BREAKING: Amber Met A Basset Hound!

Checked Mate

Can Someone Please Kick Crosby In His Other Ribs?

Alert Type: Petulant Manchild Alert.

Issue: After the way Crosby peeled out of the driveway on his motorcycle in the middle of the night in the last episode, Jasmine has acquired a boot and put it on his front wheel, because she would prefer it if he didn't use it to widow her and orphan their children.

Complicating Factors: Crosby's acting out on his crotch rocket is but one facet of whatever crisis he's going through, and chances are he'll find other ways to disappoint Jasmine even without access to his motorcycle.

Resolution: Crosby bonds with Zeek over the way their wives are cramping their vehicular style (since Zeek still hasn't been cleared to drive again, and Camille is apparently a terrible driver), and offers to take Zeek to his next PT appointment and spend the rest of the day after that hanging out with him.

Spoiler: Crosby might be so upset by seeing Zeek at this PT appointment that he...finds other ways to disappoint Jasmine even without access to his motorcycle.

You're Out

At a family barbecue at Adam and Kristina's, Max announces to his gathered male relatives that he likes a girl (though not that she doesn't know this yet and that his liking so far has resulted in nothing but stalking), and since this is something no one expected would ever happen for Max, everyone is psyched. Inappropriately. Zeek: "In my experience, the Braverman libido, the virility, the-- the sexual attraction is a very hard thing to contain. It's just going to pop out at her." Crosby: "First base: kissy-kissy! Second base: touchy-touchy! Third base: feely-feely, little more kissy-kissy down south. And then home! Is here comes Max and a baby carriage." Guys, THIS IS TOO MUCH FOR MAX CONSIDERING HE PROBABLY IS NOT EVEN INTERESTED IN HOLDING DYLAN'S HAND. Can everyone please stop high-fiving about the idea that Max might get his dick wet someday? THANKS.

"I Like A Girl" Is Not License To Spy On Her

Who called the meeting? Adam and Kristina.

What's it about? Managing Max's expectations with regard to the likelihood of Dylan returning his affections. To wit: Kristina's already against Dylan based on the terrible first impression Dylan made (viz "Asperger's," a nickname she continues to use), and wants to protect Max from what she's pretty sure is inevitable heartbreak.

How'd it go? Depends on who you ask! Adam and Kristina start by positing that the degree to which people like each other doesn't always line up. If you think of it as a five-point scale, Max might like someone at a 5, and he or she might only like him at a 2, but that's okay: it just means he or she wants to be friends. Max asks about Kristina and Adam's numbers, and they readily agree, smirking, that they're both at a 5. But then Adam goes off the reservation, adding that it wasn't always thus: when he met Kristina, he was at a 5 for her, while she was only at a 2, and as Kristina shoots eye-daggers at Adam, Max is gratified to hear that time and effort can convert a 2 into a 5. So: good meeting for Max; not so hot for Kristina thanks to Adam going so far off-message.

Love By The Numbers

Having apparently decided that this five-point love scale is the secret to unlocking the mysteries of love, Max plops down across from Dylan at lunch and asks her what her number is for him. She doesn't get it, so he duly explains, and says he's at a 5 for her. Patiently and gamely as befits someone attending the potpourri of freaks that is Snowflake Academy, Dylan puts her number at about a 2. Max says he can work with that, since it lines up with where his parents were, and he figures he has about a decade to ease her up from there; he then decides there's no point starting on changing her mind immediately and leaves, whereupon she calls after him that maybe she's actually at a "two and a half." Maybe if he avoids her for the rest of the school year she'll tick up a full point!

"Come Back, I Want To Tell You All About Lou Gehrig!!!"

The Scene: Joel takes Sydney and Victor for pizza, where Victor informs Joel that he'd like to look into playing basketball. Alarmed, Joel points out that this might conflict with Victor's participation on the baseball team.

The Symbol: The very game of basketball, which Joel has just -- to his horror -- witnessed his children playing with some other man.

The Meaning: Basketball = Sydney and Victor dad-cheating on Joel with Side Bitch.

Stumbling Upon Stumbling

Situation: Crosby returns early to pick up Zeek from his PT appointment, and the receptionist sends him back into the treatment room.

What makes it awkward? Crosby is proud to see Zeek killing it on the treadmill, until his therapist increases the incline and Crosby is stricken at the sight of Zeek tripping, forcing Crosby once again to confront the idea of Zeek's mortality (and, by extension, his own).

How is order restored? Crosby doesn't let on that he saw anything, and suggests that he and Zeek go out drinking instead -- which Zeek can't join him in doing, though he graciously agrees to go along and watch Crosby drink. Fun?

