HEARTiest Happy Birthday Wishes To Zeek!

Sarah Fails Her 'Supergran' Audition

Apparently, Sarah has spent the entire past week standing in shocked silence at Amber's big news.

If There's One Thing Zeek's Good At, It's Adapting His Thinking In Light Of Unfortunate News

Who called the meeting? Dr. Gordon, Zeek's physician.

What's it about? After Zeek's unexplained collapse in Las Vegas, Dr. Gordon's run a bunch of tests, and he's going over the results with Zeek and Camille.

How'd it go? Bad. The family has known for a while that Zeek's heart is not doing super-great, and have been trying to address the issue with diet and exercise (though Camille sells Zeek out by saying his diet could be better). But Dr. Gordon says Zeek's diet could be perfect and it still wouldn't matter: Zeek has "significant mitral regurgitation" that will require surgery to correct. Zeek is not happy about this, but Dr. Gordon tries to impress upon him how serious this is, and how much worse the Las Vegas incident could have been: "We're just lucky -- lucky you weren't alone when it happened, and lucky it was a clean fall." If such a thing happens again when Zeek is, say, driving, or walking on hard concrete, he could die. But Zeek's so not trying to hear it -- he dismisses the notion of surgery completely, grumbling that the doctor just wants to buy a vacation house -- that even as they leave the hospital and Camille tries to get in the driver's seat, he flat-out refuses. So: your basic classic grandpa fear response. This will be a treat for literally everyone around him.

Crosby vs. Adam

Adam comes into the studio to find Crosby at the mixing board and inform him that even though it's 10:30 AM, he's fucking off for the day. Crosby, reasonably, assumes that he's leaving on school business and starts whining about it, but Adam is already at a 9 on the Adam Braverman High Dudgeon Scale and snaps that, ACTUALLY, he's on his way to their parents' house, at Camille's request, to impress upon Zeek the importance of his having surgery per Dr. Gordon's recommendation. Crosby gets just as mad because this is the first he's even heard about Zeek maybe needing surgery, and he bitches that Camille is always trying to keep this kind of shit from him because she still thinks of him as a baby. But he is NOT a baby, and he wants to come! Adam is instantly opposed to this idea on the grounds that Crosby is weak-minded (I'm paraphrasing, BARELY) and thus subject to manipulation by the masterful Zeek. But Crosby is so determined to make it off the kids' table when it comes to major issues and decisions in the family that he pledges to be quiet. Adam doesn't really have any good reasons why Crosby shouldn't go just to observe the conversation, and Crosby gets to take his first step on the path to Adamhood!

Winner: Crosby.

Kristina vs. Jim

So as you may recall, the reason the Chambers Academy had to be founded in the first place is that there are a lot of students in the Berkeley area whose special needs were not being properly served in the public school system, and one of these needs, for a certain kid named Edgar, is a school lunch free of gluten and casein, at his doctor's recommendation. This seems to be due to behavioural issues on Edgar's part, but we don't find that out for sure. ANYWAY, Kristina's tried to address this by emailing Jim, her food vendor, with this special request on Edgar's behalf, and this is Jim, basically:

Jim can't work with Kristina and her million special requests, and tells her so. Instead of trying to be a decent manager -- she can clearly tell she's not going to win this one -- Kristina decides to accuse Jim of not caring about kids. Sure enough, this fails to defuse the situation! Jim quits and stomps off, and Kristina apologizes to the special snowflakes who happened to be sitting there hearing this whole battle, joking, "He must eat too much gluten."

Winner: Jim, not just because that was a pretty weak slam from Kristina but also because he's the only one in the fight who showed up to work wearing appropriate clothing rather than his jammies, KRISTINA.

Brat, Worst

Situation: Joel and Julia have been summoned to Sydney's school by her teacher, Mrs. Reese, to talk about a bullying situation Sydney's been involved in.

What makes it awkward? Julia and Joel are CERTAIN that they're going to hear all about this mean girl who's been victimizing Sydney, but since you and I have seen TV before, we know better: of COURSE Mrs. Reese actually wants to tell them that Sydney is the bully. She's been attacking an "overweight" girl named Melody and telling all her friends not to talk to Melody either; Melody was so upset by this that her parents kept her home from school. Mrs. Reese leadingly asks whether there's something going on at home that she should know about that might be affecting Sydney, and while Joel seems eager to air all the family issues, Julia shuts that down with a quickness, and snaps at Joel outside that his breaking up their family broke her, which is why he can't come over and be nice and kiss her: "You destroyed us! All of us!" He's sorry, and she says she'll be fine, but that she's not sure the kids will be.

How is order restored? It isn't. Joel and Julia sit Sydney down to talk about how she's a monster, and Sydney denies everything and says she hates them. Good job, guys.

Now Don't Fuck It Up

Alert Type: Promotion Alert.

Issue: Kristina calls Adam in a panic, telling him that Jim quit, so she needs Adam to go to Whole Foods, get forty hot lunches for the kids, and bring them to the school.

Complicating Factors: Adam's on his way to his parents' house to have the big talk with Zeek about the surgery, so this is not a great time for Kristina to be terrible at the job she made up for herself.

Resolution: Crosby volunteers to take Serious Grownup Discussion duty, and swears he will DEFINITELY talk Zeek into having the operation and DEFINITELY NOT let Zeek derail his efforts with all his sneaky talk.

