The Longer She Spends Away From Nashville, The Less Juliette Can Control Her Selfie

BREAKING: Woman Likes Dick, May Be Indifferent To Man Dick Belongs To

Alert Type: Sex-Positive Lady Alert.

Issue: Gunnar has successfully relocated Erin from a utility closet in Atlanta to his bed in Nashville.

Complicating Factors: Gunnar thinks this probably means they're going to become Facebook Official any minute, whereas the thought of starting a relationship with Gunnar seems not to have crossed Erin's mind at all. And when Gunnar finds an earring in his bed and decides it's a classic leave-behind cuing him to track down her number -- since she deliberately didn't give it to him -- he outlines all the contortions he went through to find her only to hear she wasn't wearing earrings the night before.

Resolution: After inviting Erin out to a show, which she attends for a second before going out with a bunch of her female friends. Later, she shows back up at Gunnar's to bone. Gunnar: "What is this?" Erin: "Fun!" Seriously, Gunnar. You met this girl yesterday; she doesn't need you to add her to your supermarket rewards card.

But Seriously: Erin is way too cool for the likes of Gunnar, who is still in love with Scarlett, as literally everyone knows.

Fan Duel

Considering how hard Juliette has been partying/mourning her dead marriage lately, she has a remarkably productive morning. She's already stared despondently at Avery's lawyer's card for a while, and then called him to say she agrees to all Avery's terms (something Avery, told the news on the phone, is absolutely astonished to hear), and then put on a hoodie and sunglasses to come down to the lobby in her hotel, probably on the hunt for more booze and/or drugs? As she crosses through trying to remain anonymous, she either hears or imagines the disapproving murmurs of everyone she passes -- "What's wrong with her?" this, "She's sick" that -- before all of a sudden a woman comes up on her left, phone at the ready, imposing herself on Juliette's personal space for a selfie. Of course a big star like Juliette has to oblige, right?

THAT'LL DO, JULIETTE. I think you just lost yourself a customer!

Dear Mister President, No One Should Accept Jeff's Premise That He's Doing Luke A Giant Favour By Handling Juliette. I Am Not A Crackpot!

After taking like ten minutes to pull Juliette off her I'm going to say probably former fan, Luke and Jeff meet with Gabriella to discuss the situation. Jeff talked to the would-be selfist and got her assurance that she won't press charges against Juliette, but Gabriella points out that it's 2015 (I'm paraphrasing) and that since everyone else in the vicinity also captured the assault on their phones, it's still going to get out. Also, remember LUKE'S LIFESTYLE BRAND? Haha, I'm kidding how could you possibly forget something so FASCINATING and CONSEQUENTIAL TO THE PLOT? Well, the latest on Luke's Lifestyle Brand is that Gabriella's set up a bunch more meetings with wholesome family companies, and since Juliette is on Luke's label, they're not going to like the association. But Jeff thinks he can get out ahead of the story and minimize the damage, and after Luke storms out, Jeff tells Gabriella what he wants in return for fixing this: for Luke to make him CEO of the label. Gabriella is dubious for the same reasons she was yesterday, to which Jeff shrugs that he could just spend the day with Layla and let the Juliette chips fall where they may, but whatever, it's up to her!

Hey, just an observation: Jeff is still Juliette's manager, right? She didn't freak out and fire him in a scene I forgot? So if he's still Juliette's manager, isn't handling this crisis exactly what he should be doing regardless of whose label she's on? Why is Jeff acting like doing this would be a giant fucking favour to Gabriella, and why is she going along with it? Get to earning your 15%, Jeff: this is your job! I am not a crackpot.

Markus vs. Rayna

Sure, Markus reacted to the first bit of constructive criticism Avery gave him by firing him, but now that he's decided what he needs is the hands-on production expertise of his fairly reluctant label head, he's definitely going to be more receptive to Rayna's notes, right? Wrong! When Rayna brings the girls by to hear Markus's extremely boring song, Maddie's reaction is to comment that it sounds like Boulevard, Markus's old band. So Rayna makes a few tweaks to the arrangement and gets Markus to quit sulking with his phone long enough to listen to the new intro...but that's as far as he's willing to go. He stops the band before his vocals even come in and petulantly shrugs that he's "just not feeling it." Rayna, not having been present when Markus turned on Avery, suggests that he just sing it through once and see how he feels, but he refuses. Rayna says she knows it's not what Markus is used to, but that he shouldn't be "afraid of that," to which Markus instantly yips, "I'm not afraid." Rayna says that's the wrong word, and that they should try a bunch of different stuff. Markus says that's fine, but that what's happening now is not a collaboration: "You put that whole arrangement together without even asking me!" Maybe she was right in the first place when she said that her producing him was a bad idea. Rayna, shocked, says she's doing what he wanted her to do, and Markus snits, "No, that's when I thought you got me, Rayna! You don't!" It's really a shame James van der Beek is already on CSI: Cyber, because if this character isn't the country dilettante Dawson Leery, I don't know who is. Long story short: Rayna's out as producer.

