Battle Of The Celebrity Pitchmoms

Who is endorsing the more glamorous product?

Well, Tina Fey's promoting American Express, the credit card so exclusive that they make you pay to have it every year and lots of merchants don't take it!

Julie Bowen's trying to sell you tires. [shrug]

Winner: Fey. Whatever I may personally think about Amex being kind of a racket, I do have one, and...come on. Tires? Who gives a shit.

Whose styling is cuter?

Though I admire Fey's smart white trench coat before whichever one of her kids smears chocolate ice cream all over it, the rest of the ad shows her dressing basically like Liz Lemon/me: striped long-sleeved t-shirts, jeans, big scarves.

But Bowen looks like every "casual mom on the go" mannequin What Not To Wear ever styled, in a good way: classic jean jacket, skinny cropped military pants, and those chunky-heeled ankle boots I have been thinking about getting for about the past two years. It's simple but chic and, in my personal case, aspirational.

Winner: Bowen.

Who's a better TV mom?

Since the time we've known Julie Bowen's Modern Family character, Claire Dunphy, she's been making sure we know how much she hates everything about her life, from her goofy dork of a husband to her inevitably disappointing kids. Has she ever said more than two nice things about any of them in any given episode? Seriously, Claire Dunphy Moments Of Kindness would be the shortest supercut ever.

Liz Lemon may have only gotten to be a mother for the last fleeting minutes of 30 Rock, but she spent the whole run of the show wanting to be one.

Winner: Fey, the one whose character became a mother intentionally and not (we may reasonably surmise) accidentally and then, forever after, resentfully.

Who's more likable in her ad?

The premise of Fey's ad -- that various little setbacks in her life let her rack up reward points or whatever -- lets her make fun of herself while also showing how easily she bounces back. Eating potpourri? Treating chin acne? The aforementioned trench coat tragedy? Eh, all in a day. Fey just sniffs some dryer sheets and it's Move On Dot Org.

Across the country, Julie Bowen tries to get one of her apparently many kids to a birthday party, in a frantic rush, with the assistance of a whole team of tire engineers (including Brian Huskey, who deserves better). When she manages to forget the kid, she blames Huskey.

Winner: Fey.

Who's more likable in real life?

Look, I will be honest: as much as I love 30 Rock (a lot!) and enjoy most of Fey's work, there have been times over recent years when I have wished the world didn't keep throwing her and Amy Poehler together, because Amy Poehler is perfect and Fey -- while very talented -- is just not as cool.

But it's one thing to be less cool than Amy Poehler, because that lady sets a standard NO ONE could meet. Julie Bowen WISHES anyone compared her to Amy Poehler, even unfavourably, or thought of them in the same sentence ever. Actually, she probably doesn't, because she doesn't realize how cool Amy Poehler is, because JULIE BOWEN SUCKS. Here is just one of literally countless examples to prove it -- check out her undermining of her co-star and spouse and...well, just watch it.

...Okay, one more.

Winner: Fey.

Verdict

The best thing I can say for Julie Bowen is that watching her on a talk show makes Anne Hathaway seem down-to-earth. And watching her try to sell me tires makes me want to set my car on fire and never drive again. (On the real, though: I hate her enough that I am swearing off Bridgestone tires forever and I am not kidding. I never went back to The Olive Garden and even though they're using a soundalike now, I STILL WON'T.)

Winner: Feeeeeeeeeeeeeey.