Sam And Barbie Venture WAY Under The Dome

Scrambled Eggs

After newly minted Dome Sheriff bids her adieu and heads off to try to find good old Lyle, Julia sees Melanie moping in a booth. Hey, what's wrong, funny face? Oh, you know, that whole thing where I've come back from the dead to be trapped under a dome with all you fucking dopes. Melanie's MAINLY upset with herself for macking on Joe, but says she only did it so she could "feel normal for a minute." "Melanie, you are normal," Julia tells this actual zombie. When the subject of the Dome Egg comes up, Melanie whines that no one knows where it is, and Julia's like, um, actually, I do, because I dropped it in the lake about ten seconds before you came back. Why? "Because the Dome wanted me to" is something a supposedly sane character we are presumably supposed to be rooting for says. Julia also thinks the Dome brought Melanie back "for a reason." "What reason?" Melanie asks. The Dome hasn't revealed that to Julia yet, unfortch. And that's the end of this totally commonplace, reasonable conversation. Just normal stuff we've all discussed in diners.

"Psych!" - Big Jim

Remember how Julia decided to issue an unconditional pardon on Big Jim and Rebecca for their whole attempted population correction via mass murder? And Big Jim healed the rift between the Julians and the Big Jimmites by shaking her hand in the middle of the diner and thus in front of the entire Dome's worth of extras? Well, Big Jim's had one of his trademark changes of heart/never actually meant it, and five minutes later he's back to doomsaying her leadership as mayor or Monarch or kaiser or whatever the fuck. Julia doesn't care, because she has right on her side, meaning she's going to let the people decide: she wants to hold an election for the office of Domeperor, I guess because now that the food problem's been solved forever/for the next two months, everyone's got tons of leisure time to fuck around with something as inconsequential as who's in charge of the nothing that's happening. "Is there a brain under that hair?" sneers Big Jim (which is sexist, but also...a fair question). "These people don't need to talk about their feelings, they need to be led." Julia's like, hey, not cool, I saved half the town from tearing you and Rebecca to actual pieces, and Big Jim's like, the other half would have stopped them, but nice try. These two! Just hate-fuck and get it over with!

RIP All Contact Lenses In Chester's Mill

Alert Type: Unpredictable Weather Alert.

Issue: Like these idiots don't have enough problems, now a raging dust storm has kicked up. "The acidity and the red rain must have fried the topsoil," says Rebecca. Sure.

Complicating Factors: If they don't stop it, they'll all suffocate. "Hey, how does air get into the Dome anyway? How does the Dome have any kind of weather at all?" Shut up, that's how!

Resolution: Rebecca has all kinds of science ideas that she had the kids working on, and all it takes is for Big Jim to hear the words "windmill" and "mist" for him to (a) convince the townsfolk to line up behind him (it helps that Julia is dealing with her own issues for almost the whole episode, of which more anon), and (b) get them to build a windmill in five minutes, which (c) works perfectly and stops the dust storm instantly.

Spoiler: Pretty sure this isn't the end of Big Jim's pursuit of power, as though bossing around all these goddamn morons even means anything.

A Crushing Blow

Remember the locker portal? Turns out it leads to a system of manmade and then natural tunnels, which Junior is exploring because he's pretty sure that's where Lyle the Angie-murderer went, and Sam has followed so that he can totally kill Junior as part of his whole "murdering the Four Hands" plan which I have to assume all of us are totally on board with. Sam, making totally normal conversation, warns Junior -- who has his own murder target (Lyle) -- that killing someone is "no small thing," and instead of asking how Sam would know, Junior brags that he already killed the last person who put hands on Angie. I mean, the last one before Junior himself, of course! Anyway, that's when they see that Barbie's caught up with them, and after everyone gets all puffed up and Barbie says he's going to hang back and make sure no one ELSE tries to follow Junior and Sam (guys, I don't think that's really what Barbie's doing), Junior notices Pauline's journal, and as he's stepping forward to get it, Barbie notices the trip wire, which Junior trips, setting off an explosion that caves in the passage. Junior ends up on the side closer to the locker entrance, with Sam and Barbie trapped on the other side (Sam having shoved Barbie out of the way). Since all these goons could get crushed by rocks as far as I'm concerned, this situation is not quite as fraught with peril as the show's producers apparently think it is.

