Screen: fyi
'Are We Perhaps Learning That Jamie Is A Touch Dramatic?'
As the Married At First Sight couples expose their new spouses to their old family and friends, Tara Ariano and Brian Rubenstein discuss how sincere everyone's motives are (and whether Jamie REALLY hails from 'Povertyville').
Our Players
Hello, I'm Contributor Brian Rubenstein.
Hello, I'm West Coast Editor Tara Ariano.
The Talk
Before we start, we should give people a little background about how we both got to this point. We have a shared love of garbage TV, like Catfish, and in your case the Bachelor/ette franchise. Was it that connection -- meaning Jamie Otis -- that first brought you to Married At First Sight, or do you think you'd have started watching it with or without her?
I really hate to admit that Jamie Otis brought me to anything -- as if her calling card is enough to get me to places. Like, if I needed a place to stay and there was a "Sheraton, a Jamie Otis hotel," I would automatically go there. Or "Jamie Otis's Maestro's Steakhouse." But yes, in this case, her name on the marquee is how I discovered and became interested in the show. Plus, I'm a big fan of relationship shows in general, so anything where a man and a woman might get together, I'm usually in. Hence, my love for all things Bachelor and every iteration of the Tila Tequila franchise on MTV.
And Dating Naked.
Yes! Of course, Dating Naked. Which is the laziest show in the world, and yet somehow I can’t get enough of it. They literally have no premise or anything, just get people naked and send them on a date. And I love it. Because butts!
What about the shows about couples in trouble -- your Marriage Boot Camps, your Couples Therapys?
I'm not interested, Tara. I want new love! Not that old kind, where it's gone stale and is sad and Courtney Stodden is involved. Plus, those people seem blatantly in it for the paycheck. Now, I'm not naïve -- I know the Dating Naked folks don't exactly have the purest intentions, but they also don't have agents and managers...yet.
We should also state just so people know where we're both coming from that while I have been married since Christ was a child, you are a single gentleman (LLLLLLLADIES).
Ha. That is true, but I don’t think that’s the reason I like that kind of show. When I was in a loooooonnnnnnggggg relationship I was still forever a Bachelor man. BUT, I should add, have you seen Americans In Bed? A documentary on HBO. That was about couples and their issues and it's my favorite thing in the world. So I don't know....
I recorded it but I haven't been able to bring myself to watch it; I think it's on my DVR list next to Paycheck To Paycheck: The Life And Times Of Katrina Gilbert.
WATCH AMERICANS IN BED! So good. I can't stress that enough.
Okay, I will. But speaking of Paycheck To Paycheck: in this episode, Jamie takes Doug to get an up-close look at the terrible childhood we keep hearing about, so let's get into it! First of all: "Aunt Gorgeous"?
She made it out of "Povertyville," so she has to be Aunt Gorgeous. And she's been on the TV set, on multiple television programs, she must be gorgeous. She's probably a rock star to everyone at the trailer park. She made it out! But can I add that I would rather live in Povertyville than Monet's apartment? They should get rid of the death penalty and force condemned men to live at Monet's place. Seriously though, Jamie's sister's place didn't look that bad. Am I wrong? It had a view!
I thought the same thing. Giant lot, nice deck, cute kids. Everyone looked happy. Maybe they live in the nice part of Povertyville (Modest Acres). About Monet's apartment: it's actually a pretty decent size and convenient layout for a New York apartment, but she hasn't really done much with it. Those white walls are so depressing. And it looked like their wedding photo was the first thing she put up on the wall in the living room (TOO HIGH, I MIGHT ADD). Also she needs to lose that pointless crooked table runner in the kitchen.
The kitchen kills me every time. That table! It's awful. I get that it's okay for New York, but the whole vibe of it is so depressing. So yes, Jamie's sister is living at the Four Seasons compared to Monet. (A lot of hotel shout-outs by me.) Are we perhaps learning that Jamie is a touch dramatic? It didn't look like 8 Mile, is all I'm saying. And having a sister and nephews isn’t having no family.
