Married At First Sight: The First Year Forces Us To Ask: Who Are These Broads Who Go To Firefighter Calendar Launch Parties?!

Is presentation everything, Jason?

Because if so, this bouquet is nothing.

You either get a bigger arrangement or a smaller vase. Come on, man.

Is Cortney aware of what this looks like?

I mean...?

Honey. You come from burlesque. Think what you're doing with your wide-open mouth before you do it in front of cameras.

Does Jamie really not get that she and Doug have bigger problems than not really having sex much?

In the same interview (or so the editing would have us believe), Jamie talks about her and Doug settling into "normal, real life." What does that look like for her? "We're not really interested in each other's company when we are together." That's "normal, real life" for a pair of people whom chance has placed in the same cubicle area at the office, not people who are married to each other. And, for what it's worth, Doug seems to corroborate her version of events: "I would love for me to know that you're attracted to me," he tells her to her face. "You've never even asked or paid attention to what I want or what I need," he also tells her -- and if she has a good answer for why she's so singularly self-interested and yet unable to make the leap to wondering whether that might play into her and Doug's marital issues, we don't get to find out what it is. Also, if Jamie can recognize that she doesn't like just hanging out with Doug day to day, why is she talking about buying a house with him?! Maybe work on figuring out whether you like each other before you decide to bring any more community property into the marriage to divide up later, fucking duh.

How hard is Fire Academy?

"Fire Department Academy is one of the most hardest things I've ever had to go through my entire life." - Jason.

...'Kay.

Who are these broads who go to a firefighter calendar launch party?

Yeah yeah, it's also a charity fundraiser. And I guess I should commend whoever had the idea of adding a charitable element and turning these ladies' extremely vanilla sexual fantasies into a boon for the community.

But OMG, if you know anyone who tells you she's going to an event like this, presumably so she can tell one of the Sharpie-wielding firefighters that he can sign "anywhere," either take her to an actual strip club or to Toys In Babeland, because she's bumming us all out.

Are Jamie's patients ever alarmed by how much makeup she wears?

Maybe she's got her lewk cranked up to Jesus because of the cameras?

I really hope that's the case. Because if I'm about to poop on the table in the middle of labour and those false eyelashes come at me, I'ma rip 'em off.

Does Neph think Jasmine's getting ready to move in with him and bringing one of each garment with her?

Is she tiresome and stereotypical in her talk of how much closet space she needs? Yes. Of course she is. But when she mentions needing room to hang her dresses and put her shoes away, Neph -- all but comically pulling at his collar in anxiety -- notes, "There's a lot of pluralization going on here." Yeah, she...has more than one of each thing, bro. Do you not get how wardrobes work? Because I'm pretty sure I saw a very full drawer of socks and the explanation that "every sock matches a hat." (Neph goes on to TH that he's been a serial dater and has, in the past, been guilty of "ignoring red flags," but I would like to tell Jasmine that "matching socks to hat" is a red flag she should not overlook.)

Does Neph know anything about Jasmine, by the way?

Last week, Neph informed us that Jasmine loves romcoms. This week, he told us what he likes about her: "Her hair, her eyes. She's got a great smile." I'm not sure that's a solid foundation to build a relationship on, but then, I'm not the one who's getting ready to install her amid his mother and brothers.

Why is Doug letting his parents make his car payments?

Look, the fact that this comes up in the middle of the conversation about the house he and Jamie should absolutely not be talking about buying is beside the point. Here's the situation: Doug's car payment still goes to his parents' house, because (I assume) he was living there when he bought it. And rather than inform his creditor that he has a new address, he just lets his parents pay the bills when they come, and he pays them back. He openly tells Jamie this is because his parents are more responsible than he is. And while I hate to agree with Jamie, when her response to this is to remind him that he's thirty-two years old, she's not wrong. Adults pay their own bills. If Doug's just decided to give up on taking care of his own finances -- which apparently he has, based on the TH in which he complains about Jamie not understanding that this is a quirk of his personality (I'm paraphrasing, but that's the gist) -- then if Jamie is willing to take things over and deal with the household money, he should just let her; continuing to let his parents do it because he doesn't trust himself to pay a goddamn bill when it comes in is embarrassing. If nothing else, Doug should want to handle his business just to rob Jamie of one more cudgel she can use on him.

Does Doug love Jamie?

"You love her." - Doug's dad. I am not so sure.

"I always kind of wondered, how do people get married and then get a divorce in, like, a year or two, like, how does that even happen?"

Well, Jamie, most people don't set themselves up for that kind of failure by marrying partners they've never met and that strangers have picked out for them. So that's part of it. But I think another thing that can lead to a divorce is being so rigid that it's impossible for anyone to be your partner. The offensive sandwich is just the latest battleground on which Jamie attacks Doug because she loves lording shit over him. I agree with her that he is careless and could, clearly, do better at cleaning up after himself as he goes. But he tells her when she comes in and sees the detritus to leave it, and that he'll clean it up when he's finished eating, and she ignores him and starts doing it herself, while lecturing him. As a tidy person who lives with a slob (in the tropics, where ants are the least of your potential pest problems), I get Jamie's frustration that shit's not getting cleaned on her schedule. But a reasonable person knows that you can either do it yourself and be resentful, or let your partner do it and...enjoy not doing it yourself. But it's so obvious Jamie's endgame isn't to figure out how to compromise for the sake of having a nice time with Doug for the rest of their lives together; she's already planning to leave and is trying to distract herself from her anger at herself for agreeing to the "experiment" by making Doug feel small while she's still here. "There are certain times when Jamie will just not let it go," Doug says. The rest of the time, I assume, she's asleep.