Winner: Markus.

Love Wins. Or, If Not Love, Whatever This Is.

Layla's super-excited to spend the day with her wonderful boyfriend Jeff...when he comes in to tell her he actually has to spend the day putting out Juliette fires instead. (Not literally.) (Though the day is still young!) Layla is predictably sulky about it -- until she notices scratches on Jeff's arm and assumes he's sleeping with Juliette again, which if Juliette were not in the middle of a pretty serious mental breakdown would be funny -- but Jeff actually has some interesting facts to append to his bad news: if he succeeds, he'll get to be Luke's CEO. "So you won't be my manager either?" Layla comments -- there's that Harvard education popping up again! "No, I won't," says Jeff, "which will make things a lot less complicated when you move in with me." Smooooooth. Layla's mood immediately snaps into exuberance, and now that he's fixed everything, she gleefully sends him on his way! These two sure are on their way to stability and happiness now! FULL STEAM AHEAD FOR THE S.S. JEFFLA!

Get Back To Work, Crybaby

Despite the fact that she's fired as his producer, Rayna finds Markus pouting at a pinball machine to talk about what just happened. Rayna explains that she pursued him for Highway 65 because she "heard the storyteller in [his] music," and that she wants to connect his voice to the audience. Markus snaps that they both know she wanted to sign him because she couldn't sign any big country acts, to which Rayna sharply says he needed her, too: he's already got a reputation for being "difficult, arrogant, abrasive," all of which qualities are on ample display at the moment. Markus crabs that maybe they should just cut ties, then, but Rayna won't let him quit: "You're lashing out because you're questioning everything, and you're doubting it, and I get it: you're scared. But we have the opportunity to do something special here. I wish you would trust me on this." Markus seems willing to be persuaded as he tells Rayna that he's not hearing what she's hearing in the song...

...so Rayna brings him back out to where the girls are to ask if they'll sing the Boulevard song they sang at the last school talent show. "Oh," bitches Maddie, still smarting from the loss of her phone as punishment for singing with Juliette in Atlanta. (What would Rayna have taken away if she knew Maddie and Colt had Done Sex?!) "So NOW you want me to sing." But Rayna doesn't have time to deal with that because then Daphne announces that she doesn't really feel like singing and takes off. Hey, CAN EVERYONE JUST DO WHAT THEY'RE HERE TO DO and quit being such fucking divas about it? Rayna has a label to run into the ground already!

Drawer Full Of Failure

The Scene: Deacon's out at a memorial for Beverly at The Landslide, the bar where she performed every week -- or, as Scarlett put it, "just a sad lounge where none of Mama's dreams came true" -- while Scarlett drifts around Beverly's apartment, checking to make sure she and Deacon haven't left anything important behind.

The Symbol: A rejection letter from Arista Tarist Records, accompanied by a Beverly cassingle, and headshot...

...and a shitload more rejection letters.

The Meaning: Beverly aggressively and passionately pursued her dream of a music career: she wasn't just a sadsack loser envious of Scarlett's success.

Folsom Prison Blues

Who's causing a family crisis? Well, Teddy is -- but it's manifesting through Daphne at the moment.

How? She tells Rayna the reason she hasn't been so excited about music lately because of those shitty girls she overheard in the ladies' room at school after she and Maddie sang the Boulevard song at the talent show, saying that Maddie and Daphne should be embarrassed that their dad is a jailbird.

Which relatives have a problem with it? Rayna, who doesn't bother being heartbroken for Daphne, jumping straight ahead to the very salient point that people will always be negative, but that their reactions can't stop Daphne making art that makes her happy.

Spoiler: The girl who should be Daphne's biggest ally right now is too deep in her own teen drama to be helpful or empathetic or kind. I'll say it now in case I forget later: shut up, Maddie. (I won't forget later.)

