Masters Of Sex Shows The Repercussions Of Publishing A Book Called Human Sexual Response

Her Given Name Is Lisa, But We Call Her "Li'l Cockblock"

Situation: It's been eight weeks since Virginia gave birth to Lisa, so Bill's ready to get all up in that again.

What makes it awkward? Virginia's excuses -- that her body's not the same as it was before; Lisa starting to cry -- kind of make it seem like she'd just rather not, and Bill's not trying to hear that.

How is order restored? The baby starts crying and doesn't stop, so Virginia has no choice but to go take care of her and leave Bill to...take care of himself, I guess.

The Joy Of Cooking Up An Excuse To Ditch Your Husband

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Issue: Human Sexual Response has been out for ten whole minutes, so Bill feels the need to secure its long-term future immediately -- and the Committee For Decency lobby crackpot's mention of all the Wash U students Bill's no longer able to corrupt has given Bill an idea: medical schools could teach sexuality courses using HSR as their textbook!

Complicating Factors: Betty thinks he should give up on that notion and partner with one of the many investors who've come out of the woodwork since the book's publication, but he pooh-poohs her...only to find out that his terrible reputation has preceded him at Wash U, and the people who are there now aren't that interested in letting him talk them into this new sex class idea. Also, Bill sucks at selling, and Virginia -- who normally handles such matters on behalf of the partnership -- is preoccupied with her children at the moment.

Resolution: Bill stops by Barton Scully's apartment -- finding him keeping company there with a nice lady named Judith -- stays for dinner, and then leans on Barton to help him get access to the right people; Barton reluctantly agrees.

Spoiler: Barton should have trusted his instincts on this one.

Out In The Scold

Who called the meeting? Some nun at Tessa's school.

What's it about? Tessa sucks. (Specifically, she's been cutting class and trying to excuse herself with obviously forged notes from "Virginia.")

How'd it go? Poorly. For starters, this nun didn't get the Google alert about how Virginia's pioneering a new approach to working motherhood because she blames all of Tessa's shittiness on Virginia: "I know you're very busy, Mrs. Johnson, but remember, children learn by example." She mentions that the kind of misbehaviour Tessa's displaying is typical of what she's seen from students whose parents are divorced, so Virginia's all like, Ha ha, you can't possibly mean me, I'm totally married, at which Tessa blows up her spot with regard to Virginia and George not even living together. Once Sister Annabel's moved on to eavesdrop around a corner or something, Virginia hisses at Tessa that she's not supposed to tell people private Johnson family business, which is when Tessa unloads on her: she says that "Grandma" totally backs her up 100% (Virginia: "Wait, you spoke to Grandma?"); her life at school has been a nightmare since HSR came out because everyone knows her mother watches people have sex for a living; and she hasn't said any of this to Virginia before now because Virginia only has her three nights a week and most of that she spends with the baby. Virginia looks stricken and guilty and Tessa's all, "Oh, I'm sorry, we're not supposed to mention the baby either." It seems like Tessa's probably got kind of a point -- this is exactly the kind of thing high school brats would tease someone about -- but she's also such a shithead that it's hard to be very sympathetic about it, and that's even before we see her asking this of a boy two scenes later:

Reading About Vulvar Vasocongestion Is Fundamental

May Divorce Be With You

After the last time we saw Joy and Libby discussing the logistics of how they're both going to leave their disappointing husbands, as they've apparently been plotting for months -- Joy's kicked her prep into high gear: she's had a realtor show her a bunch of apartments and narrowed her choice down to one she'd like to show Libby tonight. What Joy doesn't know is that Libby's already sold her out: after that last chat, she waited about ten seconds for Joy to leave and then told Bill all about how only Joy was getting ready to leave only her crappy husband, and maybe Bill should go ahead and tell said husband, Paul, all about it; only Bill's lack of interest in other people has kept Joy's plan from totally blowing up in her face. Anyway, now she's trying to get Libby to come out with her and reminding her of all the past conversations they've had about this very thing, and Libby's trying to act like she isn't trapped in a loveless marriage all of a sudden. Joy decides to back off trying to push Libby into taking an action she's clearly too scared to and instead shares what her own marriage is like for her: she was attracted to Paul because he had so many dreams, but none of them has come true, he doesn't seem to care, and she can't imagine spending the rest of her life doing exactly what she's been doing -- wasting time with his unambitious ass. But obviously Libby couldn't be unhappy when she's in the exact opposite position herself: Bill's on the cusp of enormous success and Libby's going to get to share in it with him! Libby's like, Yeah, totally, Bill's favourite thing is sharing his success with me!

