Just A Couple Of Masters-Lovin' Ladies

Where The Elite Meet To Jerk Off On Camera

Five months after we left off with Bill ending the Buell Green experiment, Lester is returning to St. Louis to resume his old job filming various sex acts for the Masters study. If you recall, in the season premiere, Jane and Lester decamped for Los Angeles, because he'd gotten a job as a PA at a studio and she was going to try to be an actress. As for how those pursuits worked out: things definitely didn't work out with Jane; when Virginia tells him she just got a postcard from Jane, he snaps, "I didn't know they had postcards in Bitchtown." (They do; Bitchtown has a very active Chamber of Commerce and one of the country's top-rated tourist boards.) Anyway, through an expository security guard, we get up to speed on the five months that have passed since the end of the last episode: there is now such a thing as the Masters & Johnson clinic (and though the security guard can tell from the look of Lester that he's headed there, forcing Lester to correct him that he's not a patient); it's in an office building in a part of St. Louis the security guard describes as "down on its luck" (as if the Communist Party headquarters on the ground floor didn't tip us); and Bill has acquired way too much space and decorated it waaaaaaaay too fancily. Good luck, Lester! If you can, try to get paid in cash.

'Til Debt Do Us Part

Who called the meeting? Probably Virginia, given Bill's talent for ignoring uncomfortable topics.

What's it about? Exposition for our benefit, mostly: in quick succession, we learn that Bill won't think about publishing the study until they've documented 10,000 sex acts, and that they're only around the halfway point now; she's been keeping the books for the clinic and they are not looking so hot; only twenty-three fertility patients out of the hundreds Bill treated at Maternity are still coming to him; Betty is back to being "Miss DiMello"; and Betty is "the new girl" in the office.

How'd it go? Virginia is dubious about handing over the finances to Betty, even though she used to do it at the brothel, apparently pretty well. (I assume Virginia is just not aware that premium-cable prostitutes are crazy about accounting. SHOUT-OUT TRIXIE!) But there's not much she can say about it, so the meeting goes...neutral.

She's Either Great At Giving "Handrew Jackson"s Or Can't For Professional Reasons

Applicant Supplicant: Dr. William Masters, OB/GYN

Situation: Five months after its inception is not doing so hot, so he's applying for a small business loan.

What Makes It Awkward? First and foremost, there's the fact that Bill gets RULL tense whenever the topic of money comes up, ever. Making matters worse on this particular day: because he's been quite comfortable as a professional his whole life, he basically has no credit rating (as an immigrant, I CAN RELATE), and between that and his lack of a steady income since leaving his last real job, he's not a great risk -- worse even than doctors, who according to this loan officer are "notoriously bad businessmen" in general.

How is order restored? Bill gets to put off thinking about money for a while by securing this loan -- putting up all his personal assets (savings, investment, car, house) to do it. Yay?

Bill vs. Virginia

After Bill vents his spleen about paying $10 to a study participant who came so fast jerking off that Bill hadn't even had a chance to start his stopwatch, and thus is of no scientific value, Virginia suggests expanding the questionnaire in order to weed out sexual outliers and keep all their subjects more or less around the mean: all very professional (other than Bill being shitty about the fastest cock in the midwest behind his back, who's probably had a pretty tough life given...that). Then Virginia decides to try changing the subject and, in a roundabout way, address the ongoing coolness that I guess has persisted through the five months we didn't see: she mentions that she drove by the Chancery Park Plaza the other night and thought about going in for a drink -- does Bill ever get that impulse? "I'm not much of a history buff," he mutters. Virginia jumps straight to telling him he has to stop punishing her for that one night he came by her place and found Shelly there. Bill, smiling tightly, says he's not punishing her. Virginia raises the point that she's allowed to have a personal life: "Why can't I go home to--" "Fill in the blank?" Bill finishes, meanly. She starts to talk about the regret she felt that Bill had to find out about Shelly the way he did, but Bill says Shelly was almost behind the point; the bigger shock was seeing Tessa "wrapped around this stranger's leg -- one of how many strangers who've met your children on their way in and out of your bed." He claims the reason they stopped "participating in the study" after that is that he was grossed out by Virginia the terrible mother and her harem of sex idiots, basically. Virginia can't really answer that except with one dry "so THAT's how it is" chuckle, and Bill puts a button on the conversation by saying, "We're work colleagues, nothing else." Saying it a WHOLE LOT still doesn't make it true, guys.

