Virginia Learns That It's Hard To Be Taken Seriously As A Scientist After Everyone's Seen Your Boobs

At Least Someone Knows What She's Doing

Enjoy Your Handful, Barbara

Putting The "D'Oh" In D&C

Situation: A young woman named Rose Palmateer is bleeding out in the ER.

What Makes It Awkward? Her father is a major donor to the hospital...but that doesn't stop Bill from bitterly snapping at Rose's mother that the reason Rose is in this situation is that she had a botched abortion.

How is order restored? Bill stops the bleeding, but that's just Phase 1 of this shitshow.

Brunette Ambition (But Which Brunette?)

Alert Type: Public Health Initiative Alert.

Issue: Lillian wants to get the word out about pap smears and why gynecologists should learn to do them, so Virginia has arranged for her to appear in an instructional film to promote her campaign.

Complicating Factors: Lillian is extremely self-conscious about her delivery and flustered about having let Virginia talk her into it.

Resolution: An extremely nervous Lillian finally knuckles under and tries to read her script on camera, but she substitutes the wrong words and makes a mess of it, angrily turning on Virginia and blaming Virginia for Lillian's embarrassment: "I wanted pamphlets! You wanted a movie!"

Spoiler: Lillian's difficulty wasn't due to nerves or the bright lights.

Tennis, No One?

Who called the meeting? Vivian.

What's it about? Officially? She injured her wrist "playing tennis." Though not even Austin buys that story.

How'd it go? The actual medical part seems to go well enough, but then Austin tries to connect to Vivian on a human level, drawing a parallel between their respective breakups, and she's not having it. As soon as we learn that the soon-to-be-ex-Mrs. Langham has gone to stay with her mother in Alton, Illinois (OH, WORD???), Austin offers himself if Vivian ever wants to talk, and she's like, I'm good. But she can't help being curious about whether Austin really did sleep with his sister-in-law, and in a way he thinks is cute, he shrugs, "What can I say? She's a spider. I got trapped in her web."

Virginia vs. Vivian

Having already told Bill that Barton's secretary has been dodging Virginia's attempts to get the sex study paperwork out of the basement and looking for new avenues to get to him, Virginia jumps on the chance to buttonhole Vivian in the hall and try to weasel her way to Barton that way. Unfortunately, Virginia forgot that Vivian hates her guts for "stealing" Ethan away from her, so after calling out Virginia's overly familiar manner -- which, under the circumstances, is pretty gross -- she demands to know why Virginia had to fuck Ethan and destroy the future Vivian had planned for the two of them. Virginia's like, okay, this gambit has failed, but also maybe you should be mad at Ethan? To which Vivian replies, "You may get away with this now, but eventually people will catch on, and then all you'll be is old, and ugly, and alone."

Winner: Uh, VIVIAN. Maybe forever.

Bill vs. Mrs. Monster McMoneybags

Remember Rose? Well, her problems aren't over. As soon as Bill has stabilized her, Mrs. Palmateer stomps into Bill's office demanding that he perform a hysterectomy on her daughter. Turns out this isn't Rose's first abortion: it's the second that Rose's parents know of, and part and parcel with Rose's horny history of sneaking out with boys since she was thirteen. Mrs. Palmateer notes that the next time Rose seeks an abortion, she could die (which...is clearly true, since she almost died this time), but then has to be a bitch about it again, saying that her husband can't even look at Rose, he's so disgusted by her. As Betty eavesdrops, Greathouse tries to stick up for Mrs. Palmateer because he knows how money works, and while Bill remains adamantly opposed, Greathouse promises that they'll get rid of Rose's womb no problem.

Winner: The impressive tag-team work on display by Money and Repression.

The Sisterhood Of Secretaries

On her way to tell Bill about her upsetting interaction with Vivian and how cagey Vivian was about Barton's sudden trip to Venice with Margaret, Virginia meets Barbara. And even though Bill and Virginia had conspired earlier to have Virginia trick Barbara into quitting so that Virginia could worm her way into Memorial -- and the sex study -- by way of employment as Bill's new secretary, Barbara is so nice to Virginia that she loses her nerve to destroy her. Seriously, Virginia was going to take the hypothetical new secretary to lunch and scare her with horror stories about what a terrible boss Bill is (which would have been easy because he is a terrible boss), but Barbara asks Virginia to lunch first. That's some Art Of War shit. Nice work, Marie.

Womb For Improvement

Bill tries to enlist Rose in his mission to preserve her fertility. Turns out she's over it.

Coral, You In Danger, Girl

While Libby and Coral deal with the laundry at the Masters house, Coral staaaaaaarts to get a sense of the dude she's working for, as Libby shows her the very particular way Bill wants his undershirts folded. "My aunt says hard men do the best doctoring," says Coral kindly, which is all the opening Libby needs to start barfing up all her grievances against Bill. She was pretty sure that having a child would soften Bill, even though she knew he didn't want kids or have a happy childhood himself, so first of all, GREAT PLAN. She goes on to say that not only didn't John's arrival fix everything weird about Bill, but that he's weirder than ever, "more cut off, like he's scared of that perfect, innocent, beautiful boy. Who ever heard of a grown man being afraid of his own child." Coral:

Try making a friend your own age, Libby. Ideally one you don't pay.

Seriously With The Tennis Story, Vivian?

Who called the meeting? Bill.

What's it about? Hearing from Virginia about Vivian's alleged tennis injury when Vivian has been beating the pros at her parents' club since she was a child set off an alarm for Bill, so he waited for her outside of her class to find out what's really going on with Barton.

