Hey, Do We Know If Jamie Wants To Have Kids?

Once fyi struck buzz gold with Married At First Sight AND managed to keep two of its first three couples committed to TOTALLY LEGAL marriage, it was inevitable that it would go back to the well for a spinoff...and it's finally here! But this series premiere feels like it raises more questions than it answers.

Do we assume this or any spinoff was a condition of signing up for Married At First Sight in the first place?

I can believe the producers of Married At First Sight were easily able to find enough heedless singles willing to get TV-married, on a lark, to make a show; after all, one of the six they got to do it had already tried to do it on a different show before. But even if, against all the odds, two of the three couples liked each other enough to want to try staying married, why keep the cameras around? The first five weeks of getting to know each other were, from what we could see, stressful enough; once the actual nuts-and-bolts business of marriage was underway and past the point where fyi was paying for furnished rentals, it seems to me that the couples -- if they meant it -- would want to start their lives together without having to be on camera-ready behaviour all the time. I am PURELY SPECULATING and have no inside knowledge of any of this, but I feel like there are only two ways this can go: they're not sincere, but they still want to be reality-TV famous; or they are sincere, and are being forced to stay on reality TV by the contracts they never ever thought would come into play. Even if you think Jason & Cortney and Doug & Jamie are just committed to the documentary process, consider Monet, who shows up not just in this premiere but, per the sizzle reel for the rest of the season, in subsequent episodes as well: it can't possibly benefit her dating life to risk limiting the pool of eligible non-fame whore men potentially available to her by being on this show more, right?

Why are the "experts" still hanging around?

You already got to fluff yourselves for having made two matches in the reunion special. You're adding nothing now. Get lost.

Hey, do we know if Jamie wants to have kids?

We've been reunited with Jamie for less than a minute when she first mentions having kids -- to wit, "Doug and I decided to move to New Jersey to be closer to his family, primarily because we want to have kids. Things are so great now: let's just go have babies, like, I mean why-- Why wait any longer?" I know she thinks that's a rhetorical question, but...there are a lot of reasons, starting with maybe you should be acquainted with your partner for an entire fiscal year before you start thinking seriously about having a child with him? I mean, Jamie, it's not like your clock is ticking that loud yet: you're only "twenty-eight"! Jamie's obvious lies about her age aside, she is fortunate to be surrounded by Hehners urging or enforcing reproductive caution -- Doug, who was so unemployed until about five minutes ago that when he got married he was still living with his parents; and said parents, who are still not all the way on board with Jamie in general and thus may be the world's only parents of a married adult child not bugging him constantly to give them some grandchildren. Maybe it's because they've heard Jamie say things like "I want to be a perfect mom. To me, that's what life is all about" and very little about wanting to co-parent with Doug. Maybe it's because they've heard her talk about her problems with her own, non-perfect mother and would rather Jamie go into therapy to work some of that out than just give herself a do-over with her own living American Girl Doll.

Are Jason and Cortney a married couple or a series of country songs?

• I Didn't Meet His Mama 'Til The Night Before She Died
• How Can You Fight Fires When Our Lovelight's Burning Out?
• Tasting Wine, Wasting Wine
• When Will Daddy Bless Our Home?
• Let's See How Long I Can Keep The Secret That I Lost My Job, Our Household's Only Source Of Income

Seriously, though, when is Doug's mom going to start a blog?

Guys, this is the face she makes when Jamie tells her she thinks having babies right now will bring her and Doug closer together.

She has thoughts she's not voicing on camera and I need to know what they are.