Next Stop: The CMGays

Will having apologized to Kevin for being rude about songwriting and explained that the thought of giving Luke his song to record makes him feel like he's giving up his real dream of getting back on the stage as a singer himself, Kevin's gotten him on the bill at a showcase that very night! It's Will's first big performance since coming out, and...maybe too soon!

Photo Finish

Operation Get Out Ahead Of Juliette's Bad Press Commences! Just a few hours after the first bystanders' phone footage has been reported on TV, the victim of Juliette's assault has come out to make an official statement. To wit: "What happened this morning with Ms. Barnes was my fault. I have been stalking her for weeks, seeking her out at hotels and venues, invading her privacy. Today, I took my harassment too far, provoking her verbally and physically. Juliette Barnes is a role model for young women everywhere, and I am sorry for any negative attention I may have brought upon her by my behaviour." Avery, watching at home, is alarmed by one member of the alleged stalker's entourage.

While Jeff handles this, Juliette is still locked up in her hotel room (alone, unattended, drinking and both swallowing and snorting pills), and the young woman who dared to like Juliette enough to want to take a photo with her has publicly destroyed her reputation -- probably for a fat envelope of hush money, but still.

Barnes Storming

Who's causing a family crisis? Juliette.

How? Having what seems like a really bad case of postpartum depression that she's self-medicating in extremely unhealthy ways?

Which relatives have a problem with it? Avery, whose immediate reaction to this farce of a press conference is to call Jeff and demand to know exactly what's happening with Juliette and why she's not getting help. Jeff's somewhat reasonable response is to remind Avery that he left Juliette, which may be affecting to her current state of mind.

Who's an unlikely ally? An unlikely ally to Jeff -- his replacement -- is Glenn. Avery tears over to Glenn's house in a state, demanding to know how Glenn is going to help and reminding Glenn that he's like a father to Juliette. Glenn is, of course, upset about Juliette, but he tells Avery that, as hard as it is, the best thing for Avery is to cut himself off emotionally: "It doesn't matter how much you care about her if she doesn't care about herself."

Spoiler: Juliette's not going to get better locked in her room with booze and pills and regrets.

FINALLY

While Rayna was off reassuring Daphne that she shouldn't give up music just because of a couple of little bitches at her school, Maddie was singing her country take on that Boulevard song and convincing him that Rayna was right that he should give her ideas a shot. GOOD, SOMEONE DECIDED TO BE A PROFESSIONAL FOR TEN MINUTES IN A ROW.

Luke Wheeler's Lifestyle Brand, Now Fully Funded!

Also Jeff Gets The CEO Job

Way to go, Gabriella, I guess. I do not care about this story, and I venture to say, dear reader, neither do you.

Love Wins, Except This Time

Kevin finds Will in the alley, drinking and feeling sorry for himself after that encounter with his militant gay fan base of that one guy. Kevin knew that would and did send Will into a tailspin, and Will "rises" to the occasion, moping that this is how people see him now and that he can look forward to "a lifetime of playing gay pride parades?" UM, HAS WILL BEEN TO A PRIDE PARADE?! They are super-fun and he could definitely do worse! Kevin curtly says that Will is being a little dramatic (and a little drunk-matic -- that's me saying it, not Kevin), but Will says he isn't: "My dream is dead." Kevin asks what he's supposed to say, and Will sputters, "Don't say anything! Which is what I should have done. I mean, if I hadn't opened my damn mouth at that press conference, none of this would even be happening!" Finally, Kevin decides he has better things to do than hold Will's hand as he tiptoes out of the closet -- particularly since Will keeps snatching his hand away and blaming Kevin for having had a different, more truthful life than Will has for a thousand reasons, none of which is Kevin's fault -- and states, "I can't keep doing this with you. We're done." John, I sincerely hope Will does some world-class groveling when you are back in this seat two weeks from now!

Sister Act

What's the occasion? Well...Beverly's passing, unfortunately.

What are the refreshments? Booze; club soda for Deacon; fond reminiscences of what a great friend and singer Beverly was.

