The Good Wife Gets Schooled -- For-Profit-Schooled, That Is

A Loan Again, Naturally

Sticky Buns And Sticky Fingers

Cary vs. Howard

As soon as Cary's seen Ronnie's assistant remove several items from Ronnie's shelf lest Cary pocket them, Cary figures out what has happened, and storms into Howard's office to accuse him of having told Ronnie that Cary went to prison. This may be an extremely unfair accusation given that Cary's legal issues last season went on for A WHILE and were, presumably, covered in the local press, so that Ronnie could have come by this knowledge any number of ways. But, hee hee, Howard did tell Ronnie in order to undermine Cary, and obviously it worked. Screaming ensues.

Winner: Howard.

Posing as the representative of a debt brokerage, Jason goes to APY, the loan company whose representative Bob Bondi has been harassing Maggie, to ask manager Nelson Olstead about its business practices. Does Nelson ever double-dip any of these accounts? (No -- although what's he gonna say?) And what's up with that office in Michigan? Nelson says there isn't an office in Michigan. Hmm, then why does Jason have a cancelled cheque made out to APY that was sent to Michigan and cashed in the state? Nelson sure has no idea!

So Jason goes back to Alicia's apartment, where Maggie and Lucca are just hanging out, apparently, to ask whether the address she mails her cheques to recently changed. Maggie says it has, and that she still has the voicemail alerting her to the change. When she plays it for everyone, they can all tell the voice isn't the same as the one that's been calling and being abusive. Jason tells Maggie that person is a "scam artist" (I feel like "artist" is giving him a little too much credit for the craft and style he's brought to this operation) who either hacked APY or bought her loan records...and since she fell for it, legally she does still owe APY $8000. Maggie shits a brick, because she cannot pay it again.

SPEAKING OF MONEY: it's at this point that Grace calls Alicia out to talk about how they have none. She thinks Alicia should be charging $200 an hour, not $150, so that they can, like, pay bills and stuff. She mentions the Chagall case from the season premiere, for which Alicia got paid $4000, whereas if she'd been working on contingency she could have made $500,000. Alicia says that's true, but that the rules around working on contingency for probate cases are strict. The cases that are coming through the door are just small. Grace asks if there's a way to make those small cases big, and instead Alicia telling her to mind her own and file something until she's actually gone to law school herself, she looks across the apartment at at Maggie...and then asks Grace to get her everything she can on Colosseum University, of which Maggie is a graduate: it's a for-profit university, and it's about to be sold, which could mean money for Alicia!

So Alicia and Lucca present their new strategy to Maggie: Colosseum, a for-profit school, has been subject to dozens of complaints to the attorney general's office. Plus Maggie borrowed money to pay for an education that ended up being worthless in that it didn't lead to a job, as she had been promised it would. Lucca and Alicia would like Maggie to let them sue the school on her behalf, and it won't cost her anything: they're going to do it on contingency. Hey, Grace accidentally did something useful!

And then what is apparently a few minutes later, Alicia and Lucca are sitting down with Graham Stenborg, the president of Colosseum. Alicia comes in way too hot with talk of the empty promises Maggie fell for and what the school owes her now, and Stenborg relishes responding by asking where she went to school (Georgetown) and whether they taught her to read there. Academiburn! Turns out Maggie signed a contract when she enrolled that contained an arbitration clause -- a recourse that Maggie only has one more month to exercise. Bad lawyers or bad client? Maybe both! So far the only one who is really bringing anything to the table is Jason, frankly.

The Tragedy Of Lonel-Eli-ness

Eli's already had an explosive reaction to an interview in which Peter while IN IOWA claimed he's not actually running for President but that as a governor he thinks there needs to be a conversation about rolling back pensions, and that "unions have far too much control in this country" -- like, guffawing at the TV in front of half a dozen staffers in the governor's office when the interviewer says Peter sounds like Marco Rubio -- so Eli's pretty psyched when, just as Eli's looking at a savage blog post about it...

...Peter comes back raging. Eli pulls his desk and several reams of paper over to the wall so he can press his ear to the vent as Peter yelps that "it's a nightmare!" and she tries to soothe him by saying that "everything is under control." Eli's confident enough in Ruth's utter failure to drag his furniture away from the door to stride into Peter's office and save the day.

But Ruth and Peter ignore Eli completely. I mean, they don't even glance over at him; it's like he's a ghost. And Peter's about to be very glad he didn't turn his head slightly to the left: Ruth hands him some research that indicates he's in second place, and climbing. "You're not selling yourself to the press, Mr. Governor," says Ruth. "They want to embrace you anyway. We're going right to the people. Yes, you're saying controversial things; yes, it's the same strategy as the Republicans'. But it's working and you're winning!"