Well, They're Not Called The Four Brains

Alert Type: Four Hands Alert.

Issue: Having crawled back to the locker and told Julia, Rebecca, and Melanie who is there for no reason about (a) the cave-in, and (b) his Sam-fueled suspicions that Lyle is trying to kill off all four of the Four Hands, Julia -- who's going to be spending the rest of the episode trying to get Barbie and I guess Sam out of the tunnel -- sends him and Melanie to round up the remaining two of the four hands...I guess because then Lyle won't have to burn gas shuttling between them to kill them all?

Complicating Factors: Well, first Melanie gets all weird with Junior, petting his face and marveling at how much he looks like Sam did as a kid, and Norrie catches them. ("Do you hit on literally everyone?" - Norrie with the pretty good burn!) So Norrie and Joe are already in a fight, plus when they find Joe at Angie's old apartment, he's mad at the world because all Angie ever wanted was to get out of Chester's Mill, and now she has (through death) so maybe she's the lucky one (and maybe Joe's a little suicidal? and who can blame him?). When it's suggested that maybe Melanie came back to be the new Fourth Hand (though she came back before Angie was killed, so I'm not sure I agree 100% with their police work there), Joe only gets madder that Angie could be erased from Dome/egg herstory so easily

Resolution: Though Junior just wants to park it at Angie's, hiding out from Lyle, the other three convince him that Angie would have wanted answers, so they all take a boat out to the middle of the lake and stack hands over the water and the egg looks up at them...

...and then I guess it jumps out of the lake like a salmon but we don't know because the next thing we see is Melanie holding it at Angie's...

...and then right after Joe and Norrie reconcile (in the absence of other prospects, I guess), the New Four Hands™ put their fingers on the egg and pink stars fall...

...and everyone's happy because I guess the pink stars are like airborne Ecstasy that makes them all forget they're still UNDER A FUCKING DOME WITH NO CHANCE AT BEING SAVED??? They also see a representation of The Obelisk, which Melanie says is from "my hometown," not that she bothers to say WHAT THAT TOWN IS.

Spoiler: WHO CARES.

This Show Is The Pits

Oh God, so Barbie and Sam have been wandering around the cave system for a hundred years, with Barbie peppering Sam with questions about what happened in 1988 and where Sam was when Angie died, and when Sam says he was looking for Melanie, Barbie's like, that's funny, because we just found out what her name was and I haven't seen you all day, and I guess we're supposed to think this is evidence of Barbie's amazing street smarts even though Sam just says Junior told him, like, of course he could have, SHUT UP BARBIE. Anyway, they get to a fork in the tunnels, and Barbie goes left while Sam goes right so they can cover more ground and see what goes where, and then Barbie turns around and totally almost catches Sam when he's JUUUUUUST about to knock him out (or bludgeon him to death) with his flashlight, and that kicks off this whole OTHER THING where Sam keeps saying his fork just spat him out behind Barbie's and he thought Barbie was Lyle, and Barbie never stops suspecting that Sam never really went down his fork of the tunnel and crept up behind Barbie and intending him to do him harm, and then all of a sudden they're at the mouth of this absolutely enormous chasm. They find some shit next to it that they assume is Lyle's on no evidence (other than the journal they found like a mile ago): does that mean Lyle jumped or fell or rappelled into this cavern? Also, they've walked half a mile: how have they not hit the Dome wall yet? Does the Dome actually NOT go down this far? And did Sam double back in his tunnel or what? NONE OF THESE QUESTIONS WILL BE ANSWERED!