Then Bill comes home and Libby lies that she's going to hand out leaflets related to the civil rights boycott she and Joy are working on and tells Bill she made a casserole for him and Paul, HINT, before heading out to string Joy along some more.

House Of Cards

The Scene: Paul and Bill hang out watching football, Bill trying his best to ignore Paul.

The Symbol: Bill's prized collection of football cards, which he's nervously excited to share with Paul after recognizing Paul's name from his days as a college football star. Bill fights Paul's indifference to show him one in particular -- Ernie Nevers, who Bill calls "the single greatest fullback in the history of football" -- that he was supposed to have gone in on with a kid named Wally only to end up paying the full $5 price himself when Wally crapped out. "Sometimes you gotta do it on your own, right?" muses Paul absently.

The Meaning: Bill's not going to be able to depend on anyone else to rehabilitate his reputation.

Say Yes To The Dress, You Little Shit

Who's causing a family crisis? Virginia.

How? She's volunteered to be a chaperone at Tessa's school's Homecoming dance.

Which relatives have a problem with it? Tessa, who greets the news of Virginia's community spirit by announcing that if Virginia goes, Tessa's not going to -- not even to show off the sweet party dress Virginia's brought home for her.

Who's an unlikely ally? Hugh Hefner, kind of? He wants to meet Virginia and Betty the night of the dance to talk about making an investment in Bill and Virginia's institute, and when Bill allows Virginia to take the meeting (and to meet with a couple of other interested parties too) it forces Virginia to back out as a chaperone.

Spoiler: Tessa might not have hated having Virginia there as much as she thought.

Can You Smell What He Sees?

A Heavy-Handed Approach

Tessa and Matt have ditched the dance and are hanging out in his car playing a very nerdy state capitals-based drinking game and sharing little details about their lives -- she explains that she learned all the capitals after George would put pins in all the cities he was going to visit when he went out on tour -- before sharing a very sweet, age-appropriate kiss. As they pull apart, Matt admits, with some hesitation, "I haven't done a lot with girls. You probably know a lot more about this stuff." Tessa doesn't deny it -- though from what we've seen, it seems like her knowledge is mostly theoretical -- and when he asks if she'll teach him, she says she will. They kiss for about two more seconds and then he's, like, immediately unbuckling his belt. Tessa realizes that she's talked herself into a situation she doesn't want to be in anymore, and she tries to get out of it by claiming "it's that time of the month...when a girl can get really pregnant. And you don't have a rubber. Next time. Plan ahead."

Then, even though Matt had said he doesn't know much about sex, he demonstrates that he's pretty conversant with girls' pressure points and how to activate them, as he indicates his boner and whines, "You can't just leave me like this. I mean, you have to do something." He settles back with the entitlement of a little shithead who's pretty sure he has reason to, and Tessa duly prepares to jerk him off, but that's not what he was thinking: "No. Not with your hand. Try that other thing girls do with your mouth." Hmmm, like tell you to fuck off? In fact, no: he puts his hand on the back of Tessa's head and pushes her down; when she resists, he reminds her, "It's in your mom's book. Don't be such a pricktease." Like many a teenaged girl before her, Tessa submits like she thinks she's supposed to. The good news is that she apparently gets him off in about three seconds. The bad news is that when Matt apologizes for pulling her hair, she throws up all over her pretty new dress. Matt, you Papist piece of garbage. How dare you make me take this other brat's side against you.

Bill vs. Fitzhugh

After making Barton bring him as his plus-one at a Wash U faculty cocktail party, Bill makes a beeline for this Chancellor Fitzhugh, and starts (awkwardly) pitching his "sex course plus oh hey why not use my book as a text" plan, offering to send a copy of Human Sexual Response, but Fitzhugh's good: "No need, Bill. I read your book." Bill, not great at reading social cues, asks what Fitzhugh thought, at which Fitzhugh sends Barton to go get him a fresh drink so that he can talk some real shit. He starts by calling HSR both "quite an achievement" as well as "graphic" and "controversial," before recapping all the reasons Bill got fired from Wash U in the first place. He then turns his attention to Barton, saying he has poor judgment, and not just in his professional life: he's heard rumours about Barton "year after year," and corrects Bill on his misapprehension that Barton stepped down as provost to have a more chill kind of life: "He fought tooth and nail." His knockout punch: "That queer is lucky to have a position in the university at all." It's at this point that Barton comes back with Fitzhugh's drink, apologizing that the bar didn't have his brand. The "fight" has been pretty one-sided to this point, but the arrival of Fitzhugh's drink moves Bill to battle back by swatting it out of Fitzhugh's drink before stomping out like the real cool Fonzie he is.