I thought that too! The longer this show's gone on, the more we've heard her say that her siblings are her only family (and I feel like her saying this week that she has never known who her father is was new information). Now I think she just keeps mentioning her bad parental situation to excuse how weird and awkward she is with Doug's parents, by which I mean Doug's mom. When they finally had Doug's parents over for dinner this week and his mom was like, "What I've seen from you -- which, granted, hasn't been much -- you seem very sincere," all Jamie heard was the part where she said she thought Jamie was great and not the passive-aggressive dig about not seeing enough of her. Skipping that fucking softball game is going to be the end of Jamie.
Yeah, apparently that’s a dealbreaker for the Hehners. His family has some issues. I feel like Doug needs to live in a different city, away from them. I mean, if his mom hasn’t yet advised him to shave his head, then she’s part of the problem. But all this adds up to "these crazy kids are perfect for each other!"
Yes, PLEASE make your case for why you think they're really going to make it! Because as I've written, I don't think Jamie's had any kind of change of heart: I think she had a moment at the wedding when her reality show experience overrode her actual feelings and she realized she'd better start acting nicer or she was going to look REALLY bad on the show.
You are giving her WAY too much credit. She’s guileless! She's without guile! Do you Bachelor fans out there remember her trying to have her first kiss with Ben? Anyone who saw that saw a woman with no perception of the reality of reality TV. Or how about her thinking that Chris B on Bachelor Pad was the one? She doesn't learn things! She's barely functional. Also, she's forty years old. This is her third trip to the plate. Sure, Doug isn't a Graham Bunn or a Brad, but he’s a nice guy with some height; that's the best she can hope for right now. Plus, she's already married: why not leave the ring on and hope for the best?
But don't you think she's ALSO trying to build her escape hatch right now? She's worried about Doug's debt! She hates that he was living at home! She's missing Easter! I feel like she's trying to make sure Doug's family members don't get too used to seeing her around. Also she's still not sleeping with Doug (and giving him blue balls, to hear him tell it).
Yeah, that is a concern. But can't we both be right here? I think the things you are saying are definitely true: she's leaving herself a way out, she's avoiding sexual intimacy, but I guarantee you that she would do that in any "real" relationship too. Girl got issues! She'd have a hard time giving herself to anyone in a real way, and that goes along with her repeated to attempts to find love via TV.
Let me ask you this as a single person: could you ever love a woman who was that committed to false eyelashes? Jesus, Jamie, you don't have to put them on for LUNCH in NEW JERSEY.
NO. They drive me insane. Nothing screams "I was raised in a trailer park and four dudes have taken paternity tests to see if they're my father" more than those.
If you're right and Doug and Jamie do stay married, I definitely agree with you that Doug needs to start extricating himself from his family. It's nice to be close, but his mom is NEVER going to come around on Jamie. And that's why you never go on The Bachelor, ladies: if it doesn't work out with you and the guy, you're still tainted forever.
I think Dr. Pepper would say she's trying to cover her eyes because they are the window to her soul. (Sorry, had to slip a Dr. Pepper mention in here, because she was really the star of the episode.) I think if the sex is good with Jamie, it will give Doug the strength to tell his mom to butt out. If she's keeping him from banging the hottest girl who has ever allowed him to touch her, there's no mom on Earth that will keep him from that. By the way, that's what I like about these two: there is some acknowledgement that this might be the best they can do and possibly their last hope.
But that's what I don't get: it's not like any of these idiots is so old that they need to worry that their junk is going to dry up and fall off -- particularly Jason and Cortney. I really hope Dr. Levkoff took her aside last week and told her they can't stop using contraception no matter how much Cortney the massively-in-debt burlesque performer wants to have babies right now. Plus they all live in New York: they probably meet more eligible people walking to the subway than were available to them in the matchmakers' pool on this madness.
Blasphemy!!! Jason and Cortney is the truest love there has ever been! How can you not believe in those two? Do you not have a heart?!
I actually thought they were going to be okay until this week. Why hasn't Jason introduced Cortney to his mother yet?!
