What Do Cortney's Parents Have To Hide?

Who taught Cortney idioms?

"I feel like I'm...not caught between a rock and a hard place, but I'm damned if I do, I'm damned if I don't?" Stop talking, Cortney.

Can we just agree that Thanksgiving is dumb?

I am Canadian, and while we have a holiday called Thanksgiving, it's really not a big deal -- our family didn't even always have a dinner every year -- it's also on America's Columbus Day, a much more convenient day for a big family holiday in that it isn't five minutes before Christmas/Hanukkah/whatever holiday you may celebrate in December. So part of why I have no empathy for Cortney's agitation about Jason's having to miss their first Thanksgiving due to his work schedule is that I've never really bought into Thanksgiving -- and if you want to get on my level, can I just say that having a four-day weekend with no obligations, travel or otherwise, is the best?! -- but also that she's being a child about the realities of Jason's professional situation, particularly given that he has a professional situation, unlike some people. And her answer is to burden their one-income household by (presumably) flying to North Carolina just because she has some dumb romantic idea of what this fakey holiday means? Shut up, Cortney.

Did we have to see Doug sucking Jamie's stomach?

Not appropriate for the 9 PM hour/any hour when it's those two.

"I'm good at being strong"?

Really, Cortney? If you do say so yourself? Let's maybe think about giving the viewer some evidence of that before we start making blanket declarations, particularly when you go on, in the same scene, to say that you're "all in" on whatever emotion you happen to be feeling in any given moment. "Strong" people know how to control their reactions for the sake of living life, even when they're sad because their husband might be leaving the apartment for a few hours. If you're really "all in" on your feelings, no matter what they are, you MIGHT be bipolar?

"I've been dying to do this surf workout" -- O RLY, Monet?

No, dude, that's a fake activity chosen because it'll look dynamic on TV like every single setting on Blind Date, and no one is fooled.

SERIOUSLY, when can we be done with Monet?

From what we've seen, she has no thoughts on dating or love that are at all compelling or insightful, which is made abundantly clear in this episode when Production sends her for coffee with Dr. Cilona to announce that before she gets married "again," "I want love first." GOOD IDEA? Get off my TV.

So...still no therapy for Jamie?

If Jamie's mother has been a fuckup for Jamie's entire life, I feel like Jamie should be used to it by now. This is not to say it isn't shitty of Jamie's mother not to show up for Thanksgiving or even to call to flake on it, apparently, but from what we've seen of Jamie on this show, she shouldn't be so surprised by her mother's literal failure to show up for Jamie when none of us was surprised by it at all. Either Jamie really needs to learn some coping tools and figure out that she needs to be her own mom at this point, or else she's cranking her hurt up to 11 for the sake of the cameras.

Would Vaughn have agreed to come back to this show if he'd understood how much of every episode was devoted to Monet shitting on him?

I feel like...no. And I wish he had known because he didn't bring anything to the table that was scandalous enough to subject us to more of him, particularly given how oversold his summit with Doug was before it actually happened.

What do Cortney's parents have to hide?

I was so excited when they made a big deal about Cortney going home to North Carolina since I assumed it meant that, FINALLY, for the first time in two series we would get to meet her parents and find out what their story is and why they boycotted the wedding...and everything else. But then we just saw Cortney going there and Cortney coming back? At least producers could get Cortney to TELL US why her parents have refused to appear on camera, for Christ's sake!

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT CLIFFHANGER?!

Since the business of Cortney returning to an empty apartment is a cliffhanger (and Jason was not surprised to get her call about said empty apartment), the law of reality TV means there's nothing to it and it's just going to turn out that he moved their shit out to get the floors professionally cleaned. OR IS IT?!?!!!???!!?!