Summer Cold

Time for a new season of Claire's Proof Of Love, where we take a close look at Modern Family to determine how much Claire (Julie Bowen) manages to convey, through physical contact, some amount of fondness for her husband, Phil (Ty Burrell). Unfortunately for Claire (or Phil, really), the fifth-season premiere didn't give us much evidence that Claire doesn't actually hate him.

In the first of the night's two episodes, Claire and Phil join forces to rearrange their children's schedules in a way that will get all three of them out of the house for a whole week. When she conceives of the plan that could actually make this happen, you'd think the couple might celebrate with a passionate kiss that presages the uninhibited sex that this will allow them to have all over the house and maybe even in the house -- but no, all we get is this appreciative look, from Claire, when Phil says he's not sure whether he loves how scared he is of Claire, or is scared of how much he loves her.

Later in the episode, she's so overcome by guilt at having schemed around behind Phil's back to arrange for his dad (Fred Willard) to invite Phil for a visit in the middle of their kid-free week so that she can have a couple of Phil-free days, she lets Phil forgivingly pull her into his lap.

Then it turns out that Phil schemed to have her mother suggest a visit during that week too, and the moment ends. At least parts of their bodies briefly touched each other, though.

Why aren't there any shots of Claire showing love in the second of the night's two episodes? Because Claire and Phil had one no-contact scene together and she spent it hating him for giving her a "Christopher Walken closet" bit to do on her first day at work that she ended up using anyway because she's not just awkward with Phil; she's awkward with EVERYONE. (I give Julie Bowen a lot of shit, and I stand by all of it, but seriously, NOW should be protesting ABC over this character every week.)