A New FX Hairpiece Strains Wig Cop's Patience

I haven't read the graphic novel or novel or stage musical or gum wrapper comic strip or whatever other versions of The Strain preceded the current TV series, and I'm not going to. Your Wig Cop doesn't have time to read for pleasure -- not when my job depends on my poring over wig catalogues to stay up-to-date on potential frauds committed against you, citizen.

So: nice try, The Strain. But I know my Regis Fine Men's Coiffures Spring 2014 supplement backward and forward. And I spotted The Commodore the second I saw it on Corey Stoll in The Strain.

The people who chose The Commodore don't know what I know. They don't get the circulars from 1WPP. When The Strain's hairstylist first appeared with what would become the Ephraim Goodweather topper, there's no reason anyone would have been wary of The Commodore's known design flaws, like a stitching error on the right temple. The whole product line shipped with a cowlick that pops out in humid weather, which Toronto has in spades.

I could have told that ignorant stylist -- who's obviously inexperienced when it comes to men's full-cap hairpieces -- that she'd need heavy-duty tape to keep the back from curling up at Ephraim's collar. She was obviously too busy trying to give him volume by spraying Elnett all over his bangs like it was going out of style.

Or maybe he just pissed her off? Because she could have told the director to make sure not to put that "hair" between a camera and a Klieg light.

Or in a bright room.

Or near any source of light, really. But she didn't. Did Corey Stoll steal her lunch? Did he back into her bumper? Did he abduct her child? It had to be something bad for her to undermine him so badly, and with such a poor-quality appliance.

I don't know what made anyone on this production sign off on The Commodore, but then again, there probably isn't a hairpiece that could have worked. It's not like you citizens don't know Corey Stoll has lost his hair. And unless there are textual reasons from the original book(s) that explain that Ephraim's hair gives him Samsonlike virus-fighting powers, there's no reason Stoll couldn't have played him the same way he's played every character except Ernest Hemingway for the entire time the public has known him: AS A BALD MAN.

But no. The Strain tried to trot out this cockamamie wig and play you for a bunch of chumps. Well, not as long as I'm on the beat.