Battle Of The Blonde Cons

Which was the first to get pinched?

First: no disrespect to Rectify, a tremendous, heartbreaking, beautiful series about the prison experience the series premiere of which predated both Orange Is The New Black and the latest season of Justified. It's not part of this discussion because it featured zero cute blondes, but it's great: please watch the first season (which is widely available to stream) and make a note to tune in for the Season 2 premiere when the show returns to Sundance on June 19.

That said: Orange Is The New Black's first season hit Netflix last July; Ava didn't end up in the joint until the fifth-season premiere of Justified in January.

Winner: Piper.

Which did the worse crime?

Though I'm not a wild-eyed libertarian or anything, it's hard even for my teetotaling ass to get that exercised about most drug-related crimes. Key word: "most": smuggling, for which Piper was tried and convicted, is kind of a different story.

Ava did murder a guy and tried to arrange the murder of someone else, but that's not what she got arrested for: evidence-tampering, corpse-desecrating, and justice-obstructing are all a lot less glamorous than moving drug money over international borders while wearing fun costumes and wigs.

Winner: Piper.

Which has more non-sexual fun in prison?

After a rough start (lesson learned: never make fun of the food in prison because you never know if you're denigrating it to the lady who made it, and you could end up with bloody feminine products in your meals for, like, days), Piper's prison experience ends up seeming like summer camp with suuuuuuuper-strict rules. There are visits from loved ones, crafts projects (making soothing lotions), a canteen where you can buy sundries -- even a talent show!

Ava tries to challenge the hierarchy of power in her unit and ends up fatally shivving another inmate. There are no talent shows -- and no, her impromptu oratory in the yard doesn't count.

Winner: Piper.

Yeah, okay, which actually gets laid in prison?

Because it's on a regular non-pay cable channel, Justified can't show us all the ins and outs (hee hee) of single-sex incarceration. Other than an expression of interest from a fellow inmate (and an attempted sexual assault by a guard), Ava's time Inside doesn't actually feature anyone getting Inside anyone else...

...but Piper gets reunited with her bitter ex, and while the two of them aren't exactly on friendly terms at the start of the season, they come around. OH THEY COME ALLLLLLLL THE WAY AROUND! (They have sex.)

Winner: Piper.

Who's less annoying about her situation?

Piper is, admittedly, kind of annoying as an inmate insofar as she is a pretty white lady and her incarceration is one of the few actually bad things that's ever happened to her -- in addition to which it didn't exactly happen to her; she did bring it on herself. But she learns fairly quickly how to adapt to her circumstances and quit treating every setback like it's the end of the world.

Ava not only behaves as though the surprise shank bob imposed on her is on par with getting stabbed in the neck, but breaks the cardinal rule of prison by drawing attention to herself by trying to take over the drug business in her institution (and failing, by the way). When we come to the point where she's trying to get Raylan to spring her, he seems sick of her drama-queeny bullshit and this viewer most definitely was. LOOK AVA, I DON'T WANT TO GO TO PRISON EITHER, BUT THAT'S WHY I NEVER MOVED A CORPSE.

Winner: Piper.

Verdict

Full disclosure: my friends Stephen Falk and Sara Hess write on Orange Is The New Black, but even if I had no indirect connection to the show, this battle is easy to settle. Orange is as smart and unpredictable as any new show last year, whereas Ava's whole prison saga dragged Season 5 down so determinedly that just writing this made me mad at it all over again. At least now she's out, and she had better stay out.

Winner: Piper.