Know When To Fold Them, And Put Them In A Drawer With A Potpourri Sachet

Project Runway All Stars breaks with Season 4 tradition this week in coming up with a challenge that's easy to summarize and actually makes sense, and if you've had a chance to let the shock dissipate, I can explain! The designers get two dice to roll -- one with a different fabric on each side, and the other with different events. Whatever comes up? That's the brief. (And apparently Alyssa will wear the winner's look at some future time when she's no longer pregnant, but little emphasis is placed on that part.) I love the simplicity...but I didn't love all the looks, which I have ordered from first to worst -- and which, by the way, will not line up with the judges' judgments, but we'll get into that too.

Calm down, I'm starting right now!

1. Michelle

Fabric: Lace.

Event: Gallery opening.

...And? Lace can be such a dorky fabric, but rather than try to find one that would have to carry the whole burden of making her look fresh, Michelle buys four that she freely admits are ugly and figures out a way to layer them to make them sophisticated. She gets dinged for giving the shape of her skirt more volume in the hip area, but you know who'd look good in it? Old No-Waist Ariano. (The colour would be tough for me, but I could just ask her to do it again in shades of blue, and I would.)

Judges' Ranking: Top looks.

2. Samantha

Fabric: Brocade.

Event: Awards ceremony.

...And? As her peplum top and matching cigarette-pants look walks the runway, Samantha says she can see Alyssa wearing it to the VMAs. And while the VMAs are the award show where pretty much anything goes, this is a day look as far as I'm concerned. It's a bit Garanimals for me -- I'd have liked to see the pants in a print that complemented the ones in the top, or maybe the top in one print and the pants in the other -- but I hated all the rest of this week's looks so much that it takes the runner-up spot, so...get ready for the Fugly Files, starting directly under this one.

Judges' Ranking: Safe.

3. Sonjia

Fabric: Brocade.

Event: Bachelorette party.

...And? The whole thing where Michelle and Fabio were talking behind Sonjia's back about whether her hot pink fabric was actually brocade or not was such a big deal in the previews for this episode that of COURSE it ended up amounting to nothing, as she shrugged it off and made a dress out of her gold fabric instead. And it's fine? Alyssa, Georgina, and Isaac seem to be to be lavishly overpraising it, which is why I was so relieved when guest judge Michael Bastian was like, guys, it's a Caesar's Palace cocktail waitress uniform. BECAUSE IT IS. I know you're supposed to get wild at a bachelorette party, but could a woman sit in that dress for her lap dance? That shit is SHORT.

Judges' Ranking: Winner.

4. Dmitry

Fabric: Velvet.

Event: Gallery opening.

...And? I get the idea of this jumpsuit -- and I understand that it's hard to make velvet fashion-forward -- but if he'd picked a colour other than black, maybe the top wouldn't look like a shiny trash bag.

Judges' Ranking: Safe.

5. Justin

Fabric: Silk.

Event: Gallery opening.

...And? The judges point out that he got what was probably the easiest combination, and all the Brocadians would probably agree that it's true -- which is why it's insane that he made something that's both boring and extremely unflattering. On a normal woman, it would probably be fine, but Michelle's right: it really makes his model look chubby.

Judges' Ranking: Bottom looks.

6. Gunnar

Fabric: Brocade.

Event: Masquerade ball.

...And? I'm kind of surprised this one was the loser of the week; it's not great, but it looks well made and interesting. But Alyssa mehs that she doesn't like a high-low hemline because she's short, and I guess she felt more strongly about that than she seemed when she was offering her critique.

Judges' Ranking: Out.

7. Jay

Fabric: Denim.

Event: Brunch.

...And? I guess this woven halter situation would be good for a girl with a tiny bust, but Helen is right: THIS IS A CLUB LOOK.

Judges' Ranking: Safe.

8. Helen

Fabric: Brocade.

Event: Awards ceremony.

...And? WHY DO THEY LIKE THIS?! Another sad red look for this poor model, except this one has both an exposed midriff and a giant slit for extra sluttiness? If this is Helen getting the hero edit, I don't like it.

Judges' Ranking: Top looks.

9. Fabio

Fabric: Denim.

Event: Masquerade ball.

...And? Bubble gum pink plus lavender gloves? This is not just basic, it's Barbie. Jesus, Fabio.

Judges' Ranking: Bottom looks.