But can this possibly be real? I mean, I know that in this universe Hillary Clinton is running, but is Bernie Sanders? Because he's doing pretty well, and not on a platform that apes the Republicans'. BUT NEVER MIND THAT: my real point is that Eli is breaking my heart and I'm still pretty sure Peter is going to live to regret underrating him.

This Old Argument Again

Partly to keep the noise level down in the office and partly because she knows for sure that Howard is building an ageism case against the firm and wants to avoid getting sued, Diane convenes a mediation session for Howard and Cary to hash out some of their issues. It doesn't start out super-great.

A New Job You Should Get, Nu?

Alert Type: Tough Love Alert.

Issue: Since an earlier attempt by Marissa to talk some sense into Eli over his ongoing obsession with Peter's campaign -- telling him in so many words "This is an intervention" -- came to nothing, she's coming at it from another angle: she's lined him up a chat with an Eyal Naftali, who's the Chief of Staff to Israel's Communications Minister; he's running for the Knesset now, and intends to run for Prime Minister in a few years. (Marissa met his daughter when they were both in the IDF.)

Complicating Factors: Other than the fact that Eli doesn't want to do it? He's already got a job. So Marissa goes to Alicia and asks her to fire Eli, for his own good.

Resolution: Alicia does fire Eli. (When he immediately asks whether she talked to Marissa, she lies that she didn't.)

Spoiler: Even at this low moment in his life, Eli never stops seeing opportunities to screw over Ruth.

Every Day He's Hustlin'

Alicia and Lucca's arbitration hearing isn't going great: though they scored a victory on a Periodontics instructor who couldn't answer a question on her own final and it was multiple choice, they're having a hard time pinning responsibility for graduates' failure to end up in the careers they trained for. So Alicia calls Jason -- in Michigan, where he's found the since-abandoned office where the scammer was getting cheques sent (and taken a couple) -- to say what she really needs from him is to find proof that CU officers lie to students. It doesn't take long for him to do!

So Alicia, on Jason's advice, puts Randy on the stand -- which is helpful because it lets the show explain what the school's aggressive recruitment of veterans actually means. The "90/10" rule is a federal law prohibiting for-profit educational institutions from receiving more than 90% of revenue from student aid; the other 10% is students' private funds. But money veterans get from the GI Bill is "counted as private money on the 10% side." Maggie is a veteran, and students in her situation can go to Colosseum without paying any of their own money out of pocket, which is probably why Randy received an email last year urging him and other admissions officers to recruit veterans at VA hospitals and Wounded Warrior centres. Alicia's perception is that Randy and his colleagues trick veterans who aren't actually qualified for the programs they're enrolling in to take out loans they won't be able to repay, which...seems like it's probably the case? Randy, on Carter's cross, characterizes the situation as Colosseum giving a chance at education to students who wouldn't be able to get in anywhere else...which to me suggests that he and Alicia don't really disagree about the calibre of graduate Colosseum turns out.

Items Left In Howard's Office -- By, He Says, The Associates Who Are Taking Cues From The Climate Cary Has Established -- That Convince Diane To Schedule Sensitivity Training

Tiny Violin Just Got Tinier

Carter Schmidt, the lawyer representing CU, puts Maggie on the stand to ask her about her experience as a student at the school, starting with: would she say she's a good student? She says she did her best. Carter condescendingly says that's what we all aim to do...and then asks whether she thinks part of being a good student involves showing up to class. Uh oh, he has her attendance records, which show she missed 2/3 of her classes. And that's where she loses my empathy forever: why are you even in school if you're only going one-third of the time?! Well, she says, she had to work a lot. Did she buy textbooks for her classes? Nope! So aside from tuition, what did she spend her loan money on? "They told me I could use that money for living expenses." Maggie seems to have interpreted "living expenses" to mean "her credit card." Yikes. Afterward Alicia doesn't even seem like she cares to spin this shit. "He made it sound really bad," Maggie whines, back in Alicia's office. "That's because it is really bad, Maggie," says Alicia -- and not in all-caps, like I would have.

Labouring Under Delusions?

After Maggie explains about how her lack of attendance and failure to buy textbooks did not, in fact, mean she was shafting herself out of an education -- she shared notes and got PDFs of the textbooks from the other members of her study group -- Alicia has them all over to her place to talk about their also apparently pretty bad experiences at Colosseum. Eli, on his way out from getting fired by Alicia, pauses in the doorway as Alicia tells the other students that, unfortunately, because of the contracts they signed, they're enjoined from bringing a class action lawsuit. But Eli has an alternative: a debt strike! It's already going on at Corinthian College, he says!

And the next day, Alicia and Lucca present Stenborg with a list of 350 students who are prepared to go on a debt strike, which is probably going to look real bad in the middle of the proposed Colosseum sale. For the first time, it seems, Colosseum's listening!

