Should Married At First Sight: The First Year's Jason Be Thinking About Home Ownership When He Doesn't Know How To Make A Pros And Cons List?

On what did Dr. Pepper base the judgment "I didn't think [Doug] had any doubts about his future with Jamie"?

Even after everything Jamie's told her, apparently without guile or guilt, about how mean she is to Doug when she isn't trying her hardest to pretend they're just close roommates, that's Dr. Pepper's reaction after what seems to be her first one-on-one meeting when Jamie wasn't on the other side of the door with her ear pressed up to a glass. So, granted, the story Dr. Pepper's heard so far this season has been from Jamie's perspective, not that it seemed to have biased Dr. Pepper in Jamie's favour, what with her calling Jamie "abusive" two episodes ago and telling her in no uncertain terms to quit unburdening herself to Doug about her feelings for The Ex last week. It already speaks ill of Dr. Pepper's doctoring skills that, given what Jamie's told her, it's taken her until now to talk to Doug alone. Even worse is the evidence that she could hear what Jamie had told her of her relationship with Doug and somehow think he would think he and Jamie are still destined to be together forever. Seriously: how? Do we have to go back to their season of Married At First Sight and all the euphemisms Jamie tried to come up with for "I'm much better-looking than Doug is"? Is it that Dr. Pepper thinks Doug is down to keep eating shit from Jamie indefinitely because he can't do better? Does she think Doug lacks the part of his psyche that causes him to feel injured by shabby treatment from others? Does she think things are okay with Jamie as far as Doug is concerned because he can't hear Jamie when she talks to him? I truly can't think of any other reasons Dr. Pepper could have reached this insane conclusion. For Doug not to doubt his marriage to Jamie, he would have to be dead.

Do Jason and Cortney live in the breakfast bar at a Hampton Inn?

Or did they just rob one?

Should Jason be talking about home ownership when he doesn't know how to make a pros and cons list?

Cortney comes home to see the apartment still in some disarray even after Jason's cleaned it up, so the subject "naturally" turns to whether it's time to move. Jason starts making a pros and cons list, but because he didn't decide before he decided whether it was a list of pros and cons for moving, or pros and cons for staying, the list ends up an incomprehensible mess. Cortney gets up to "help" and makes things worse by turning it into a pie chart, or something? I feel like even the least bit of paperwork involved in buying an apartment is going to be beyond the capacity of these two dingdongs if they can't even handle this.

Also, how are Jason and Cortney talking about home ownership at all?

The conversation about whether it's time to buy a place as opposed to just finding another one to rent is obviously a setup for how Cortney and Jason's storyline ends this week: with her informing him that she's booked them a trip to Charlotte as a first step, she hopes, toward convincing him they should move there. At least, I hope that's why the home shopping discussion "arises," because these two are really not prepared to have it. First of all, as should surprise no one who's been hearing for over a year about Cortney's financial issues and ongoing debt, she doesn't really "get" how real estate works. Here's a typical quote from her on the subject: "How is it, in the long run, if you look at buying, how is that going to be an investment for the future?" Well...then you'd be paying money for something that would be your property? And you could get back your investment -- and, in Brooklyn, probably much more as it very quickly appreciates in value -- whenever you try to sell it? Whereas renting is essentially throwing money down a hole so that you never get it back, but which benefits your landlord enjoys? As a property owner? I feel like we're starting to get a tiny glimpse of how Cortney's debt problems arose if she can be an adult and seriously not understand this.

On the other hand, why isn't Jason saying "We can afford to make a down payment" or Cortney saying "We can't afford a down payment"? Jason suggests that they just get on Zillow and look at what's around, but if this is a real marriage, even if they don't share finances (which I know is something some couples don't do but which seems super-weird to me), shouldn't they have some general idea of what kind of resources they have access to? That said, I do kind of hope this turns into House Hunters, because I have a feeling that if they're looking in Brooklyn, this Probationary Firefighter and Freelance Makeup Artist can probably afford a duplex Porta-Potty (if they can rent out the other half for the income).

Is there literally any occasion for which Jamie won't slap on the false eyelashes?

If you had thought one answer might be "fencing class"...

...think again.

Is Jasmine kidding with this hair?

When someone behind you might mistake it for a furry poncho, you cut that shit.

How two-faced is Cortney?!

Out shopping in Soho with Jasmine, Cortney extracts from her the news that she and Neph are planning to buy a house together and that they're planning to get married. After a moment of silent shock, Cortney rallies and hugs Jasmine, telling her, "I'm happy for you!" Cut to: a TH in which Cortney declares, "I know that Neph has always just wanted a family, and I think they're a good match. But I think he's going way too fast." LOL she knows Jasmine's going to be able to see this later, right?

Cortney and Jason remember that they each married a total stranger on TV, right?

Because comments like the above from her, or "[Neph] has a history of jumping into things" from him, suggest that they don't.

What could ever make Jamie stop asking Doug to get her pregnant?

This week, Doug tries a direct approach: "I am asking you just to put it to the side for a second." Cue the fight! Jamie might not have any interest in sharing physical intimacy with Doug, but not even her sister telling Jamie she's selfish and should consider Doug's feelings -- ever, just for a change -- makes me think Jamie's going to consider giving up on her live-in sperm canister. Jamie IS THE WORRRRRRRRRST.

Seriously, how two-faced is Cortney?

Waiting until the two couples are out for dinner to ambush Jasmine by trying to put Neph on the spot about setting a wedding date and forcing him to say in mixed company that, despite what Jasmine said, they're not thinking about marriage? That's a really mean move to pull on Jasmine when Cortney was trying to act like her friend. I have no doubt Cortney knew exactly what she was doing, and it's shitty. Save that talk for the ride home with your husband, you jerk!