Winner: Bill, I guess because he gets the last word by being REALLY fucking mean and out of line knowing that Virginia can't do anything about it.

Where The Elite Meet To Have Lunch Instead Of Chinese Takeout

Back to the lobby! Things are changing! Betty is doing a great job as "the new girl," showing Libby (with John) around for what is apparently her very first trip to the clinic. The Communist Party HQ's still there, plus the modeling agency we heard Virginia mention to Holly (which Betty says is a front for booking girls into burlesque shows), but hey, even though Libby saw a dude peeing on the building outside, at least now the ground floor has a diner! And apparently the building also has magical properties because Libby and Betty step into the elevator with one kid...and then there are two!

Evidently Libby's earlier announcement to Bill that having "a family" would mean more than one kid led to his putting some of his goop (or maybe Ethan sent some special delivery from L.A.), because Johnny has a sister! But even though Libby has achieved her goal, Bill hasn't; she asks Betty about the plans for a lab...and they're still just plans. But hey, Betty's halfway through a degree in accounting, so while the move to this building has made some people increasingly miserable and broke...some of them are getting a degree in accounting.

Simon Says...We're Going To Be Homeless Soon

The reason Libby and her now TWO children have popped in on Daddy is that Simon from the bank stopped by and the two of them had an interesting conversation! He was at the house to appraise it, and the chat that ensued from her asking about it was the first she ever heard about Bill taking out a loan, putting up literally all their earthly possessions to get it, and apparently not paying off...any of it? Not unreasonably, she jumps to the conclusion that they're about to lose the house, but Bill tries to jolly her along, telling her "That would only happen in a worst-case scenario." THIS MIGHT BE THAT, THOUGH, I THINK IS HER POINT?! She just tells him in no uncertain terms that he needs to make sure any needed sacrifices get made at the office, not at home.

A Mother Of A Reunion

Who called the meeting? Libby, in absentia.

What's it about? Concerned about this ominous visit from the banker, Libby called Essie to tell her Bill's broke, so Essie has appeared in the office lobby to offer to give him some, though it takes a while for that to come out.

How'd it go? Badly. Bill learns for the first time that Libby and Essie have actually been meeting in secret for the past year. He assumes that means that Essie must have told Libby the reason Bill sent Essie away, but she says that when she saw Libby's "sweet face" for the first time, she couldn't destroy her like that. Essie insists that she doesn't judge anything Bill does -- "My place is to love you. Just that. And I do" -- and though she wants another chance to be part of his life, but that if Bill kicks her out again, she'll go. And THEN she's like, "There is one other thing, one thing I want to do to help." It's not give him a reassuring gentle kiss on the forehead.

Libby vs. Bill

"WE ARE TAKING THAT MONEY," screams Libby. While she and Bill get ready to go out, they lay out their opposing viewpoints, yellingly. Her side: they need the money; it's BASICALLY Bill's money anyway, since Essie got it from his father's death. His side: he's always provided for their family; his mother's not to be trusted. This gets close enough to the edge of Bill telling Libby about his childhood that she finally blows up at him for still keeping the secret of the "grievous wound from years ago," which doesn't make him any different from everyone else on earth except insofar as he feels the need to "spread the torment around" and make everyone else miserable with him. Bill doesn't really have a counter-argument to that since she's totally right, so he just declares that they're not taking the money and flounces off.

Winner: For now, Bill, the one who gets to be in charge of the family finances, as far as he knows.

Oh My God, He Destroyed Kenny!

Situation: Virginia has brought her current boyfriend, Kenny, to Austin's birthday party (where we've just seen the lovely hand model Holly, in lingerie like she wanted, pop out of a cake), and whatever Virginia's told him about her work with Bill has made Kenny eager to meet the great doctor.

