How Well Did This Spinoff Convince You That The Married At First Sight 'Experts' Were Right?

Does Cortney have any single clue about how to get her plan to "do makeup" off the ground outside New York City?

As we pick up where we left off last time, Cortney is explaining why this Vegas vow renewal isn't among her top priorities right now: because she wants to start making plans to leave New York. Aaaaaand this is what you think is the right time to be telling your husband that you might want to press pause on your marriage? "I don't know what to tell you other than, I need to go back to North Carolina," she says, I assume because she has no job and if she can't count on Jason to support her financially, she'll have to get her disapproving dad to keep her in Nyx instead. But speaking of Nyx, didn't Cortney announce her intention not to find another job after getting not-fired from her office manager position because she wanted to start her own business "do[ing] makeup"? If that's still the plan (it's not), does she get that the place to do it is not in North Carolina, but in New York, the fashion capital of the country? Sorry, lady, I don't care whether you're not that into New York right now for whatever superficial reasons you've been whining about on Facebook: if you're serious about starting your own business (you're not), that's where you live. And let's be real: she probably wants to move because she doesn't feel like cleaning up the apartment.

What producer intervention got cut to turn Cortney around on a vow renewal?

At the start of the conversation with Jason, Cortney is dead set against the vow renewal plan. By the end, she's all about it, and the next time we see her, she's telling all her female friends they have to go buy a wedding dress. I DEMAND THE UNCUT FILM OF HER TURNAROUND. I know I won't get it. I'm demanding it anyway.

Where the hell did Jamie's TV hosting ambitions come from all of a sudden?

Okay, haha, I know, this is Jamie's third reality show that we know of, so obviously she's BEEN having TV ambitions. But she's a labour and delivery nurse; all of a sudden she thinks she can be the next Cat Greenleaf? ...Okay, actually, that's probably just about Jamie's level. And I guess if she's already got heat on her from her second series on a fifth-tier cable network, and if Jason and Cortney parlayed their participation on the show into a debaucherous Vegas vacation for themselves and all their closest friends, then Jamie might as well use her angles to make some TV producer or other introduce her to someone who's trying to start up a YouTube channel -- I mean, she's not going to be "twenty-eight" forever! Just kidding, she's going to be "twenty-eight" for at least three more years. (By the way, this is the first Google result for Star Shop, and needless to say, Jamie has nothing to do with it -- although I guess it's possible that even her first audition was just a ruse for Doug to set up his ambush proposal scheme?) Also, does Jamie ever do anything by half-measures? "I want it to be a fun job, and I want it to be everything I ever wanted." Cool, as long as there's no pressure on this opportunity that may and almost certainly will not amount to anything. "If Doug doesn't want babies, I might as well pursue my career." GOT IT.

Can we all agree Matt needs to shut up about what "every girl" wants?

Doug's brother Matt on whether Doug really needs to go to all the usual proposal hassle if he's really just asking Jamie to renew their vows? "That's every girl's dream, regardless of where she comes from, what her background is. They want that." Shut up, Matt.

This dude Deunta's come to visit Monet from another STATE and she hasn't so much as kissed him yet?

I'm the last person to say anyone owes anyone anything sexual regardless of how many miles he's travelled BUT I am very dubious of Monet's claim that she hasn't kissed Deunta yet. Wait: I just remembered I don't actually care.

How well did this spinoff convince you that the "experts" were right?

After eight episodes (not counting the clip show), I still feel like most of what we were seeing was four people trying to convince themselves that their decision to marry strangers wasn't a gigantic mistake on all their parts. The lovey-dovey business all seemed staged or at least producer-goosed; only the fights seemed real because they pretty much all shared a common root cause: THESE PEOPLE DO NOT KNOW EACH OTHER. Jamie never got the chance to let Doug back away from her by being extremely clear about her timetable for motherhood. Cortney never got the chance to push Jason into reconnecting with his relatives because she needs an extended family in New York to feel safe and loved. While I definitely believe that the excitement and thrill of getting married in such an unusual way has become an important part of each of the stories these people tell about themselves, that still doesn't mean they have foundations on which to build real, lasting relationships, because they're still stepping on each other's toes all the time due to how little they know each other.

But like...you're still going to watch the second season of Married At First Sight, right?

Because I am!