That is weird, I'll give you that. I think Doug and Jamie legitimately have had trouble meeting people in the real world: Jamie is a train wreck with her guard up and Doug is a goof withe debt and mommy issues. Whereas Jason and Cortney seem like different kind of people. They don't understand how young they are and just want to be settled down right now. And I have no idea what Vaughn and Monet are up to. I sort of feel like they are holding this mom-meet up for later, and it's going to be this huge moment near the end, and it's going to seal their couplehood.
Oooh, that is a good point. I bet you're right.
Jason and Cortney also provided my favorite part of the episode. Jason walks up to the burlesque show. There is a velvet rope and a woman with a clipboard. She says, "Are you here for the burlesque show?" He goes, "Yes." And then, without looking at the clipboard or doing anything else, she undoes the rope, lets him in, and says, "Sit anywhere you want." Hottest ticket in town! And then he wrestles at a high school gym. It's so perfect that they are the exact same level of "performing."
Look, every Pussycat Doll has to start somewhere, and sometimes "somewhere" is the multipurpose room at her niece's day care.
Ha, exactly. But why does she need the clipboard?!
She saw someone hold one on Entourage once.
Very professional! Jason is so pecky. He's all pec. Is that some sort of wrestler training program that gives you that? It's like crossfit, but just for man boobs.
Yeah. "Training program."
What an odd thing to be super-into.
But the experts have said they think their dumb hobbies are a point of commonality for Jason and Cortney and I agree.
That's what I mean -- they do it, and they do it at the exact same level. It's very interesting and funny. And it both involves them showing off their bodies. Everything Jason and Cortney is delightful to me, so I have to note that the other funny thing is when Cortney's giving Jason's mom a death sentence. "No, SHE WILL NOT GET ANY BETTER!" She kept saying it so definitively, I don't know why it made me laugh. It's like, you're a burlesque dancer, are you sure you've read her charts correctly?
Then there's the couple NO ONE thinks is going to work out, including the people in it. Vaughn and Monet: addicted to hate sex, with zero interest in spending time together doing literally anything else.
Yes, here is where it feels like the show is intervening a bit on what is really happening. They keep trying to portray a roller coaster, but really it seems like they hate each other, are counting the days 'til they're done, but they're just enjoying some sex while they wait. This may not be a popular opinion, but I blame Monet (while acknowledging that Vaughn is a super weirdo).
Explain.
It all comes back to that damn apartment! Vaughn moving to her place was a MAJOR concession, and Monet has done nothing to make him feel comfortable there. She has made no concessions, even at her own place! And then the dude just wants to be left alone in quiet sometimes and she proceeds to instigate. Hey, no one loved Destiny Child's "Ms. Independent" more than me, but at some point you have to do things with couplehood in mind. Vaughn has done that, at least a little, and Monet hasn't. She wants her exact same life, only with a guy there to have sex at night and make a bunch of money. And after that happened, Vaughn started sabotaging everything with his threesome talk and other things. But again, I recognize that he is a douche. And he's going to end up with a woman who doesn't work and just cooks and cleans. I'm not sure who Monet ends up with.
Yeah, maybe no one, which would probably be fine? At least she should be looking for someone who doesn't freeze up when he's invited to brunch with two strangers, which is not that big a deal to a normal person. Vaughn doesn't need a wife, he needs a therapist to deal with his social anxiety. And a cook. And a prostitute. Maybe just a geisha will solve all his problems! Anyway: I still think Jamie's going to be back in her apartment with Lady before too much longer -- I mean, she must meet rich doctors who outshine Doug EVERY DAY -- but I look forward to seeing whether you're right that she'll figure out Doug is good enough.
Oh, Lady. I have a long theory about how dogs are holding single women back, but we probably shouldn’t get into that. Here are my predictions: Vaughn and Monet are obviously toast. Jason and Cortney forever! And...in my boldest pronouncement yet, Doug and Jamie realize that they need each other and divorce is too much of a hassle and can they really do better? And they already have an apartment anyway so why the heck not? They end up married for ten years until Doug dies in a freak hair transplant accident. And if the hair transplant doesn’t get him, the face moles will.