Why Are Women So Anxious To Enter The Workforce When It Mostly Sucks?

Hit And Mistress

The Scene: Virginia is back in a lab coat as Bill walks her through the study he resumed without her -- which he had to do, because, as he tells her, the hospital board was unimpressed by her application.

The Symbol: The pile of boxes of work Virginia had nothing to do with; the fact that, as Bill tells her, she never finished her degree because she chose him, and in the "current occupation" line on her application, she wrote "Mistress"; it's all symbolic because, duh, this is a dream sequence.

The Meaning: Virginia is anxious about her professional standing with regard to Bill and the study -- and, when she wakes up, the fact that he let her sleep for an hour in their hotel room while he just hung out reading makes her even MORE anxious that they're sliding into traditional affair-ish roles instead of keeping it about "the work."

Libby Masters Took An "Axe"

Situation: While Coral changes Johnny's diaper, Libby chatters on about how nervous she is to have Bill's new colleagues' wives over for luncheon for the first time.

What Makes It Awkward? Um, how about ALL OF IT? For starters, Libby is trying to pick an outfit for the get-together, so for now she's just parading around in front of Coral -- an unfortunate young woman that Libby really barely knows -- this weird teddygirdle, which I feel is inappropriate. Also, she has once again raised the matter of Bill's coldness toward the baby, now because she found an article in a ladies' magazine that rationalizes why dickish men men might not be involved in their kids' upbringing. Finally, Coral heedlessly drops another "axe" in conversation, and Libby pounces on it like a lion on a wounded gazelle.

How is order restored? Coral shuts down, and Libby continues getting ready for her super-fun lunch where nothing better go wrong!!!

Austin Langham, Hotel Detective

Alert Type: Blown-Up Spot Alert.

Issue: Austin saw Virginia and Bill leaving their Alton hotel room together, and he can't keep that knowledge to himself.

Complicating Factors: Austin thinks he's grokked the whole situation, assuming that Virginia quit the study and went to work for Lillian because she and Bill were fucking and couldn't work together anymore. But Virginia smoothly explains: she quit because she and Bill disagreed over when he should present the study, and when she turned out to be right given the débacle that followed, he apologized and she agreed to come back. They meet in that hotel in Alton just to work on the study together.

Resolution: Well, surprise, that cover story doesn't work, and since Austin apparently has the biggest mouth in the hospital, he goes straight to Lillian on the assumption that she already knows Bill and Virginia are and have been having an affair for months, and then he invites himself to dinner Chez Masters to warn Bill to be discreet with Virginia and not give up the great situation he has with Libby, like Austin did with Elise, which was a huge mistake mostly because he really misses her cooking, apparently.

Spoiler: Lillian is cool in the moment as Austin drops this bomb, but that won't last.

Here's To The Judgmental Ladies Who Lunch

What's the occasion? Libby is trying to get to know the wives of some of Bill's new colleagues.

What are the refreshments? Dainty salads; probably salted nuts; salty questions about the sex study, which Libby deflects by claiming it's boring; lots of cocktails, particularly for Mrs. Greathouse.

Whose embarrassing public scene will everyone be talking about tomorrow? It might have been the way Libby rudely interrupts Coral when she answers one of the ladies' questions about how she got to be so good with kids (Coral, pointedly at Libby: "She axed"), if not for the discovery that Johnny has head lice. OH GOODNESS WILL YOU LOOK AT THE TIME WE ALL HAVE TO GO RIGHT NOW FOR UNRELATED OTHER APPOINTMENTS THANKS FOR LUNCH FILTHY I MEAN LIBBY!

Reach For The Stars, But Stick To The Script

Who called the meeting? Flo, Virginia's Cal-o-Metric boss.

What's it about? Virginia's shitty numbers.

How'd it go? Virginia walks in all cocky, having sold $40 worth of speed in the past week and done it by improvising rather than sticking to the rigid sales script, which Flo says is the reason her numbers -- apparently a personal best for Virginia -- are so bad. Flo starts to tell her what she'll need to do if she wants to get good at sales, to which Virginia haughtily replies that she doesn't, lecturing Flo about her real professional interests, for which Cal-o-Metric is just a supplement while she waits to get her real job back. Flo's like, cool, but do you think the dude who invented the mechanism that makes toilets flush and died rich from it didn't have other aspirations too? "But who knows? Maybe you're SPECIAL." I'm thinking Flo leaves this encounter feeling a little better about herself than Virginia does.

Smeared Ambition

Alert Type: Medical Breakthrough Alert.

Issue: Lillian and Virginia are meeting with Dr. Georgios Papanikolaou, the pioneering gynecologist who invented and lent his name to the pap smear, about Lillian's campaign to educate doctors about the test.

Complicating Factors: Lillian is already nervous as hell about the meeting, and since she's still experiencing some aphasia from the metastasis of her cancer and needs Virginia's help to get out the phrase "film strip," she just gets more and more rattled.

Resolution: There isn't really any; Virginia walks Dr. Papanikolaou to his cab, lobbying him to consider Lillian for a medical prize he's associated with, but he doesn't give her an answer on that either way.

Spoiler: The prize thing is going to be moot soon anyway.