What makes it awkward? In addition to his baseline antipathy toward all men who may openly court Virginia, Bill is very drunk, so he takes this opportunity to invite Kenny to be a participant in the study -- they could even pair him with Virginia! Kenny's like, "And Ginny's strictly a behind-the-- I mean, you don't do the actual--" whereupon Bill's like, no, she fucks all the time.

How is order restored? Virginia hustles Kenny away, but it's only a temporary fix.

UM I THINK MY RIDE'S HERE

Where The Elite Meet To Treat Their Feet

More time has passed, it's time for Betty to give a prospective new tenant (who's in typography) an update on the good old office building! The Communist Party HQ is now CORE, "and they're rarin' to go, too, god bless 'em." The modeling agency's still there, so that's good news for the tenant (who's now a podiatrist): "A lot of girls on their feet, and on their back, if you believe the rumor that they're into skin flicks now." And then in the elevator the tenant turns into Flo, Virginia's Cal-o-Metric boss, over whom Betty apparently has to crack the whip because she's always late with her rent. When Flo disparagingly refers to Betty as a "bean-counter," Betty hotly exposits that she "aced [her] CPA exam." Everyone caught up? Cool.

Stupid Babies Are Finally Paying Off!

After a quick debrief about not taking Flo's rent in cash anymore, Betty hands Bill a stack of cheques he needs to sign, including one for a new blood pressure cuff. Bill says he thought Betty said they couldn't afford it. "We can now," mutters Betty, and then, after a tiny pause, she explains: "Our fertility patient numbers are finally up," she explains, and between that and her having raised fees, they're showing a 20% profit this month. Yay! Right?

...No?

He Never Put A Girdle On Her Heart

Situation: Virginia runs into Shelly in the lobby at her office.

What makes it awkward? Even though he remembers everything about her -- he even asks after her children by name -- Virginia can't place him, which becomes embarrassingly clear when she asks about his children and he's like, "Haven't been born yet." He adds that there was a time when he thought he might have children with her, but for that to happen he would have had to make any impression on her, which he evidently did not.

How is order restored? It's not. The apparently-still-single Shelly stomps off, leaving Virginia to start her workday feeling shitty.

This Milk Is Sour! I'll Just Put It Back In The Fridge In Case It's Good Again Tomorrow.

The weird reunion with Shelly, plus a chance look at some two-year-old footage of her and Bill when they still liked each other, has made Virginia take stock of her life and think about making a new start, to which end she comes into Bill's office and puts the key to "their" suite at the Chancery Park Plaza on his desk. "Aside from my children, everything I have is permanently, inexorably tied to this work. Our work. To you. Sometimes in the past, after a late night at the hospital or the hotel, sometimes I would feel almost sick at the unfairness of it -- that you would go home to Libby while I would go home utterly alone." Even though Bill was so jealous of the dudes she dated, she mostly can't even remember their names, and anyway, it's not fair of him to begrudge her companionship when he's...you know, married. "Just because one goes home to someone doesn't mean they're not alone," mutters Bill. "Whatever this is between us," says Virginia, "it can't be undone." Or, she adds, it would take a violent wrenching, not this cold war that they've had going for the past year or whatever. Anyway: Virginia will resume fucking Bill, but he has to let her have someone to hold on to while he's holding on to Libby (and I assume with regard to Libby she just means metaphorically, since she knows quite well that they...don't). Bill gives a tiny nod, because hey, back to the hotel!

Later, Bill is still fully clothed (though he's undone his bow tie, at least), and since it seems as though they've "resumed [their] work," Virginia decides to start talking about the less-cunnilingusy aspects of said work! Like the janitor Betty thinks is stealing from petty cash! And the fact that they'll need to find another fuck pad that's cheap or free, even though she really does like the good old CPP and "it's nice to be back"! Bill's like, hmmmmmmmm!

