Battle Of The Bottle Episodes

Which did it first?

Friends aired "The One Where No One's Ready" on (gulp) September 26, 1996. So even though the June 22, 2014 Penny Dreadful takes place, like, a century before that, it cannot win in this category.

Verdict: Friends.

Which situation has higher stakes?

Depends who you ask. Sure, nursing Vanessa through demonic possession might seem, to most of us, like an extremely serious matter: the monster she's channelling is dropping truth bombs on everyone, and that's when it's not using Vanessa's body to try to rip all her closest friends (or associates, at least) apart. But Ross has to get everyone dressed and out the door to attend a Museum fundraiser!!!

Verdict: Penny Dreadful.

Which show's characters find more entertaining ways to pass the time during their imprisonment?

This is another eye-of-the-beholder issue. It's more entertaining to me to watch Chandler and Joey's dumb fight over temporary possession Monica's chair-and-a-half escalate to the point where Chandler hides all Joey's underwear ("I'm not going commando in another man's fatigues!") and Joey is basically forced to retaliate by putting on Chandler's entire wardrobe. But breaking up a day of watching Vanessa with impromptu six-shooter training in Sir Malcolm's basement looks like it's a lot more fun for Ethan and Victor.

Verdict: Tie.

Which episode is more violent?

If the issue were just emotional violence, this would probably be a tie: in addition to Joey and Chandler's chair/clothes skirmish, there's Monica's self-evisceration over an ill-timed message on her answering machine (remember those?!) and, of course, Ross losing his temper and snapping at Rachel, who responds by putting on her sweats and getting ready to catch up on her correspondence, relenting in her punishment only when Ross agrees to drink a glass of fat. We've all been there.

Penny Dreadful has plenty of emotional violence too, but it's kind of hard to notice when there's Sempene bitch-slapping Vanessa's body to get the demon to quit attacking, the demon using Vanessa's body to bite a chunk out of a priest's face, Ethan pulling a gun on her...I could go on, but basically: everyone gets fucked up in this one.

Verdict: Penny Dreadful.

Which episode's cameo is a more pleasant surprise?

I remember that hearing Richard's voice coming out of Monica's answering machine (REMEMBER THOSE???!!!) was a treat because I liked them together so much and was legitimately sad when they broke up in the Season 2 finale, though of course I empathized with his position, and if Monica had known it was going to take a million more seasons and the hassle of a dumb pregnant teenager for her to have kids, maybe she wouldn't have been that concerned about it either. There was the hope that this meant Monica and Richard's story might not be over yet...and now we know it wasn't (sorry for the seventeen-year-old spoiler, everyone).

On the other side, there's Ethan behaving way out of character and having some serious Real Talk with Vanessa...or so it seems, until we realize it's just that he's possessed by the Devil. Cool effect, but he's no Richard. Maybe they should have gotten Tom Selleck to voice him!

Verdict: Friends.

Which episode is sexier?

While I'm sure Rachel's line "I'm going commando too" was jerkoff fodder for a whole generation of people who were into ladies, I have to give the edge to the episode in which we hear all about Victor's virginity (!), and in which a demon probes for details about who did what when Ethan and Dorian totally hooked up. (Even just TALK about it is hot enough to cancel out discussion of Sir Malcolm's less-than-gentlemanly interactions with women all over Africa.)

Verdict: Penny Dreadful.

Which episode ruins more garments?

"The One Where No One's Ready" shows the destruction of Phoebe's butter-yellow silk gown with flung hummus, and while whichever pair of Chandler's pants ends up closest to Joey's sweaty, naked balls probably isn't ruined -- they could be laundered, at least -- I'm pretty sure they're ruined for Chandler as soon as Joey starts doing lunges.

Since Vanessa's ordeal goes on for so long, it's hard to say how many of her nightgowns or petticoats is destroyed by her various effluvia and the blood of her victims. One assumes that, at a certain point, everyone just figured there was no point cleaning her up and let her stew in her own filth, right?

Verdict: Tie.

Winner

"The One Where No One's Ready" is the kind of half-hour of TV that a person can watch multiple times, and that I personally have probably watched at least fifty times and may watch fifty more times before I'm done. "Possession" may not be an episode I ever need to revisit, but it's a pretty effective use of the "bottle episode" conceit -- plus it gets a big boost for its reminder that Dorian and Ethan totally did it and when can we get back to THAT plot thread already, damn!

Verdict: Penny Dreadful.