No Buns; Oven Busted

Situation: After so much time without any joy in Betty's fertility treatments, Gene has joined her for an appointment so that he can also have his fertility tested.

What Makes It Awkward? Gene is apparently the only person in St. Louis who doesn't know that Betty's already had a tubal ligation, and since Bill hasn't been cool with the fake fertility treatment ruse this whole time, he's DEFINITELY not cool with Betty's request that he just tell Gene he's sterile and end the charade.

How is order restored? While Bill sits and seethes, Betty monologues that Gene has shown up just in time for her "very last test," which has shown that she's sterile. Gene, shattered, thanks Bill for having tried. Bill, stiffly: "I didn't do anything, really." GET IT? Because he didn't. (This closes the matter for now, but it isn't over.)

Are you tired of hearing the subjects in your sex study tell you...this?

There's got to be a better way. And there is!

Hot Towels!

What helps a glass dildo-mounted camera go down smooth -- or should we say UP? Getting the old boy ready for action with a little time in a warm towel. Sure, the friction of the vaginal walls will make Ulysses less chilly before too long, but would you, Dr. Masters, like a lady to stick her pinkie up your butt after she'd just come in ungloved from a wintry St. Louis night? Surely not. That's why she knew to warm up the vibrator...and why you never should have started the study back up without her.

Hot towels. Put some in those special hospital warming cabinets today. Or ten minutes ago, before this poor study participant had to try to get herself off with a giant glass ICICLE.

And That Man's Grandson Went On To Create YouPorn

Alert Type: Perv Alert.

Issue: Greathouse, who's already let it be known that he's pretty sure Bill launched the sex study because he was bored/horny, has decided that he's going to start using study participants' sessions as his own private peep show -- and even though Bill had told Barbara to let Greathouse think this was going to be a night of old men with enlarged prostates masturbating, Greathouse showed up anyway (and while the larger, post-menopausal woman on the table is not really his jam, he sticks around to watch her having Ulysses Time. "Thar she blows!" - Greathouse.

Complicating Factors: Bill doesn't feel comfortable telling him to fuck off both because Greathouse is Bill's boss, and because he's still waiting for Greathouse to report that the board has signed off on Bill's hiring Virginia back as a research assistant.

Resolution: Greathouse pushes things to a head by coming back the next night -- even after Bill tried to put him off by talking about "transference" between them in the exam room and giving Greathouse a little gay panic -- with a bunch of other doctors. And Chinese food. Bill pulls Greathouse into the hallway to yell at him for this AND to order Greathouse to hire Virginia, which is when Greathouse announces that he never took Bill's request about Virginia to the board at all, and that Bill should thank him because at this hospital they keep their secretaries around for fucking without giving them promotions or titles above their pay grade. When they go back into the exam room, Bill basically attacks all the doctors, and as Greathouse screams that he's going to get Bill blackballed from every hospital in town, Bill goes in to the room with the study participant (just as she's climaxing, unfortunately for her) to cover her up and draw the shade. And that's a wrap on Bill at THIS hospital.

Spoiler: There are other hospitals in the area that won't care if Bill's been blackballed.

Libby vs. Coral

Since Libby has decided that Johnny's lice has to have come from Coral, despite Coral's insistence to the contrary, Libby's given her medicated shampoo to wash her hair with. But when Coral cheerfully shows up the next day, Libby can tell she never washed her hair with it, and then IT'S ON. Coral repeats that she didn't bring the lice into the Masters house; that it costs her $4 a week to get her hair done so she can't just wash it between appointments; and that she heard from her brother that black people can't even get lice. Bill, chilling with breakfast, confirms that the tight curls of African-American hair do not offer a hospitable environment for lice to thrive in. As Libby's entire body clenches at Bill once again siding with Coral against Libby herself, Coral takes off to get Johnny/escape the horror.

Winner: Draw. For now.

The Break-Up

Having had a couple of days to digest Austin's report of Bill and Virginia's affair and wanting to give Virginia the chance to be honest about it so that they can move forward together even if Austin's story has kind of confirmed all Lillian's worst suspicions about Virginia, Lillian takes the opportunity of a quiet moment in a waiting room outside one of her doctor's appointments to open the door for an open exchange: she volunteers that when she was in college, she cheated on a calculus exam. It was not her best subject, but she was a straight-A student otherwise, and she figured that if she got straight A's across the board, no medical school could deny her -- not even as a woman. "It was a shortcut, that's all. Doesn't negate the work I've done since. Does one shortcut diminish everything that comes after?" Hiiiiiiiiint? Anyway, that's her secret: what about Virginia? Though it seems like Virginia knows what Lillian's getting at and why, she doesn't break: "I don't have any secrets." Lillian, crying a little, says that Virginia has seen her at her worst and that Lillian's shared almost everything about her life with her; she thinks it seems right that Virginia should share with her too. But Virginia calmly refuses to take the bait: "Honestly, Lillian, I am not that interesting." But it's not like this is going to affect their mutually beneficial working relationship or their hard-fought friendship, riiiiiiight?