Spoiler: Crosby is not up to the task. Like, not even kind of.

Amber vs. Sarah

After discussing the matter with Hank (or rather, since it's Hank, "talking about it in front of Hank, who is no help and contributes nothing"), Sarah has come to the realization that Amber had hopes for how Sarah would react when she told Sarah her news, and that Sarah failed and ruined what could have been a lovely, special moment between them. So she comes over to Amber's, having had a chance to digest the news a little more, and opens a conversation about what Amber and Ryan have planned for the pregnancy. This is an obvious trap, and Amber, instantly stiffening, has to admit that she hasn't told Ryan anything yet. As gently as possible, Sarah says that this is going to be much harder for Amber if she tries to do it alone: "It's a weird thing where you are one person, and then suddenly, you're two people." The more Sarah peppers her with questions and barely concealed judgments, the more clear it becomes to Amber that Sarah doesn't think Amber should have the baby, and Sarah will only go so far as to admit that she doesn't think Amber should be doing it now, because Amber doesn't know how hard it is to be a single parent. "Okay," says Amber flatly. "Good to know."

Winner: Draw. Sad, sad draw.

What's On The Lunch Menu At Chambers Academy?

Since buying forty hot lunches at Whole Foods every day is not a long-term solution (you know this if you've ever bought ONE hot lunch at Whole Foods and regretted it instantly), Adam has come up with a solution: a new Culinary Arts elective! ADAM and THE KIDS are going to make lunch every day! "Don't you still have a job at The Luncheonette?" Crosby does not get the opportunity to ask. So what gets served?

Potatoes: Which Max carries very resentfully because "Culinary Arts" is not photography, the elective he wanted but that the school doesn't offer (WEIRDLY).

Gluten: Edgar's not supposed to eat it, but it might still sneak into one or another of the dishes because no one is sure what it is.

Fire: Which this little weirdo apparently likes a little TOO much.

Crappy Birthday, Zeek!

What's the occasion? Zeek is turning seventy-two, so the kids are throwing a family party at Adam and Kristina's.

What are the refreshments? Lots of lentils and tofu, and Julia made a gluten- and dairy-free fruit tart! Sounds...great.

Whose embarrassing public scene will everyone be talking about tomorrow? Adam finds out that when Crosby texted him "All good" after his sitdown with Zeek, it didn't, in fact, mean that Crosby had achieved the mission he was expressly sent to accomplish: instead, Zeek sold him a bunch of bullshit about how mitral regurgitation just means you pass out sometimes, and it's no big deal, unlike open-heart surgery, which could totally kill him. So then Adam has to take Zeek aside and hector him about the 95% success rate for his procedure. But Zeek says Dr. Gordon also told him that if anything goes wrong, Zeek may have a "diminished quality of life." Adam snaps that at least he'll have a life, and Zeek snips that it's not the kind of life he wants. Adam gets choked up and asks what Adam's supposed to do if Zeek dies, and Zeek ignores this show of emotion and tells him to scatter his ashes at some baseball park, knowing that Zeek went out "on [his] terms." And then in comes the crappy fruit tart! Y...ay!

Amber is crying on the front steps when Zeek comes out to see what's up! Seeing her sobbing, he thinks she's upset about his heart, but she blurts, "I'm pregnant"! She immediately asks if he's disappointed, and he says of course he isn't: "It's incredible. It's wonderful. It's the most beautiful thing in the world" to have a child: "It's magic!" And he's going to be a great-grandpa!

Amber and Zeek come back in just in time for fruit tart! Which is terrible! But then Jabbar reminds Crosby about the special birthday reggae track the little grandkids recorded for Zeek's birthday, and everyone jams out! Jabbar happily tells Zeek that Crosby promised when Zeek turns eighty, the kids will get to record with a full band! SOMETHING TO THINK ABOUT, ZEEK!

Later, Amber is at home when Sarah shows up and metas, "Seriously, it doesn't freak you out when people just show up on your doorstep?" Amber says it's late for another big discussion, but that's not why Sarah's there: she has a photo album full of pictures of tiny Amber! She reminisces about what Amber was like as a kid, and as Amber starts weeping, Sarah explains, "I realized I forgot to tell you about all the good stuff!" THERE'S YOUR KICK IN THE HEART FOR THE WEEK, EVERYONE! Amber admits that she's scared, and Sarah says she is too: "We're going to be okay!"

In the middle of the party mess no one tries to clean up, Kristina tells Adam that Edgar's mother called and told Kristina that whoever came up with the Culinary Arts elective -- which Edgar is taking -- is a genius! Edgar loves it! Not fighting this was the one right thing Kristina did this week, apparently!

When StopBullying.gov doesn't seem to offer any instant solutions for fixing her shitty kid, Julia calls Joel, and they agree that they don't know what to do! Then they both sit on the phone listening to each other's silence! TOUGH LUCK FOR YOU AGAIN, JULIA'S SIDE BITCH! Seriously, I hope we never learn his name.

And then Camille finds Zeek contemplating a piece of chocolate cake! He tells her he just found something out, but that it's a secret! "We don't keep secrets," says Camille firmly, so Zeek tells her Amber's pregnant! They're both excited but weirded out at the prospect of being great-grandparents! Camille takes Zeek's hand, and Zeek tells her, "I'm gonna have the surgery, Millie!" Good work, Amber's baby! You might as well plan to be a doctor because you're already saving lives!!!!!