Winner: Fitzhugh, ultimately. Definitely not Barton.

Bill vs. Barton

Outside, Bill starts haranguing Barton about working for a man like Fitzhugh, totally ignoring facts like: Barton is a closeted gay man whose proclivities are well known and barely tolerated; Barton is getting old enough that pursuing a job somewhere new may not be an option for him; Barton might not have given up his provost job willingly but that doesn't mean he really isn't happier, on the whole, with a job that doesn't put so much pressure on him. Bill thinks he can solve the problem of Barton's being used as a "goddamn serving boy" by people who "do not appreciate" him by offering Barton a job working for him -- proof that you can mansplain to a man if you're just insensitive enough to try -- but Barton would rather not discuss the "rumours" that his current colleagues "listen to" and get home. "To Judith?" spits Bill. "You must wonder what on earth--" Barton starts, but Bill stops him, saying he doesn't wonder about Judith or anything else: "I know. It doesn't matter to me. Come where you're wanted, Barton. Where you're respected." Barton does not agree.

Winner: The closet. Poor Barton.

Virginia picks up Tessa after her series of meetings with perverts potential investors, breezily apologizing for how long they went, as Tessa looks out the window and cries! At least she can play off her tears as having been caused by Virginia's thoughtlessness and not the advantage Matt took of her!

Lester's been sleeping at the office because his wife, Jane -- remember her from Season 1? -- came in to give him his lunch and overheard him shit-talking her! Betty comes in to defend Jane -- "She's not a she-wolf, she's bored out of her skull" -- and says she's too smart to be wiping their kids' noses all day. What if Jane read through the mail that Bill and Virginia are getting looking for and answering anything non-crazy, for $5 a bag? Um, I would do that job for free, call me!

At school, Matt finds Tessa in the hall to apologize...for having plied her with schnapps that made her sick: "Don't feel bad -- same thing happened to me a couple of weeks ago. I threw up all over my cousin's dog." But hey, he had a good time and they should do it again! Tessa: "I'd love to." Oh, Tessa! Even if you hate her, this actually is one you should talk about with your mom!

Betty and Virginia report back to Bill on the meetings they took with the "hand massager" guy, the flavors and fragrance guy, and Hugh Hefner -- yes, that one! Betty and Virginia are all about Hef, but Bill flat-out refuses to lend the rectitude of his and Virginia's name to Hefner's smutty enterprise, no matter what Virginia and Betty think! Hey, Bill, maybe don't delegate work if you're not prepared to accept delegates' findings?

And then Flavours And Fragrances is back! He wants a fragrance that says "I want you!" Bill wants his money, so he lies, "Smell is one of the disciplines we're hoping to explore in the next phase of our research"! Virginia goes out to get papers, and F&F asks what her situation is! Bill says she's married, but doesn't seem convinced that F&F actually cares if she is!

On a research bed at the office, Lester and Jane have angry sex using an angry yet erotic letter as their fuck fuel! Thanks, anonymous wacko!

Libby's doing dishes when she notices Paul's car door open at the curb! When she goes next door to see what's up, she finds Paul in a state: Joy's at the hospital! She just had a catastrophic brain aneurysm! The good news is that she'll live! The bad news is that Libby's delay prevented her from having even one happy post-Paul day before her brain was irreparably damaged! GREAT WORK, LIBBY!

Bill and Virginia try to Do Sex again, and once again, Lisa's crying pulls them up short! This time, Virginia tries to bring Lisa into the room with them and lay her on the bed between them until she drifts back off to sleep! At first, Bill shrinks away from her, and why wouldn't he: this gigantic eight-week-old baby is probably suffering some kind of disorder he doesn't want to catch! But after a moment, he breaks his usual policy of avoiding children under all circumstances and lays a tentative hand on Lisa's stomach! "HOLY SHIT WHAT A BREAKTHROUGH" is what I think I'm supposed to say, but maybe he should extend this kind of curiosity and attention to, I don't know, ANY OF HIS OWN THREE CHILDREN WHO PROBABLY BARELY REMEMBER WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE AT THIS POINT??? Bill, I don't want to keep hating you, so maybe take a day off from SUCKING SO HARD!