Is Jamie Actually Cruel To Be Kind?

We're not really still talking about that cigarette, are we?

As my esteemed colleague Stephanie wrote last week, Doug's error presented Jamie with a perfect cover for her to dump him (as she was, we can probably all agree, always going to do regardless) -- it's so perfect, in fact, that it's still a major topic of conversation. It's amazing that even with her hardscrabble childhood in Povertyville, Jamie was able to learn passive-aggression expertly enough to fit in at any high-WASP Thanksgiving, because guess what? Bringing up/joking about the thing you're "not going to talk about" still actually counts as talking about it. In fact, Jamie's determination not to drop it makes me wonder if she planted the cigarettes on Doug to entrap him.

Seriously with this outfit, Greg?

We get it, you're a non-sectarian "spiritual advisor," which means you don't have to wear a clerical collar or whatever.

But let's call the leather blazer and motorcycle boots kiiiiind of try-hard.

What does "romance" have to do with Monet and Vaughn's actual problems?

I mean, I know the answer is "nothing, but the theme this week was 'Romance' and they had to tie it in." I also know it's probable that there was a lot more about Vaughn's domestic expectations of Monet in their talk with Greg, but that it got cut for the broadcast either due to time considerations or it not fitting the narrative or that Greg was zero help. But what did sneak into the episode was Monet's regret over saying she wanted a "traditional" man, not knowing what that might actually mean for one who was even more determined to marry a "traditional" woman. Even though it's only the editing that makes it seem like Greg's suggesting that a romantic gesture will smooth all that over...it's still bullshit.

Is Jamie actually cruel to be kind?

It's impossible to watch this show without noticing how cagey Jamie is all the time. And not just in her interviews with the camera: even if she's allowing that she is not as disgusted by Doug's appearance as she used to be, she still can't let an opportunity pass without making sure Doug knows not to get attached. In addition to the whole thing where she isn't having sex with him, a couple of weeks back, she was telling her nieces and nephews not to call him "Uncle Doug"; this week, she's deflecting his questions about where she'll be in five years or what he should get her for her birthday and basically doing everything she can to warn him that SHE IS NOT A HORSE HE SHOULD BET ON. And while this might seem like overkill to those of us on the outside, consider how Doug is acting, which is: like her puppy. Doug can't believe his luck in getting access to such a pretty lady, and it's clear that he's only going to let her go under duress. But considering that the terms of her show contract kept her from running out on her actual wedding and never seeing Doug again, like she might have wanted, Jamie might be doing the only decent thing she can to spare Doug's feelings by insisting on how temporary all of this is. When she inevitably ditches his ass, he's still going to be surprised, but that's on him.

Would Vaughn have fewer problems if he just learned more words?

Instead of "civil," try "kind"! Instead of "accommodating," try...actually, there's no way to spin that one, since it actually does convey Vaughn's wish for a wife who will always put him first.

So...who's breaking up?

I think Vaughn and Monet are going to split, because they hate each other. Jamie and Doug will split because she thinks she can do better. But for all Jason's talk of being guarded and hesitant and whatever else, I actually think he likes Cortney and likes being married to her and that they could work out in the long term. AND YOU?!

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