As The Affair Progresses Sex-Wise, The Affair Makes Noah Its Most Unreliable Narrator

Author's Note: This post was written before I'd seen S01E04, in which dialogue confirms what some on the forums had asserted: that Noah uses his hand and not his wiener on Alison, so (a) his sexual self-assessment may not be as far off as I thought, and (b) they don't technically have "sexual congress." I sincerely regret my misapprehension, though to be fair to...myself, he does unbuckle his pants, and since it's not a hardcore pornography series, exactly what was going where wasn't entirely clear. I mean, obviously, since it wasn't clear to me at all. Okay, proceed.

After a couple of episode of foreplay, the third day we spend with Noah and Alison finally ends in their engaging in actual sexual congress -- an event just as indelible for Noah as the moment, earlier that day, when his father-in-law's fancypants literary agent tells him he wants to read the manuscript of his new novel, probably because both confirmed his own vision of himself as strong, virile, powerful, and potent. But if Noah's verbal description, to Detective Jeffries, of the sex lines up exactly with what we see play out on screen, then Noah should be prepared for the officer to call HIS WHOLE STORY to this point into question, because WHAT?!

I now wonder if series co-creators Sarah Treem and Hagai Levi made the decision that Noah should have already fathered four children just so that the viewer wouldn't come (heh) to this scene and suspect that maybe...like, he's a virgin? Because, okay, here's what happens. In Noah's telling of the day, Alison tracks him down at the library, where he leads her outside and tries to tell her nothing can happen between them because he loves his wife. Later, she takes him to the docks, gets upset about something he doesn't totally understand, and then attacks his face with her mouth again. Finally, he runs into her outside a town hall meeting he's just missed, and they go to the beach to speak privately. Once there, Noah tells Alison that despite all the business we've just seen, throughout the day, of him trying to be the good guy he clearly thinks he is, he can't stop thinking about her, including when he's fucking his wife. Alison says she can't stop thinking about him either. After some more banal back-and-forth, she suggests, "You could just fuck me and get it out of your system." "No," says Noah. "Just a thought," Alison breathes. They start making out, with him cutting it short again, and when she starts to go, he takes her hand and tells her, "You can't rush me."

And then...guys, Noah -- still sitting on some kind of log or something -- opens up his pants and sticks his dick in Alison.

"We do this at my speed, okay?" he tells her. "I don't want to sound like an asshole, but I want to be in charge, okay?"

And if "my speed" is "rull fast," that's just fine with Alison, who starts having an orgasm, like, immediately. If you neither sleep with women nor are one, let me just drop a little science on you: THAT IS NOT HOW SEX WORKS. (If you do sleep with women and are pretty sure that actually is how sex works, then stop reading this and go buy your wife a present, NOAH.)

Even if Alison's hyperorgasmic to a degree that would make her worthy of study on Masters Of Sex, from what we can see, Noah's basically just inserted his penis into her vagina and, like, not even moved it. And since this is Noah's version of the encounter, we can chalk this absolutely preposterous storytelling up to any number of motivations: standard male self-aggrandizement; a need to justify the affair by elevating their sexual connection to a mythic level; proof that Alison was so into him that she was super-primed for any part of his junk, even just the tip.

As I was watching, I didn't bother to let myself get that annoyed by Noah's rose-coloured remembrance of his own sexual prowess, thinking, "Alison's version is coming (hee hee) soon, and no doubt it'll totally puncture this bullshit." Yes, I even laugh at my own jokes when I make them to myself. So you can imagine my annoyance when Alison's version of the day ends with a bunch of talk about the fucking Montauk zoning board. In ALISON'S version, Noah doesn't even show up at the town hall meeting when it's over! Never mind coming when he merely puts two fingertips on her waist or whatever the hell: SHE DOES NOT SEE HIM THAT NIGHT AT ALL! I mean, in a way I'm glad that Noah's story about his otherworldly sex talents doesn't get corroborated by hers. But at the same time, his story of how sex works between them -- ON A MECHANICAL LEVEL -- is, so far, the one and only story of record. Never before, in all three episodes of this show, has a moment cried out (hee) more for the "she said" account to balance the narrative, and I feel I was left high and dry.

(Hee.)

In conclusion: we now know that Noah thinks he is awesome at sex, and that he is probably not that great. If that doesn't get addressed in future episodes, then I don't know why we had to watch him put his crank in an unprepared girl part and make its owner act like it just made her see God.