How'd it go? Probably as well as can be expected for Vivian, who surely must just be happy to be unburdened of the secret about Barton's suicide attempt. And apparently the Venice part of the story is true: Margaret has evidently chalked up Barton's suicide attempt to Vivian as work stress, including Bill's departure. Vivian obviously doesn't know about the closeted part of Barton's story, but she's empathetic. But it's a grim meeting for Bill, who still has his own secret to keep and has to use all his man-strength not to weep for Barton afterward.

Middle-Aged Doctors In Lust

In case we forgot for five minutes the kind of ignorance Bill and Virginia were up against with the sex study, we get this segment cutting back and forth between Virginia with Dr. Ditmer (the guy who wanted to hire her to help with his throat study because of her experience with Ulysses), and Bill with Greathouse. Let me shorthand it: Greathouse is very interested in "different points of entry" and clearly either is fucking Barbara or wants to; Ditmer has a lot of questions about vaginal congestion for someone who supposedly wants to adapt the dildo camera for use in the upper GI tract, and apparently just hearing Virginia describe it very clinically makes him come in his pants. GROW UP, EVERYONE, JESUS.

Can't Win, Don't Try. Got It.

What's the occasion? Austin has given up on pretending to be a decent husband, deciding instead to steer into the skid. And by that I mean he makes that explicit analogy to Virginia because this show is not subtle sometimes.

What are the refreshments? Beer, liquor, nothing like food.

Whose embarrassing public scene will everyone be talking about tomorrow? Those bitches who wouldn't hold the elevator for her are DEFINITELY going to be discussing the fact that Virginia the hospital jezebel danced with Austin the hospital stud! In front of everyone!!!

The IUD!

Are you a dumb teenager who's sick of getting accidentally pregnant because you literally can't stop fucking no matter how hard you try? Are you looking for a form of contraception that doesn't involve any stick or goop or guy to put something on his thing? Or, honestly, are you a grown-up lady in 2014 who can't be bothered with hormonal birth control or hassle? Consider the IUD! Ask your doctor about jamming it up in your parts so you don't have to think about contraception for, like, years and years! It's the perfect solution for people whose mothers don't approve of birth control but have no qualms about sterilizing their teen children!

1. Don't talk about yourself that way.
2. It's not! Whore it up for consequence-free fun, until you get herpes or gonorrhea.

The IUD. Little. Plastic. Different. Fucking!

Mother Doesn't Always Know Best

Situation: John is crying inconsolably.

What Makes It Awkward? Libby is getting flustered because she can't find a solution in her copy of Dr. Spock's book.

How is order restored? Momentarily and with terrible imminent consequences. When Bill comes home and distracts Libby, Coral uses her instincts, takes John into the next room, and swaddles him tightly, like she's apparently been trying to do all day. She's triumphant when it works, not realizing that a tight swaddle is a suggestion Bill had also made, so in Libby's mind, Bill and Coral are ganging up against her. She can't punish Bill for actually giving half a shit about his child for once, so...Coral is in trouble.

Betty waylays Bill on his way into the hospital to urge him to talk to Rose about refusing a hysterectomy -- mistaking Bill's refusal to discuss the matter with Betty to mean he's just going along with what Rose's parents want -- but she kind of loses the moral high ground when she runs after him and breaks a heel, and the dude who stops to help her totally recognizes her from the brothel! D'oh!

Coral dares to watch a soap and make pleasant conversation that includes the word "ask"! Libby, in a fake-casual tone, tells Coral her pronunciation is wrong: it's "ask," and not "axe," as Coral has been saying it! Coral is embarrassed, AS ANYONE WOULD BE BY HAVING HER SHORTCOMINGS IDENTIFIED SO UNGRACIOUSLY, but Libby ignores her discomfort and chirps, "I'm always grateful when someone points out something I could do better"! She makes Coral repeat the word until she gets it right, and then purrs, "In the future, it would get confusing if the baby's talking one way with you and another with me. Since we'll be the two essentially raising him, it seems a good idea the two of us operate as a team, don't you think?" You used to be one of the good ones, Libby, but now you're just a mean white lady like all the others! BOO!

Having reluctantly visited her oncologist on Virginia's urging after she showed signs of aphasia at the film shoot, Lillian has learned that her cervical cancer has metastasized and spread to her brain. Virginia, also present, pushily asks what "our options" are, but it kind of seems like...none? Lillian is resigned, but Virginia insists that they're both fighters and that they are going to fight! But first, Lillian wants pizza! It's so out of character that Virginia is sure it's aphasia again, but no, she just wants pizza, and when you have terminal cancer that's spread to your brain, you get to eat whatever you feel like!

Betty poses as a hospital employee who works with Bill, and brings Rose someone else's floral arrangement! She volunteers a story about her own shitty childhood and the mother who "had a habit of making [Betty] feel real lousy" until Betty stabbed her in the eye with the heel of one of her shoes! "Not that blinding people is the best way," Betty admits, "but there is a life lesson in there somewhere about standing up for yourself -- a life lesson I am happy to pass on!" Rose thinks this means Bill talked about her with Betty, but Betty says she snooped, and Rose reports that Bill gave her a nice "buck up, little camper speech," to the effect of "I'll tell you what you're not, Rose: you're not your worst part"! So give it a rest, Betty, he can be nice to people sometimes! Just not his employees or his wife or his son or most of his patients!

After making arrangements with their uninterested wife and babysitter respectively, Bill and Virginia meet up outside their hotel in Alton, Illinois and walk in together BUT HOW LONG WILL IT BE BEFORE AUSTIN'S EX-WIFE SEES THEM AND PUTS THEM ON BLAAAAAAAAAAST?!?!!?!!!?!