Battle Of The Bad Matches

Who made the worse first impression?

Vaughn came across well in the first couple of episodes of the season: attractive, professionally accomplished, sincerely sharing the story of losing his father when he was younger and how important it is to his mother to see him settled with a nice lady now. Monet, chosen to be his wife, didn't have a problem with what she saw at the altar when she started coming down the aisle, and honestly, who would, he looked great in that tuxedo. He even had charming banter with Monet once they actually got the chance to address each other, as she joked about how disappointed he was about to be if he was a breast man and both of them celebrating that he was a lot more interested in her butt. These are important matters for any couple to settle early!

And then there's Jamie. Virtually all of my writing on this show to date has focused on Jamie because her revulsion toward Doug, the husband foisted upon her by the show's "experts," was the only prickly (and thus interesting) aspect of the show in the early going. In case you missed it: Jamie clapped eyes on Doug and instantly started weeping, and spent the next several days telling anyone who would listen that she wasn't attracted to Doug (and though she didn't say so in so many words to Doug...based on the fact that it took her until the last night of their honeymoon to give him so much as a chaste peck on the lips, he knew). Not to say that physical attraction isn't important or that I didn't feel for Jamie, but it didn't make her look great.

Winner: Jamie.

Who, based on what we've seen, has worse reasons for hating his/her spouse?

See above: Jamie was initially repelled by the looks of "Doug," the "monster" she found waiting for her at their wedding. Finding out as they got to know each other that Doug has also amassed significant personal debt (a hot-button issue for her given that she's pulled herself out of childhood poverty and a generally bad start in life) and lived with his parents until their honeymoon didn't help, but those come across on the show as intellectual reasons that support her initial visceral reaction.

Vaughn, on the other hand, seems like a fairly reticent person who's been paired with the kind of woman who never met a silence she couldn't fill with idle chatter. That's not a bad thing in and of itself (see: most of our moms), but the temperamental mismatch means she advances the more he recedes. When Vaughn told Monet on their honeymoon that he didn't feel she was paying enough attention to him -- or, at least, that's how she seems to have interpreted it -- her response evidently was to come up with conversational topics and then assault him with all of them at once. And look, I am definitely not saying she should change her personality to complement his better, particularly since I don't think they should stay married and I'm pretty sure neither of them does either. BUT, after this, she should think about finding a dude who likes spending time with someone who will read him blog posts (a) really loud and (b) in a tone that suggests she's lecturing a freshman survey course or running a board meeting. My point: no one in this marriage is wrong. The more Monet tries to appeal to Vaughn, the less he likes it, and I really think it's just that their personalities are essentially incompatible, which is not a problem that can be solved. Therefore?

Winner: Tie.

Who's got the weaker excuse for blowing off his/her spouse's invitation to a social event?

According to Doug, Jamie doesn't attend his softball game in New Jersey because she couldn't switch shifts; it's possible that he would cover for her with his family by saying that even if it wasn't true and she just didn't feel like it, but given what she'd said earlier in the episode about knowing his mom is leery of her, I do think she would have tried to make it if she could, if only to save face.

Meanwhile, when Monet makes it clear that she would like Vaughn to join her for Sunday brunch with her friends, he acts like she's told him he has to go away for a week to a bed and breakfast with ten strangers as opposed to eating some waffles for an hour (and, okay, since it's New York, standing in line outside the restaurant making small talk for an hour before that, but still), and basically says he doesn't want to because he'd rather spend his Sundays at home, not talking. I get it, but still, ten days in is pretty quick not to be willing to compromise on something that's going to take a couple of hours of his life.

Winner: Vaughn.

Who, based on what we've seen, lied more on his/her questionnaire about what was most important to him/her in a partner?

Jamie has talked a lot in the past couple of episodes about how important it is to her, given her rough upbringing, to marry into a big, happy, warm, welcoming family, and from what we've seen of the Hehners, this is definitely something Doug can give her (if Jamie can convince them -- particularly Doug's mom -- that she has Doug's best interests at heart and make it easier for them to like her). In light of how things went starting at the wedding, she may have rated this quality much higher than, say, physical attraction, but I don't doubt her sincerity about wanting to join a close family.

Based on his having been matched with Monet, I have to assume that Vaughn said that the qualities he wanted in a wife included independence, professional success, and a cute ass, when in FACT, if the latest episode is anything to go by, he wants a carnal adventurer (really? checking her willingness to participate in a threeway in the middle of some strip-mall Italian joint in south Jersey?) who will set aside weekends for sex marathons and then cook him dinner.

Winner: Vaughn.

Which is more actively trying to repel his/her spouse?

Before the latest episode, this one would have gone to Jamie, easily. I mean, SHE CALLED DOUG A "MONSTER" IN FRONT OF HIS PARENTS. But after "Everyday Life," I have to give Vaughn credit for the calculated manipulation he is at least trying to pull off. He knows enough to be careful of his image as it will be represented on basic cable, so he has to make some effort to seem like he's still playing along with the social experiment. Sure, he's going to stay in a hotel away from his wife for a night...but he's going to have her out to his old place for the weekend! Sure, he's going to suggest a ménage à trois, but he's going to move his bed out of his apartment into hers! He also accuses her of being insufficiently open to him and not trusting him, as though she should trust a guy who offers to bring a third party into their twelve-day-old sex life.

Winner: Vaughn.

Verdict

I am as surprised as you that this is how the season has turned, guys. I am still not 100% convinced of Jamie's sincerity in general, and by no means do I think she and Doug are Meant To Be. But if she is using her reality-show experience from The Bachelor and Bachelor Pad to massage a better edit for herself, the producers left that possibility open by casting a veteran of the genre, and that's her right. But Vaughn is worse, because he thinks he's being clever when in fact he's being extremely transparent, and also gross. Fuck this guy. I mean, not you, Monet: you should STOP fucking this guy.

Winner: Vaughn.