Did Anyone Vet Nick Foley Before Allowing Him To Adopt Between Five And Six Orphans?

SIREN DOT GIF! The fifth episode of Rags To Riches follows the example of the fourth in that it shows the writers have remembered that all of its female characters are orphans -- or were, until very recently. Last time, it was Marva tearfully begging Nick not to send her away. This time, it's Patty's fantasy about having spotted her biological mother getting on a city bus. Except, Patty turns out to be right, and just like Nina (mentioned in this episode for the very first time since the pilot/movie), Patty will reunite with her. And even though Patty's mother Gloria is a barely functional basket case, whereas Nick can offer her a life of luxury with her four adoptive sisters, it's not that hard to see why Patty would try her luck with Gloria.

I am not a crackpot. I just think a social worker needs to make a surprise visit to the Foley manse and get a load of Nick's serious anger problem, which makes him totally unfit as a parent.

First, know that my sympathies in this episode were a real moving target. I haven't really had much use for Patty, a brat whose one and only character note is that she has a learning disability. And yet, when it becomes clear that her memories of her biological mother are sharper than anyone could have guessed and that the woman she's fixated on actually is her, even someone as hard-hearted as I would have to be a real churl not to be at least a little moved. But then we get to know a little more about Gloria, about whose anti-comedy comedy the best I can say is that she seems to be trying to have Tim and Eric's career fifty years early.

(Sidebar: I wonder how big an inspiration Gloria's terrible, corny act was for Brenda's in that cringeful "Stand (Up) And Deliver" episode of Beverly Hills, 90210; I feel like Brenda's coffee house performance space would have been called Café Avant-Garde if R2R hadn't already taken it.)

But then the show tries to turn me against Gloria with a scene in which Nick confronts her about Patty's having found her and wanting to see her, and Gloria trying to get out of it by explaining what their lives together were like, when Gloria tried to be a mother to Patty for two years until parenthood "interfered with [her] work" and Gloria "began resenting her." Nick:

Nick basically guilts Gloria into, first, just having a visit with Patty, and then before we know it Patty's moved into Gloria's chaotic studio apartment in a weekly-rate hotel and turned herself into Gloria's parent because Gloria is unfit. Gloria knew she was unfit: that's why she decided to place Patty for adoption! Nick knows she's unfit: he's been to her building and seen her act! I can't believe I'm sticking up for Patty, the second-worst of the Foley daughters, but someone should have known better than to let this new living arrangement happen, except that Patty's only parental options are a manic pixie dream broad and a rageaholic. Gloria's bad. But Nick is worse.

Nick spends the better part of most episodes screaming -- generally at his children, but not exclusively; we've also seen him scream at his own business rivals, at Marva's business rivals, at fellow parents. Literally the first thing we see him doing in this episode is scream at those of his children who are present about the one who isn't there.

Nick goes on to scream at strangers who are annoyed that he's been monopolizing a phone booth, as well as whomever he's talking to on the phone. He screams at Rose when he thinks she's going to rat him out to Patty about his meeting with Gloria.

And when things implode between Patty and Gloria and Patty decides she doesn't want anything to do with her, Nick understands that Gloria's awful cookies are a peace offering, and forces Patty against her will to say goodbye before Gloria takes off for her road gigs. And this actually looks like abuse, as he yanks her out of the car, bellowing at her and giving chase when she tries to run away from him...

..and then drags her into the bus station, where he proceeds to scream at both Patty AND Gloria.

(This scene doesn't play out at Benny Hill speed in the actual episode -- that's just so the page doesn't take seven hours to load.)

In this episode especially, where we're supposed to be siding with generous Nick over irresponsible, un-maternal Gloria, it's hard to buy Nick as the parent any troubled kid would choose. Unlike Gloria, he didn't accidentally become a parent because there was no other practical option for him to deal with his unplanned late-1940s pregnancy: as the opening credits now remind us with each episode, the whole adoption scheme was cooked up to make Nick look good for a business deal. And I guess we're supposed to think that the girls won him over despite himself, which would be easier to do if he wasn't constantly Alec Baldwinning them right to their faces. I thought the "Riches" part of the title indicated that something about the show is supposed to be aspirational, which is why Nick's increasingly tyrannical behaviour gives the show such a grim tone. If I were Clapper, I wouldn't wait another day to call in an anonymous tip to Child Protective Services. I am not a crackpot.