Coral vs. Libby

Libby calls Coral into the bathroom to find a whole process already set up. Apparently, Libby's issue isn't that she hates feeling like she's on the outside while Coral and Bill bond; it's that if Coral's going to work for Libby, then Libby has to trust her. And when Coral said she'd wash her hair with Libby's special shampoo and then totally didn't, that trust was broken, so they're going to go ahead and wash Coral's hair right now. Coral, obviously horrified, apologizes and promises that she will wash her hair with the special shampoo at home, but Libby says she can't trust Coral to do that anymore. Basically, Coral's got two choices: submit to the humiliation of letting her bitch boss wash her hair like Coral's a helpless child, or get fired. So Coral sits, and Libby washes her hair, purring all the while about her and Coral being on the same side, and Coral leaving Bill out of their household matters because he's so busy and important. "You and I, we need to stick together. Okay?" Coral manages not to scratch Libby's eyes out, and Libby goes out to the bedroom to her purse and returns with cash for Coral to get her hair done again: "My treat." FUCK YOUR "TREAT," YOU HIGH-TONED C.

Winner: Libby, fighting dirty as usual.

Mind The Pap

Well, since Virginia's unwittingly shat upon her mutually beneficial working relationship and hard-fought friendship with Lillian, Lillian no longer wants to pursue her pap test awareness campaign with Virginia and would rather just hand the whole program over to Dr. Papanikolaou to run out of the research centre he's setting up at the University of Miami, even though it means she'll have no control and basically no credit.

Later, Lillian tells Virginia how it is, and manages little more than a head-cock at Virginia's dismay, reminding her, "I don't need to consult you about the course of my research." "YOUR research?" Virginia shoots back. "We're partners!" Except...like, they aren't?

Cal-o-Metric!

Hey. Hey! Lorraine! Or should I say "Hey Fatty"? Hey, it's me, Virginia, we met at the block party? Well, I've just had my ideas about myself as a professional in the medical field shattered like a cold glass vibrator dropped on an exam room floor, so I guess instead of acting like I'm above selling diet pills to women who aren't even overweight, I'm going to imply that your rotundity has made you invisible to men from your husband to the bag boy at the supermarket. Oh, you don't like that? You want to solve that problem? Take a pamphlet. I'm going to go take a very hot shower until I can pretend this encounter never happened and MAYBE feel clean again.

Cal-o-Metric! For women who have low self-esteem, whether we gave it to them or not.

Hooker? I Totally Know Her!

In the aftermath from their heartbreaking infertility "news," Betty prattles on to Gene about the fact that there is no Betty Crocker and that some men made her up, to which Gene grunts that, actually, a woman came up with the character. Betty shrugs that since he's in the food business, he'd know, to which Gene snips, "And I guess you would be the expert on phone Betties." Turns out that when he went to pay for all her treatments, he found out there were none, and realized that she'd known all along that she couldn't have kids. She says she thought he wouldn't marry her if he knew, and starts describing the first time they met each other at church...except, that wasn't the first time they met. Gene was always shy with girls, which is why he started going to a brothel, and that, in fact, is where he first met Betty. "I never met a girl who was nice to me like that!" Gene marvels. "And I didn't want to leave!" He was scared that he'd never see her again, and then when he saw her in church, he knew they were meant to be: "I never thought you were a good Christian girl. I just thought you were the love of my life." So...Betty feels like shit. But at least now everyone's cards are on the table? Maybe she could come to love him for real now that she's no longer keeping giant secrets from him? Or he could...learn how to do the things her girlfriend used to do?

So after Bill gets (a) fired and (b) a cautionary message from Austin, he wakes up to find Libby tensely smoking in the kitchen, and while my first thought is that Coral's just called up to quit, it turns out that Mrs. Greathouse called Libby to tell her all about Bill's termination for beating up his boss. WHOOPS. Libby starts shrieking about how sick she is of hearing about Bill's various career catastrophes from third parties, and that he has a family to support so maybe he should keep his priorities straight and quit dicking around with his precious study. But then BILL turns it around by having his own panic attack, sputtering that he knows he has to support Libby and Johnny and that he will, he will, she just has to trust him, and she's so unsettled by his loss of control that she immediately snaps out of her own little episode and says she believes him and that they'll be fine. These two are doing great. GOOD LUCK, JOHNNY!

Virginia puts Cal-o-Metric bottles away in the pantry and listens as Tessa tries to get Henry to give her the answers to her math homework. This gives Virginia the opportunity to give a whole speech about Tessa needing to count on herself, because everything that's worth having has to be acquired on your own. Is that how Virginia's gotten to where she is, the kids want to know? Virginia murmurs that she didn't always do everything for herself, but she does now. Way to make Virginia think that she couldn't trust other women to help her career by poisoning Lillian against her, Austin, you dumb fuck!

And then Bill is parking and walking into a whole new hospital, Buell Green, as we hear some kind of authority figure telling him how pleased they are to have him aboard...

...and Bill is stiffly replying that he and his "partner" are honoured to bring their work to Buell Green, so I guess Greathouse didn't have the ear of anyone on THIS hospital's staff! I can't wait for future episodes to explore how white obstetricians deliver babies like this...

...but black obstetricians deliver babies like this.