Did Vaughn Get Married At First Sight To Lock In A Live-In Cook?

Okay, but are these "real, legal marriages"?

The whole way through, the narrator and the various "experts" have hammered on the premise that the couples are married for real and therefore will naturally be more committed to stay together than if they'd just been thrown together on Bachelor Pad or something. But I feel like this is the first week we've heard someone use the word "legal" to describe these unions, and I just can't imagine that's true for myriad logistical reasons. Granted, from what we've seen, none of these idiots has come into the show with significant visible assets, but there's nothing to say that, for instance, Monet or Vaughn didn't get life insurance settlements when their fathers passed away; would all the singles have to sign pre-nups? If so and any of them had the sense to take the paperwork to their own lawyer to review, would a lawyer recommend their signing when they literally knew ZERO about the other party? (Yes, yes, I know: if they had any sense they wouldn't have done the show, but let's pretend.) Even if you stipulate that the show's production company would pay all the legal costs related to dissolving the marriage, what if one or the other spouse wants to file for at-fault divorce? Could that be prohibited in the pre-nup? If so, would physical abuse void that point? And doesn't a divorce take kind of a while? What if Jamie meets her real dream guy three days after ditching Doug, as it seems inevitable she will? Does she have to wait until all the papers are finalized before she marries him -- just because she went on a fakey reality show? Look, I'm not a lawyer -- and if you are, I implore you to comment in the forum thread on this episode and explain how plausible it is that these would be "real, legal marriages." I just think it's far more likely that all the participants signed something stating that they would agree to act as if they were, but that they'd be able to walk away from each other at the end of it without any further entanglements. I mean, honestly.

Have Jamie and Doug Done Sex yet?

I feel like no, but we have no way of knowing for sure! I wish they'd talk about it!!!

I thought we'd all enjoy that one, but seriously: did Doug use one of his THes to complain about Jamie giving him blue balls?

That's a rhetorical question. Doug? "When you're close to somebody and you're cuddling, the frustration is that, you know, you get worked up? And then you don't have that release? You know, the next morning it can hurt a little bit?" Hope you enjoyed that moment, Doug's Overly Involved Mom.

Why are any of these goons talking about having kids with their current spouses?

Vaughn and Monet, having a very quiet fight over dinner, both say that one of the reasons they agreed to do the show was that they were ready to have kids; however, neither of them takes the next step of saying that they want to have kids with the other, so at least they recognize that they basically hate each other. Jason and Cortney don't hate each other and maybe they should have kids together someday if this fake marriage lasts past the five-week mark. MAYBE. But when Cortney has her individual session with Dr. Levkoff, she says that one of the things she wishes she could talk to Jason about is "birth control, because that plays into a couple of different things." Later, she uses a TH to say, "I want to be a mother," so I assume what she means by bringing up birth control with Dr. Levkoff is that she wants to throw away the Pill and Jason's not trying to bring another person into their fake marriage when Cortney's already brought in thousands of dollars' worth of debt. CORTNEY, YOU ARE A CHILD YOURSELF, and furthermore YOU HAVE NOT EVEN KNOWN THIS GUY A MONTH. DO NOT TRY TO MAKE HIM MAKE YOU PREGNANT RIGHT NOW.

Do the Hehners get that Doug's softball dick-around was not Game 7 of the World Series?

It's also not a family birthday party or Doug's grandpa's funeral or...uh, Easter, which Jamie is also about to miss, and that's not really okay. But seriously: it was a stupid softball game IN NEW JERSEY. Jamie had to work. Fucking chill out, Doug's Overly Involved Mom.

Does Jamie get that the tale of her emotional breakdown at the wedding does not make her look cute?

Of course Doug's sister had to say something about Jamie's ridiculousness after Jamie brought up not being able to see through her tears. But Jamie needs to stop bringing it up, even just to show how far she's come since then in terms of not wanting to puke at the sight of Doug. Everyone in his family is definitely still talking about her terrible display without her opening the door for further discussion and thus not letting them get over it (not that they probably ever will, but still).

Does Monet get that the tale of her peeing between two cars does not make her look cute?

Oh my god, Monet, you're in New York. Either find a Starbucks or hold it until you can get home like a civilized adult.

Did Vaughn get married to lock in a live-in cook?

Here's a charming direct quote from Vaughn in this week's episode: "I've been swallowing all these different things -- moving up here, a girl who doesn't cook, a girl with a really annoying dog...." So what did Vaughn say on his questionnaire to conceal the fact that he's a caveman? Because nothing we've seen from Monet makes it seem like she would have represented herself as someone who's very domestic. I guess she's said a few things about wanting Vaughn/someone to "take care of" her, which might mean financially, and thus she might have expressed that she wanted a very traditional marriage? But who in 2014 makes "doesn't cook" a dealbreaker -- PARTICULARLY SOMEONE IN 2014 WHO LIVES IN MANHATTAN? Hey, Vaughn, I have an idea -- order LITERALLY ANY KIND OF FOOD YOU WANT and let A STRANGER BRING IT DIRECTLY TO YOUR HOME. Then shove it up your ass and quit whining that the girl you think is annoying isn't paying you enough attention.