Julia vs. Joel

After Victor floats the idea of giving up baseball (Joel's sport) for basketball (SIDE BIIIIIIIIITCH!), Joel decides he has to say something, and stomps into Julia's office to have it out. He knows who Side Bitch is from when he and Julia dated before -- in fact, we learned from Adam earlier that Side Bitch was Julia's last trick before she started seeing Joel -- and is enraged that she's all inviting him to family events and introducing the kids to "whoever it is [she] feel[s] like sleeping with that week" without having discussed it with Joel first. Without getting as defensive about it as she could, Julia tries to explain that she didn't invite Side Bitch to anything, but as she tells the actual true story of him coming by Adam's with papers for her to sign and Adam insisting that he stay, it does sound kind of shady. But Joel seizes on the part where she says she had intended to talk to Joel before introducing Side Bitch to the kids, which leads him to the wounded question of whether that means Side Bitch is going to be in their children's lives. Julia, faltering, says she doesn't know...and then her assistant saves her by saying her next appointment's there, and Joel has to slink out, disappointed again.

Winner: Julia, but only in the sense that she's generally winning their divorce by having moved on to another dude.

Max x Mystery = Yikes

Like any good analytical thinker, Max is sifting through the advice he's been getting re: his "liking a girl" situation and discarding what he doesn't think is useful. While Adam and Kristina's five-point scale has taken him to a certain point, the truth is that, as he's already said, despite their claims, they are NOT experts in the field of love...so he's sought out some of those! He's gone to the library and checked out Double Your Dating: What Every Man Should Know About How To Be Successful With Women; The Mystery Method: How To Get Any Woman Into Bed With You; and The Game: Penetrating The Secret Society Of Pickup Artists, so unless Kristina and Adam figure out a way to deal with this, soon Dylan's going to be fending off Max's awkward negging and even more awkward peacocking, which in this case would probably mean him coming to school in a lady's sunhat with his lizard on his shoulder? After he's taken off with his books to start studying, Kristina gets even more anxious about the fall she's pretty sure Max is headed for if he continues pursuing this. Adam asks why Kristina's so sure Dylan's not going to be interested in Max That Way, and Kristina, her eyes watering, chokes, "Adam. Really?" She clearly doesn't want to SAY that their son's Asperger's is going to keep him from finding love in his life (hello, they know Hank?), but Adam gently reminds her that Snowflake Academy is full of weirdos, and that there's really no reason they shouldn't believe Dylan might decide Max is no more weird than any other bros who cross her path. THAT remains to be seen, but here's what we know for sure:

To Stick With The Travel Metaphor, It's Less "Baggage" Than "A Stowaway"?

Situation: Griffin has come back to Amber's after their succesful second date.

What makes it awkward? Though she'd initially decided not to say anything about her pregnancy when she thought she and Griffin might just be trying things out and having casual fun, now she can tell she likes him, so she's decided to take Drew's advice and tell Griffin about what she terms her "baggage."

How is order restored? Griffin is turned off the INSTANT Amber tells him, and even though things had clearly been headed in a sexy direction, suddenly he has a big day at work and really needs to get some sleep, so order is restored with the exit of Griffin from Amber's life, probably forever?

Poor Wittle Cwosby Has Such A Hawd Wife

Zeek decides to try to probe why Crosby's been in such a shitty mood lately. Maybe he shouldn't have waited until Crosby was wasted, though?

Amber brings Drew all the stuff she won't be able to enjoy for the rest of her pregnancy/ever again, including booze, her bong, weed, and condoms! Drew very patiently tells her that one setback with Griffin doesn't mean her life is over! She just did things out of order, but she didn't derail her whole life! Amber smiles through her tears! Drew is wise!

Jasmine comes to get Zeek and a totally shitfaced Crosby from the sports bar! Zeek apologizes for the state of Crosby, but Jasmine knows it's not his fault! She's worried about Crosby! So is Zeek!

Adam and Max have returned to Adam's original advice with regard to Dylan -- namely, cultivating common interests! They recap that the sketch Max fished out of the trash means they know Dylan likes art and animals! When Max notices Kristina lurking in the hallway, he calls her in to join the conversation, which shifts into listing Max's good qualities that might appeal to Dylan! As Kristina cites his talent for photography, sense of humour (?), and honesty, she convinces herself that Max might actually be lovable after all!

Julia comes out to meet Side Bitch for their date! She's all fancy, but he went grocery-shopping with plans to cook for her, since an earlier attempt to go to some French place was scuttled by a sighting of some judgy school moms she knows! Side Bitch is sorry for putting pressure on her to DTR: he's happy to continue at whatever pace makes her comfortable! And guess what? She's ready to go back and risk a judgy mom sighting! Side Bitch for the win!!!