At the bachelor party for Austin's friend Hank, which Austin has brought Lester to film for some reason, it's time for the stag film! Except uh oh, that girl stripping down for a spanking looks really familiar! Apparently the latest rumours about that "modeling agency" are true!

So once he finds out his girlfriend's a porn star, Austin goes straight from the party to see Elise and inform her that he wants to get back together! He gave bachelor life a go, but now he feels-- and she completes his sentence with "adrift" and "without an anchor"! Austin thinks that her knowing what he means is proof that they're meant to be together, but she knows that once he's reanchored, he'll just resume fucking everything on legs again! Now now, Elise, your ex-husband is a REAL slut! Don't discount the legless! Austin tries to promise he'll be faithful, but Elise says that even if that were humanly possible, it wouldn't work: "As much as you want to unring the bell, it's rung, and when that happens, all you can do is listen. I've moved on, Austin. I'm gone"! I would say "nice try, Austin," but it kind of isn't! Don't try to make a grand conciliatory gesture in the middle of the night! A lady likes to sleep!

At the Chancery Park Plaza, the poor bellboy who once had to be on the receiving end of a whole self-pitying monologue from "Dr. Holden" about his betrayal by "Mrs. Holden" has moved up the ranks to night manager! So he gets to hear the pitch for a little scheme Dr. Holden's cooked up: what if Dr. Holden put himself on the hotel's list of on-call doctors in exchange for the use of Room 412 for free? The kid's like, um, no offense, but I don't think our guests would really care to be treated by a radiologist, BUT my sister had her baby delivered by a DR. MASTERS, and if DR. MASTERS were offering his services, then maybe that would work, WIIIIIIIINK?

Back at the office, Virginia has a visitor, whom Betty describes as the secretary from Memorial who was "bringing up the rear with Dr. Greathouse"! It's Barbara! And she wants to participate in the study! She wants to learn more about her body, which "doesn't work very well down there"! What's that now? "Nothing can penetrate the vaginal opening because it's closed"! But you had an affair-- "We did everything, just not the normal way, because I couldn't"! Virginia sadly says that while there are things they can discuss about Barbara's condition, the fact that she has it disqualifies her from participating in the study! Sad trombone for Barbara!

Johnny's having another birthday! And Virginia at least has the grace to take Bill into the kitchen and away from the children to discuss Barbara's closed-up cooch! It's gotten Virginia thinking: the limitations of the new questionnaire are keeping them from learning more about the interesting edge cases represented by sexual weirdos! (I'm paraphrasing!) But before Bill can weigh in on the matter, Libby comes in to send Bill out with a plate of food...

...and get her own alone time with Virginia! They've been offered the use of a lake house a couple of hours away, which is fine and everything even though Libby really wishes they could go to Paris or Morocco: "I am dying to go anywhere"! And hey, she's got a great idea: why doesn't Virginia come with them to this lake house? She could bring the kids! "Honestly, it would be nicer if you were there. Easier. And I would like that. It's much more pleasant to be around Bill when you're around"! Okay, but does this lake house have a secret room Libby doesn't know about where Bill and Virginia can go at it? Because I'm not sure Bill can get hard again yet but I bet he'd want to try!

And then Bill is at the grill and Libby brings him out a plate of burgers when they both turn to see Essie loaded down with about a million birthday gifts! Bill invited her! When Libby takes off to let Bill and Essie chat, he tells her he deigned to relax his restrictions against her because "this time when [he] asked [her] to stay away, [she] did"! Essie says she learned her lesson, and Bill's like, O RLY? "I wouldn't say that. 20% bump in revenue due to an increase in fertility patients and fees?" Gulp! But Bill says he's not going to look too closely at how Essie and Libby and Betty colluded to get the money to Bill that he had said he didn't want, because he doesn't want to be back at square one with her! Essie says she had to help him: "I couldn't not. Not again. But there's another reason that money 'didn't' find its way to you: it's because I'm proud of you. Everything you've accomplished, all on your own, in spite of everything. I am so very proud of you, son"! She's going to keep quiet about your "work at the hotel" AND continue funneling guilt money? EVERYTHING'S COMING UP BILL!!!!!