Who will everyone be talking about tomorrow? Scarlett -- who, despite telling Deacon she wasn't going to go, shows up at The Landslide after finding Beverly's sheaf of rejection letters wanting to be with him. Scarlett lets Deacon introduce her around, and hears how much Beverly bragged on her to her friends. At the end of the night, Scarlett takes the stage to sing the song with which Beverly always closed her shows:

The curtains will close
The lights will go dim
And I'll change my clothes
For the last time, my friend
Gather my roses
Swallow your tears
For I may be leaving
But at least I was here

So I'm closing my eyes
And I'll picture your face
This beautiful life
Did not go to waste

Deacon closes his eyes, and when he opens them, it's Beverly on stage, looking serene and happy on stage as she performs for her affectionate fans. It's a little cheesy, but it's also very sweet; the event seems to help Scarlett and Deacon both feel more at peace with the loss of Beverly, and I hope it means we're about to be on the other side of Deacon's self-recriminations and guilt.

Rayna having successfully managed to get Markus to sing his new song through at least once -- a triumph!!! -- with Markus crediting Maddie for playing that Boulevard song in a way that made him understand country music better, Rayna brings the girls home and pointedly asks Maddie whether she can't see the difference between what she just did with Markus and what she did with Juliette the previous night. "No." - Maddie. Shut up, Maddie. Rayna, trying to change it up and appeal to her as a fellow musician, she explains, "What you did today was your interpretation of his song. It was from you, it was from your heart. What you did last night was something else. It was not reflective of you or who you want to be." "Whatever you say, Mom," says Maddie, preparing to flounce off, but Rayna calls her back to tell her Daphne's been having a tough time: "I think she really wanted to sing with you today." Maddie whines that she had no way of knowing Daphne was going to change her mind, and Rayna says she knows that; she's just telling her now so she can try to be "more considerate of her feelings." "Why should I care what you want," drawls Maddie, "when you do not care what I want?" And then Maddie stomps out, before Rayna can tear out Maddie's weave for her. SHUT UP, MADDIE, OH MY GOD.

In the truck on the way out of Natchez, Scarlett tells Deacon that she now understands Beverly was proud of her all along, and says she's going to go on tour with Gunnar. She doesn't say that one of the conditions she intends to add to her contract is that Gunnar take care of his stupid hair before they leave, which she will probably regret.

While Luke et al goof around at his stupid lifestyle brand party, Juliette rocks back and forth and cries in her hotel room, finally locating her phone on the floor and texting Avery that she's sorry. Given how many typos my completely sober thumbs routinely make, I am amazed she gets "I'm sorry" out with no errors...

...but it doesn't matter, because Avery's taken Glenn's advice: not only doesn't he respond to Juliette's text; he also deletes her from his contacts. He understands that won't delete HIM from HERS, though, right?

With Scarlett fully sleeping right beside him in the passenger seat, Deacon calls his sponsor about that bar! He's got some ideas on how to shore it up, and he wants to invest! I guess he's putting in his own money so that he can convince his soon-to-be partner to rename it The Beverly! Two alcoholics running a bar named for her? I'm sure the woman who died donating part of her liver to her brother after he drank it into uselessness would consider that a beautiful tribute!

After thanking Gabriella for keeping her word, Jeff notices a clearly inebriated Juliette picking her way through this rooftop bar, but just...watches her? Seriously, IS HE STILL HER MANAGER?!

Luke walks Gabriella to her room and marvels that she's actually not going to invite him in! She repeats that she doesn't mix business and pleasure, to which Luke immediately responds that she's fired! It's okay, he'll hire her back in the morning! HILARIOUS! Also I haven't seen chemistry this hot since Gunnar and Zoey, the latter such a non-entity that I literally just had to search Chaley Rose on IMDb to remind me what her character name even was!

Colt is lying in bed trying not to barf from the bottle he just stole from the bar at Luke's party when Maddie calls! She took Daphne's phone! But Colt can't talk because he needs to go get some air! Is this the kind of show that would have him barf off a balcony? (Why are so many of these actors' emotional reactions so close to barf?)

And then Colt looks down and sees Juliette lurching along to the extremely unsafe edge of the roof.

As Juliette looks across the street to the ironically-placed billboard for her own tour, the sounds of strangers' hateful chatter starts up again...and through it, she can vaguely make out the sound of someone calling her name! It's Jeff, from a VERY long way away considering that it was at least several minutes since he saw her staggering along the edge of the party. "Don't do this, please," says Jeff, REALLY not loud enough. But I guess he can run faster than he can yell loudly, because then...

OH SHIT QUICK SOMEONE TELL LAYLA TO CANCEL THOSE MOVERS!!!