Shut Up, Old People

I'm pretty sure my reaction to the sensitivity training Diane lines up isn't to get even more entrenched in my view that old people should not work outside the home. But seeing these lawyers try to get a sense of what it's like to be eighty by blocking one nostril with a cotton ball, putting on treated glasses, and filling their shoes with popcorn kernels has exactly that effect. Shut up, Howard, and shut up, old people. "But Tara, you'll be old someday -- won't you want to be treated with empathy?" Don't worry about me: I'll definitely be dead.

Ruth vs. Eli

Well, here's where we see why Eli gave Alicia that whole debt strike idea: Alicia's standing beside Peter at a campaign event while Peter stays on Ruth's new message with regard to unions, all "If we're going to stay competitive in a global economy, then I think we have to look beyond the standard management/labour--" Suddenly, Ronnie Erickson from the Food Union comes out of the crowd to ask Alicia whether she agrees with Peter on this. Alicia crisply says does: "I think creative solutions are essential." Ronnie presses that this means she's against unions, to which Alicia says she's not, but that she agrees with Peter that government should be looking for ways to avoid strikes. "Then what do you think of your wife's debt strike, Mr. Governor?" Ronnie asks. Peter:

Ruth tries to pull Peter away, but Ronnie's not done, informing Peter about the Colosseum debt strike, apparently for the very first time. "I support my wife," says Peter, looking exhausted. "Even though she's unionizing?" snaps Ronnie. "You are organizing a strike, aren't you, Mrs. Florrick." Alicia claims attorney-client privilege, and finally Ruth pulls the Florricks away, Ronnie yelling after them about their hypocrisy.

And then Ruth is storming into Eli's "office" accusing him of giving Alicia the debt strike idea (fair cop): "Peter can't be saying 'vote for me' in one breath and 'don't worry about paying back the federal government' in the next!" "Oh, you know you're right," muses Eli. "I didn't think of that. I guess he won't want to choose between alienating the unions or business interests either." "You're killing Peter's campaign!" hisses Ruth. Eli: "No, I'm not, I'm not RUNNING Peter's campaign!"

And then Eli calls Mr. Naftali: he's considered the offer, but he's going to stay where he is. "Two feet from Peter's office when he realizes he actually does need me," he does not add.

Winner: Eli.

Jason has gone to look for Molly Tuff, of CU's class of 2013, who'd sent one of the loan payments he scooped up from the scammer's original fake address; she's agog when he returns it to her because she never has luck like this. In fact, she says, they just called her yesterday with a NEW address. Hey, can Jason get that from her?

And then Jason's staking out a Michigan Mail Store, doing a crossword. Before long, a punk kid rolls in to pick up his mail.

And then Jason's following that longhair home and appearing at his front door with a tire iron in his hand. I'm not going to say Jeffrey Dean Morgan's a great actor or anything, but that face made me laugh out loud for real.

Alicia's just finished responding to Eli's insubordinate refusal to accept her firing him with a shrug to find Carter at the door: Colosseum University is suing Alicia and Lucca for tortious interference! Well, that's sub-optimal!

Alicia, Lucca, and Jason discuss their new lawsuit threat: Lucca thinks a judge will knock it down, but Alicia's not so sure. She thinks this means they need to de-escalate, but Lucca and Jason disagree, with Jason offering actual solid information to support this action other than just blind aggression: "The debt strike is working; Colosseum stock is falling." Lucca says that Colosseum hasn't been willing to back down so far, but Alicia wonders, "What if it was someone they cared about even more who was applying the pressure?"

And apparently Lucca and (mostly) Jason are right, because next we see Alicia and Lucca sitting down with Stenborg and Carter again. Carter would like to know if they're aware of "the shareholder derivative suit" that's been filed against Colosseum. Alicia smoothly says they aren't, but guesses "the theory is that Colosseum's predatory recruitment tactics are a violation of the school's fiduciary duty towards its shareholders?" Carter: "Uncanny." Lucca recaps the many fronts on which Colosseum is fighting and that if both of those aren't dealt with, Colosseum is also going to face a federal investigation that will revoke the school's right to receive federal funds. And then, it's crazy, but Stenborg is suddenly ready to deal after all!

And then Jason's showing up at Alicia's with a fat envelope: it's Maggie's original $8000, which started all of this. Alicia asks how he got it. "I persuaded him," grins Jason. "How?" asks Alicia. "By being persuasive," says Jason. Alicia surmises that he's not going to tell her, but Jason says he'll tell her anything she wants to know. Alicia sighs, "At the end of the day, I'm so tired, sometimes I can't think straight." "That is why I drink," murmurs Jason, setting up Alicia and her giant glass of wine for a perfect opener that I, for one, have been waiting three episodes for.