Julia vs. Rebecca

Ugh, these two. So Rebecca is trying to figure out what they can do to bust through the caved-in pile of rocks and free Barbie and Sam, and Julia snits, "Oh yes. All science is your area." Julia is opposed to Rebecca's plan on the grounds that Barbie and Sam might be "pinned by debris" and thus would also get blown up by whatever Rebecca rigs up, and Rebecca pisses me off by getting me on her side, pointing out that Junior said he'd yelled to Barbie and Sam and that they'd answered, so that she and Julia could also warn them to get away from the rock pile: "You got a better idea?"

Winner: Rebecca, because Julia not only doesn't have a better idea but doesn't have any ideas at all.

Sam and Barbie, tired out from fighting, bro out next to the mouth of the chasm (which by now they've determined by chucking stuff into it and not hearing it land is probably bottomless)! Sam -- who's sold Barbie his story about Lyle having delivered the fatal shove that accidentally killed Melanie way back when -- says he sometimes still sees her face with the blood starting to pour out! Barbie's like, I'm with that! Sam goes, "Oh yeah? Who'd YOU kill?" Barbie proves he is for sure the world's worst sheriff by not picking up on Sam's inadvertent admission, and just says, "Lots of people!" He sees their faces and wonders if they'll be waiting for him on the other side! "The other day I found her waiting for me on this side!" says Sam, AGAIN TOTALLY ACCIDENTALLY ADMITTING THAT HE KILLED MELANIE TO A COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS BARBIE. Barbie says that whatever happened between Sam and Melanie twenty-five years ago is between them (it is? since when?)...

...but that's when he sees ANGIE'S CLAW MARKS ON SAM'S CHEST! Barbie accuses Sam of having killed Angie! Sam kind of half-assedly tries to pin it on Lyle some more, but Barbie's not having it, and Sam cracks and says he did! But it's only because of Pauline's journal! He's interpreted it to mean that if he kills all four of the Four Hands, the Dome will come down! He's not thrilled about having to kill his own nephew, but he'll do it! And then he'll kill himself! Or Barbie can kill Sam, and Sam promises that his murder won't haunt Barbie at all! But Barbie draws and says he's going to arrest Sam...but also that he's going to tell Junior that Sam killed Angie and let Junior do with Sam what he will?! NICE MAINTENANCE OF ORDER, SHERIFF!

Rebecca can tell Julia's losing the nerve to blow the charges they've set, particularly since they haven't heard anything from the people on the other side, but Julia says she trusts Rebecca and they light the fuse and run!

Barbie and Sam hear the explosion! Sam hands Barbie the journal and tells him the whole basis for his murder and attempted-murder spree is in there! "You'll see! It's all pain!" (IT SURE IS!) Barbie repeats that Sam has to face Junior, but Sam's not with that, and instead, he steps back into the abyss and winks out of existence, apparently!

Rebecca and Julia run into the tunnel, with Julia heading through the caved-in cave-in to search for Barbie!

At the diner, that old bag hoarder/survivalist Andrea -- who previously had voted for Big Jim to shut up and leave everyone alone -- congratulates him on his windmill triumph! She wonders aloud where the fuck Julia's been during all this! Big Jim says she's been dicking around at the school waiting for Barbie to figure his shit out! "I guess sometimes love wins out over doing your job"! NICE SHADE, BIG JIM! But also what's going to happen to Andrea's food stockpile if/when she stops trusting Julia to manage it?!

Julia finds Barbie! They hug! Where's Sam? "Gone!" He takes Julia to the edge of the chasm! ONCE THE CHESTER'S MILLIONS KNOW IT'S THERE, HOW MANY ARE JUST GOING TO END THEIR PAIN BY LEAPING INTO IT, AND PS, THEY CAN FORM AN ORDERLY LINE BEHIND ME!!!!!