Let's Cast Match Game 2014!

There are a lot of reasons the Match Game reruns from the '70s still hold up like a motherfucker (and if you disagree that they do, I will fight you). The jokes are all (a) puns about (b) sex, neither of which belongs to any particular time period. Also, the prints and artificial fabrics of the participants' "fashions" draw/confound the eye, which is how one finds oneself stirring from a six-hour marathon, feeling as though lime-green tweed had imprinted itself on one's corneas. But the show's main, timeless draw is that funny people are even funnier when they've had a few, and on Match Game, every last person is sixteen sheets to the wind.

As I complained in the latest episode of the Extra Hot Great podcast, what game shows remain are adapted from European formats, and look it, with their chrome-and-blue studios and attitude of extreme self-seriousness. And yet, the trend in reality shows is to round up C- to G-list "celebrities" and put their lives in peril, whether by kind of teaching them how to dive, or placing them in close proximity to Donald Trump. But maybe if all they had to do was make wisecracks and get lit, a higher class of stars would give up a few hours of their time, and we would be far more entertained.

Canada has already figured out that this is a format deserving of a revival, and America should be next. I'll start the process off with some casting.

Back Row Left

Personality Profile: The occupant of this seat leads off the panelists' answers and eases us into the process by being funny, game, friendly, and not too wacky (or wasted).

Formerly Occupied By: David Doyle; Tom Poston; Bernie Kopell.

Next To Be Occupied By: Colin Hanks; Michael Urie; Taye Diggs; Harry Connick Jr.

Back Row Center

Personality Profile: This lady gets to be earthy and brassy, because she's flanked by a couple of dudes and has to hold her own!

Formerly Occupied By: Brett Somers.

Next To Be Occupied By: Kat Dennings; Mary-Elizabeth Ellis; Liza Lapira; Chelsea Peretti.

Back Row Right

Personality Profile: This guy is basically Back Row Center's boozier, bitchier sidekick; he's a little older and he doesn't give a fuuuuuuuck.

Formerly Occupied By: Charles Nelson Reilly.

Next To Be Occupied By: Nathan Lane; David Alan Grier; Leslie Jordan; Richard Simmons.

Front Row Left

Personality Profile: Here's the slot for the sexy lady who either is a likable ditz, or just plays one on TV.

Formerly Occupied By: Debralee Scott; Jo Ann Pflug.

Next To Be Occupied By: Casey Wilson; Jessica St. Clair; Ellie Kemper; Jenny Slate.

Front Row Center

Personality Profile: This is where you seat your mellow (well-lubricated), urbane, droll guy who's secretly kind of amazing at the game.

Formerly Occupied By: Richard Dawson.

Next To Be Occupied By: Nathan Fillion; James Lesure; John Slattery; Neil Patrick Harris.

Front Row Right

Personality Profile: The lady who occupies this seat is twinkly and fun and also right on point with the game.

Formerly Occupied By: Betty White.

Next To Be Occupied By: Yvette Nicole Brown; Amy Poehler; Megan Mullally; Julia Louis-Dreyfus.

Host

Personality Profile: This person has the difficult job of wrangling a couple of eager contestants and a panel of celebrities messed up on goof juice, while keeping the game going and conveying his or her disdain for the various participants' answers. It's not a gig for pushovers!

Formerly Occupied By: Gene Rayburn.

Next To Be Occupied By: Ben Schwartz; Rob Riggle; Retta; Jimmy Pardo.