he says no; he just needs to take things slow. Kimmy says that's fine..."but are you sure it's not me? If I'm doing something wrong? Because you can tell me!" "No, it's not you at all, you're perfect," says Philip. "Now let's find you some pants and a shirt and socks and a parka and four sleeping bags," he does not add.

A Higher Power

Philip returns from his non-sexcapades with Kimmy so relieved that he's escaped her clutches for another week that he produces a leftover joint, and he and Elizabeth crouch next to the bedroom window to smoke it, and compare notes on their recent spiritual encounters. Elizabeth chuckles that Paige told her to pray. "I would like to see that," says Philip. "She's living in a fantasy world," says Elizabeth, almost contemptuously. Philip's not so sure Paige isn't on to something, and tells her how The Lord got him out of having to take Kimmy to the bone zone. Which is pretty funny, but they both crack up way too hard, and I guess Gabriel wasn't kidding when he said the weed he got for Philip was super-strong. Once they've settled down, Elizabeth confirms, "So you didn't sleep with her." "No, I didn't," says Philip, resigned. "But if this operation drags on and she gets older, then, maybe." Well, that's icky! But I guess it's like the old expression says: If you don't want to bang a girl you've known since she was a child, become an accountant.

Step Up 2 The Sheets

Who called the meeting? Gabriel.

What's it about? Spy stuff.

How'd it go? Philip is going to start associating Scrabble with pain if his Gabriel meetings keep going this badly for him. First, Gabriel tells Philip that it's going to be great for the people in the field in Afghanistan to have "weekly updates" from Kimmy's dad's briefcase recordings. "'Weekly'?" says Philip incredulously. "Conditions in the field won't support that." "Has it gotten intimate yet?" Gabriel asks hintingly. Philip's like, emotionally? FOR SURE! Just kidding, he knows what Gabriel means, and is embarrassed that the answer is no. Gabriel says that Philip needs to stay close to Kimmy so that he can get regular access to the recording device, laying it on thick with references to how bad the soldiers in Afghanistan have got it these days. But there's more! Irina was captured in Brazil. The Centre knows that she talked to Philip (two years ago) about her son Misha and his relationship to Philip, and it seems like they have no reason to think that what she told Philip isn't true. And he's also heard tell of Misha: "He's a good soldier. His commanders respect him a great deal. He's loyal, he's trustworthy. He's like you in that respect." Gabriel asks whether Philip's told Elizabeth about Misha. "Of course not," says Philip. Though it must be a relief to him that he's off the hook on recruiting at least one of his children to the Communist cause, the rest of this meeting is kind of a shitshow for him.

I Wish I Knew How To Quit You

Stan was making real progress in moving on from Sandra -- he even, from what we saw, was able to close the deal with Tori right next to a pretty adorable photo of his wife and son -- but then he had to go and hear from Aderholt that Dave, a guy he worked with in the midwest office was one of four agents killed in a small-plane crash, and since Sandra knew Dave too, here they are getting shoved back together again. When Sandra comes to drop Matthew off, she gives Stan a condolence hug (which he holds on to just a little too long) and reminisces about how funny Dave was, and when Stan asks whether she'll come with him to Dave's memorial in Chicago a couple of weeks hence, she...says she'll think about it. Dave's helping reunite the Beemans from beyond the grave? Who's Elizabeth to say God isn't real?!

Mom And Dad Are Fighting. And Have Been. For A While.

Who called the meeting? Gabriel.

What's it about? It's time for his solo check-in with Elizabeth.

How'd it go? She's probably on edge going into it, because while Philip still hasn't told her about Irina and Misha, he DID tell her that Gabriel's requiring weekly check-ins from/with Kimmy, and Elizabeth knows what that means. Things start out well, though, with Gabriel telling her that her report Hans -- who I totally thought was German when we first met him, which just shows how great an ear I have for accents: he's actually South African -- actually turned up decent intel on a student who may be a South African plant, about to discredit the anti-Apartheid movement with acts of terrorism. But then they have to talk about Philip, and his obvious dissatisfaction. Gabriel says Philip's losing faith in him, which Elizabeth doesn't bother to deny. "It's Paige," she says. Gabriel knows, and adds, "I never want you to deceive him, but if he's holding you back on this...." "He knows I'm going ahead without him," says Elizabeth, which...does he? "But you're not going ahead," says Gabriel. What a nag!

Evi is anxious that Nina hasn't spoken to her since she was returned from...wherever she was (Moscow's famous Ruth's Chris Express, though Evi doesn't know that, and maybe Nina wasn't talking because she was afraid Evi would smell the steak on her breath), but she doesn't have to live in suspense much longer, because here come the guards to haul Evi away! Hearing the footsteps, Evi's face crumples, and she starts screeching, "What did you do?!" As the guards carry her off kicking and screaming...

...Nina is serene! A nice steak will have that effect, guys!

Kimmy is walking home when she runs into "Jim," leaning against his car trying to look all cool as if he didn't just tell her he's all a Jesus freak! Kimmy is diffident, and doesn't seem that interested in going somewhere with him to talk, until he says he can't stop thinking about her! This has the desired effect, and she tells him her parents are going to be out of the house until that night! JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL!!!

After picking Paige up from school for no special reason, Elizabeth drives her someplace sketchy! Paige is nervous, but Elizabeth promises it will be okay! And Paige sure has no reason not to trust her!

Kimmy brings "Jim" upstairs to her room, but before his literal ass can start cashing the cheques his mouth's been writing, he announces that he wants to tell her exactly why he's gone back to church! Philip tells her an actually pretty true version of Misha's origin -- he was seventeen, didn't know about the child until much later -- and now he wants to be a better man, the man he couldn't be for his son! He really wants Kimmy...but he's also REALLY messed up right now! He knows this sounds crazy, but like, would she pray with him? As a good American teen despite all her rebellious affectations, Kimmy smiles and nods, and they kneel at the corner of her bed, holding hands! "Jim" asks God for help doing the right thing and being a better person! And when he tries to pull away, Kimmy clings to his hands and asks God to look out for "Jim" Jr., and let "Jim" see him someday!

"That was amazing," grins Kimmy. "It was," Philip hoarsely agrees. Whoa, this prayer was maybe not as fake by the end as it was at the beginning, huh, Philip?

And then we're with Elizabeth and Paige, walking through Gregory's old neighbourhood, as Elizabeth tells Paige all about the man who worked with her and Philip in the civil rights movement! They were real activists, and Gregory was important to Elizabeth: "He helped me see the world in a different way; he helped me understand things I had only read about in books." Excitedly, Paige asks whether they were ever arrested, and Elizabeth smugly tells her, "We were never caught!" Leading Paige to a bench, Elizabeth gets down to the business of this "impromptu" trip, which is some #RealTalk: she loves the good Paige has been doing with the church, but sometimes doing good is harder than going to rallies and signing petitions! Paige anxiously asks whether Elizabeth thinks she isn't doing enough, and Elizabeth says, "I think there's something special about you, and I just think you could accomplish anything you wanted to." Paige thinks Elizabeth's brought her here to say that Paige should stop going to church, but that's not it: "I wanted you to know that I'm more like you than you think."

And as Paige ponders whether this could be true...

...Elizabeth feels like a reeeeeeeal piece of shit.